Wow. This sounds like an example of such prolonged, destructive teenage malice that the adults who had to deal with it can't really be expected to forgive, much less forget. In addition to the lying, stealing, and booby-traps meant to injure her infant half-sibling, the letter-writer threatened--and apparently was perfectly willing--to fabricate life- and reputation-destroying criminal charges against her father, with all that would have meant for him and his new family. All that could easily have scared me, as a father trying to do the right thing but also responsible for a new family's well-being, into never, ever risking letting such an angry, toxic person re-enter my life. (And her stepmother is even less likely to want to give the letter-writer another crack at harming her family.) It's great that she grew up at last and became a human being, but I hope she'll have the grace to accept that some things just can't be made up to the people you've done them to. Better to just move on and use what she's learned to be a better person. A few years down the road, her father may see that she really has changed, and be more willing to accept her attempts to reconnect. But it has to be on his schedule (and, probably, his wife's), not the letter-writer's. Good luck...

I agree I wouldn't jump on the band wagon to get this person back into my life without some proof she is a better person. She mentions the fact it started at 14, but doesn't say how many years since she and her Dad talked. He is still trying to raise another child and has the safety of that one to worry about.

He's her dad, not her best friend from high school (though this could easily be a guy, not a girl). There's no indication he did ANYTHING to try and get her into counseling despite the fact that she was obviously troubled. And why did her "certifiably nutty" mother have custody instead of her supposedly sane father? I'm not a parent, but I don't think I would have written my kid off so easily (simply based on the fact that my parents would have moved heaven and earth to make sure I was ok). He doesn't want to get "hurt" again? Oh wah. Please. Cry me a frickin' river. Being a parent is painful - I do know that much. It comes part and parcel with the joys of the job. Unless the LW has a criminal record, history of drug abuse, or has been violent as an adult, this guy has no excuse to decline contact except that he's a jerk. I suspect she was an angry, horrible teen because her mother was mentally ill and her father had basically ditched her to start over with a new wife. The fact that he let it escalate to the point that it reached and that he simply walked away with no further contact from A CHILD who is at the most difficult in their life indicates that this guy was pretty much a crap dad.

I think you have a point in that perhaps the father should have done more to get the LW professional help. But where is the evidence that he ditched her before she began threatening him criminal accusations? Based on what the LW said, she was often at his home (long enough to steal, set up "booby-traps" and abuse her step-mother). The LW also said that he repeatedly tried to contact her by phone, but she refused to cooperate (and, by 13 years of age, her opinion would have mattered to the family court judge).

There is plenty of blame to go around in this situation. The fact that the father could have done more, doesn't mean that the LW had a right to abuse him and then expect instantaneous trust. When I went through my teenage years, my parents loved me and were there for me, even when I was weepy and unbearable, but they definitely expected me to own up to my bad acts and seek apologies when I did something wrong. Being a parent IS painful, but it doesn't mean that you don't get to be human and expect your children to treat you with basic human respect.

You made a good point, that I missed, about the dad's possible role in letting things get so awful, and/or in letting the LW stay with her nutso mom while he started over with a new family. But combine the LW's "booby traps" aimed at the baby and stepmother, with her threat to report the dad as a stalker if he continued to attempt contact, and I still can't really blame the dad for not wanting to resume contact later on. The LW does acknowledge the father (and his wife) had tried really hard to deal with her and to help her as a teenager, stopping only when she threatened to destroy their lives with fabricated criminal charges if they kept trying to contact her (though now I wonder how much of her behavior was egged on by her mom, the dad's ex-wife?).

All that's really hard to come back from; and now that the LW is 27, not 17, and no longer her father's dependent (legally or practically), I still wouldn't condemn the dad for wanting to leave things be. But I do agree he'd be a better person if he made the attempt.

JRZWrld:

He doesn't want to get "hurt" again? Oh wah. Please. Cry me a frickin' river. Being a parent is painful - I do know that much. It comes part and parcel with the joys of the job. Unless the LW has a criminal record, history of drug abuse, or has been violent as an adult, this guy has no excuse to decline contact except that he's a jerk.

