My wife is very ticklish, much like the LW. I am not. When we first started dating, I would tickle torture her fairly frequently (not daily, but probably weekly). It just didn't make sense to me that she wasn't having fun. I probably did this for two or three years before she finally got through to me (I think that she may have kicked or punched me a few times, as other commenters here have recommended). I don't know what exactly led to me finally "getting it", but I did eventually stop doing it intentionally (she's so ticklish that I still occasionally tickle her by accident). My point, I guess, is that for someone who's not ticklish, this can be a difficult thing to understand. However, just because the guy hasn't gotten it yet, doesn't mean that he will never get it. Dumping him is an immediate fix, but it sounds like the LW otherwise likes him quite a bit. Prudie (and many other commenters) assumes that the guy is an irredeemable asshole, but (at least given my own experience) I would say that's not something you can decide just based on the tickling issue alone. The LW needs to decide if she can put up with this or not, and perhaps try slapping him or something similar when he tickles her. If that still doesn't get his attention, then he's probably not going to change, but I think it might. For whatever reason, just talking about the situation doesn't always get through to us non-ticklish folks. Sometimes it takes a little more reinforcement.

He HOLDS HER DOWN so he can tickle her. She tells him explicitly that it makes her feel vulnerable and not in control of her body, and HE HOLDS HER DOWN so that he can do it anyway. He doesn't have to "understand," he just has to stop HOLDING HER DOWN so he can do something to her that she has told him she HATES.

He's an a$$hole.

port1080, did you pin your wife down on a daily basis? If she had told you it hurts her and makes her panic would you have continued to do it? Did you try to convince her that it was her problem?

The LW isn't talking about a playful little tickle here or there. And if it requires slapping someone or some other physically hurtful action like you suggest to get the point across, that's not playful either.

I don't get this need to "understand" or relate. If she tells him that she doesn't like it, that should be enough. I don't "understand" my guy's need to sit a dank, smelly bar once a week and drink cheap beer, but he says it's important to him and since I understand words, I take that to mean that it's important to him.

Much like the LW, tickling P**s me off. This was a point of contention between me and every guy I dated in High School - grrrr! lol I remember a psychologist coming to my school once and giving everyone a lecture about how "tickling is an abuse". I guess I wasn't the only girl bothered by it.

"holding her down" can mean a lot of things - are we talking violent, throw her to the ground holding her down, or (more likely) cuddling, he rolls over and straddles her and tickles her? That second one sounds bad, but consider that he probably also often rolls over, straddles her, and kisses her (also "holding her down"). At a visceral level, if you can't comprehend that she really hates being tickled, those to things feel exactly the same (if you're the tickler). It doesn't feel like you're hurting her. I doubt this guy would ever hold her down and slap her, or do anything else to hurt her other than tickle her (I know I never would have done anything like that, anyway). Simply being told that the tickling is undesirable doesn't always come through, particularly if you've been tickled yourself and don't find i to be a big deal. Now, yeah, it's possible that this guy is simply an asshole, but I just don't feel like the LW gives enough information to judge one way or another. My wife could have written a very similar letter about me seven years ago, and Prudie would have told her to dump my ass. We've been happily married for going on four years now, and the tickling thing hasn't been an issue for a very long time. It just seems hasty to me to tell the LW to end the relationship based purely on that letter, without any other context.

"and when I react he gets on top of me and pins me down so that I can't defend myself."

It doesn't get much plainer than that.

And when he is straddling her, kissing her, is she pushing against him and begging him to stop? If so, that is one seriously messed up dude. If not, it isn't the same situation at all unless you complete dehumanize the person on the bottom - ie, her response doesn't change the situation a bit.

As a guy, I'm going to assume that you've never been held down against your will. It is awful. There is nothing like laying there and knowing you have no control over your own body, that you are dependent upon this other person's decency and the simple fact that they are restraining you means that they obviously lack that trait. You try more and more frantically to get away and he just effortlessly blocks you. Nothing too awful even has to happen for that feeling of powerlessness to eat into your soul.

After the ex and his holding me down against my will, for a while I couldn't even have sex while I was on the bottom because I'd freak out. So I'm really glad your wife decided it was all ok and you moved on to a happy marriage. But from somebody who's been on the other side of that equation - you abused her and that really isn't ok.

"He adds that I need to learn to master my mind, and once I "convince" myself that I am not ticklish, then I won't panic when he tickles me. What should I say to him that gets my point across?"