Guess what: he's an adult. She's an adult. Adults get to decide who they want to associate with.

This girl was born about 1982, and although we don't have the date of the divorce, I would assume no later than the early 90's. Unless there were some extremely strong factor in the father's favor, he would not have been awarded custody. What exactly does the LW mean by the comment that her mother is "certifiable?" Is that a general consensus, or has she been admitted? Personally I think my brother's ex-wife is nuts, and she certainly displayed it during the court phases, but the court still awarded her custody.

It is impossible to force someone to participate in counseling. So as for the suggestions that Dad should have arranged for counseling, (and it mostly likely would have needed to be court ordered and I doubt ma would have made the arrangements), bah. How's it go---you can lead a horse to water but you can not make it drink.

I can't see any other option for this LW expect to write a letter to her father and her stepmother apologing for her behavior, accepting that she did make her bed, and asking permission to write him/them about her life. Then write him every two-three weeks and let him learn that she has changed and matured. (The letters can be about her life today, memories of him as her father, and her feelings at the time, whether those feeling were justified, they were hers and exploring them in letter to him may let him see that she has changed. Also, while she can delete anything that she is unable to share with him, by writing it down and exploring it on her own, she may find new insights.)

To the LW, good luck and best wishes in your new life, as a wife/life partner and as an adult who recognizes that she made some errors.

A lot of people are mentioning the fact that the LW's father should have taken more responsibility for taking her into counseling. I'm 28, and I know that had my parents divorced when I was that young, despite the fact that my mom is nutty, I would have been put into her care because she is my mother, and mothers were assumed to be the biologically correct parent to have to take care of kids. Does everyone forget that parental roles have evolved quite a bit in 13 years?

I highly doubt that a father could have put a daughter into therapy or counseling without the support of his ex-wife who had majority of the custody of the girl. I highly doubt my dad could have put me in therapy...and he is still married to my mom. I think everyone's being pretty damn hard on him. I think he tried his best, and the people who are saying he was a bad father are probably in the group of people who constantly pass judement on parents and parents-to-be. As a parent-to-be, I'm tired of their constant BS and criticism of how I - and other parents - should be acting. If I want to eat a cookie, it's not going to kill my baby...but the stress caused by people harping on me not to eat that cookie might.

As for the LW, I can imagine myself in her situation. Like her, I was a miserable b**** when I was that age, and I can only imagine how I would have been if one of my parents had gotten divorced and remarried. Also remember that it took her 13 years to try to make amends - time that just made the wounds in her father and stepmother probably fester until they're probably incapable of a band-aid. I think Prudie's advice is right on. It might take another 13 years for her to get them to accept her apology, but if she's as good of a person as she seems to be now, it's an effort she probably wants to make.

The issue of whether her dad tried to put her in counseling is less relevant now. The more relevant issue is whether she's gone to counseling to deal with what happened then. If she hasn't, she needs to, and to let her dad know as part of the letter that she's going to counseling. If she has, she needs to let him know that as well.

I hope kid has had a chance to go to therapy; if not, then I hope he/she will as an adult. Divorce happens, but when a parent moves on quickly, has another family quickly, where does that leave the 'old' kids? I see this happen all the time, and wouldn't you as a parent click to the fact that your kids are pissed off at being replaced by a newer version and put out to pasture with the 'bad' parent that obviously doesn't meet their needs (for whatever reason: via the courts, relocation, or lack of interest on the parent moving on). Dad is an adult and should have a clue. Child has grown up and wants to reconnect. Maybe child is a better person.

For all we know the father could have tried to get her into counseling. She said he and his wife tried everything until the point where she threatened to press CRIMINAL CHARGES on him. If she hadn't mentioned that detail I might also assume he just gave up on her, but he didn't!!!! Plus, we don't know for how long this situation was going on. This shit could have been going on until she was a legal adult, for all we know. And let's be clear, 14 is NOT a child. She was old enough to know better. And why has it taken her 13 years to try to make amends? And what really made her see the wrong of her ways, just because she’s getting married?

There's something very wrong with the LW. The length of evil things she was capable of doing at 14 for me is waaaaay more than just a teenage "acting out". And she did it to people who were actually NICE to her. She seemed like a sociopathic bitch (could be the wrong term, not that I'm a psychologist or anything). I don't care how much the crazy mom washed her brain, or how much she hated the divorce, that was no excuse to justify what she did.

I may be projecting, but I'm very suspicious of people that change so drastically in life. Maybe the LW is bipolar or something, but I just can't understand how someone would act the way she did and then realize it was all wrong, like she didn’t know before? Will she be prone to other "crazy" outbursts in the future? One would have to wonder. If I were the LW's dad I'd be very careful in resuming a relationship with psycho bitch, even if she were my daughter.

JRZWrld:

There's no indication he did ANYTHING to try and get her into counseling despite the fact that she was obviously troubled.

First of all- there are a lot of people who do not believe in 'counseling' in solving life's problems. Secondly- what makes you think the daughter would have agreed to go to a counseling session if she was caling the cops on her father?

JRZWrld:

Unless the LW has a criminal record, history of drug abuse, or has been violent as an adult, this guy has no excuse to decline contact except that he's a jerk. ....

It would not surprise me the least bit that the LW would have a criminal record anda history of drug use. She fits the profile to a T.

ChocButterfly:

For all we know the father could have tried to get her into counseling. She said he and his wife tried everything until the point where she threatened to press CRIMINAL CHARGES on him. If she hadn't mentioned that detail I might also assume he just gave up on her, but he didn't!!!! Plus, we don't know for how long this situation was going on. This shit could have been going on until she was a legal adult, for all we know. And let's be clear, 14 is NOT a child. She was old enough to know better. And why has it taken her 13 years to try to make amends? And what really made her see the wrong of her ways, just because she’s getting married?

There's something very wrong with the LW. The length of evil things she was capable of doing at 14 for me is waaaaay more than just a teenage "acting out". And she did it to people who were actually NICE to her. She seemed like a sociopathic bitch (could be the wrong term, not that I'm a psychologist or anything). I don't care how much the crazy mom washed her brain, or how much she hated the divorce, that was no excuse to justify what she did.

Have you spent much time with children? They are savage, brutal, and capable ot intolerable cruelty - because they are essentially selfish and don't really understand the consequences of their actions. This is what makes teenagers especially dangerous - they have the imaginations and strengths (and, often, appetites) of adults, but have not yet transitioned completely out of the cruelty and silliness of childhood.

A young teenager who is suffering, who feels abandoned and abused, who is frightened, and who has no one to rely on will naturally lash out in a myriad of unpleasant and unhealthy ways. That's why they are still considered children and are not adults. And it's also why they need to be protected from physical and mental damage - for the sake of themselves and those around them.

I had a friend confess to me once that she felt deep shame about the terrible way she acted when she was in middle school - the other girls she bullied etc. It is normal to realize, later in life, that we were often cruel and wrong as children/teens. It's the right thing to take that shame and offer up a real apology - stating that we were wrong, were mistaken, and were fools.

If people truely didn't change when they moved from childhood to adulthood, we wouldn't need to differentiate the two.

QuietGirl:

This girl was born about 1982, and although we don't have the date of the divorce, I would assume no later than the early 90's. Unless there were some extremely strong factor in the father's favor, he would not have been awarded custody.

This is so way off base I don't even know where to begin. If a 14-year old wants to live with their father and the father is in agreement there is no court in the land that will prevent it.

Exactly. I was handling divorces then, and it was quite a bit more fair than those anecdotal horror stories.

What I know as a parent is that you owe your children unconditional love. Dad did not have to have her live in his house to show his love, but needed to do something to address the issues, wether he felt like further fighting with crazy mom and hostile daughter or not. And being petulant to her overetures now is quite childish on his part.