As if the blatant disrespect of her repeated assertions that she does not want to be tickled weren't enough, I think this last bit is the reddest of flags. The guy sounds like he refuses to take responsibility for his actions (i.e. makes her feel crazy for reacting the way she does simply so he can continue justifying the tickle torture). He also comes off as a huge hypocrite: shouldn't he be "mastering" his mind enough to grasp the concept of respect? Some people on here are implying that he just needs some more nudging from her in order to stop. What the heck!? She's explicitly asked him to stop and enumerated the (utterly legitimate) reasons WHY. This should be more than enough. I don't think breaking up with him is an overreaction AT ALL. It's not the tickling per se, it's his disregard for her feelings, physical comfort (and how can she honestly kick or slap him if she's pinned down - not that it should even have to come to that), and her MIND, which he thinks she hasn't mastered. Sounds like CLASSIC abuse. It's not that he isn't "getting it" how much the tickling bothers her, it's that he doesn't "get it" that she's a human being with thoughts and preferences that won't always line up with his own. He can think what he wants about tickling and still leave her the eff alone. What a jerk. RUN.

Women are never going to be treated as equals by men until they start taking responsibility for their own lives. If something bothers them that much they should just fucking leave. Saying she's vulnerable or lacks self-esteem doesn't cut it.  If  I treat her as an equal, then i have to assume it isn't tantamount to rape for this woman, otherwise she wouldn't tolerate it.

And when he is straddling her, kissing her, is she pushing against him and begging him to stop?

That's my point - the person being tickled usually isn't doing that, because they're so busy laughing and engaging in involuntary bodily reactions. It is similar to sex in some ways, except the involuntary reactions aren't pleasure, they're pain. To the person doing the tickling, though, it often seems very similar. Anyway, I'd really like to know how long they've been together. If we're talking two or three years, and he's been doing this daily, that's bad, I'll agree it's abuse, and he's unlikely to change. If we're talking two or three months, then it may simply not have gotten through yet that she really is serious that she doesn't like this. I will say that the "daily" part is a bit bothersome. If it truly is daily, that's pretty odd. If it's hyperbole, and we're actually talking about "once or twice a week, but it annoys me so much it feels like every day", then that's more forgivable, particularly if they haven't been together all that long.

Ehh you get into a gray area there Tarq. Yes, women should leave abusive relationships. Yes, we shouldn't make excuses for her when she doesn't (although we should encourage her to leave ASAP). But at the same time, that doesn't mean that abuse gets forgiven because she doesn't.

Its more of a case of both people being wrong than the wrongs canceling each other out.

Port - you say yourself that you knew she didn't like it, it just didn't 'register' with you. You mention her possibly even punching you. That is a pretty damn strong response So which is it, she giggled and that was all you ever saw or you were an ass that ignored her response?

"He adds that I need to learn to master my mind, and once I "convince" myself that I am not ticklish, then I won't panic when he tickles me. What should I say to him that gets my point across?"

As if the blatant disrespect of her repeated assertions that she does not want to be tickled weren't enough, I think this last bit is the reddest of flags. The guy sounds like he refuses to take responsibility for his actions (i.e. makes her feel crazy for reacting the way she does simply so he can continue justifying the tickle torture).

Again, there's the question of context. Did he out of the blue say that, or did she say something like, "I wish I wasn't so ticklish", and that was his response? If the first, then it's weird and controlling. If the second, it's fairly innocent, because he's probably just relaying how he himself stopped being ticklish. I had a similar experience - I certainly feel sensation when someone tickles me, and it used to bother me, but at some point in my life I was able to stop myself from having that reaction. I'm not saying that he should be tickling her, or that she can change, or any of that. I'm just saying that there seems to be a very big divide between people who are ticklish and those that aren't. If you're not ticklish (or if you were, but got over it), it's difficult to understand the other side (and vice-versa, apparently).

When I was growing up, I had a brother like you. One day in trying to get him to stop I accidentally kneed him where it counts. He thought that was an overreaction, but I considered it a revelation and told him next time I'd do it on purpose.

And I did.

"I doubt this guy would ever hold her down and slap her, or do anything else to hurt her other than tickle her (I know I never would have done anything like that, anyway)."

Oh really? Ever? Sure of that, are you? He may not have gotten there yet, but given that the abuse is daily, he blames her for not enjoying it, and cares not one whit for her feelings about it I wouldn't be at all surprised to find exactly that at some point. Check back in a year... hopefully she won't give him that chance.