Basically, I think Prudie misread the message and misanswered the question.

The issue here is that most people are very short-sighted and have a hard time understanding that what they enjoy, which is what they think other people would enjoy, is not actually enjoyed by everyone. Thus, this guy, who probably enjoys laughing and physical contact of a playful nature, is having a hard time seeing past his own mirrored glasses. He is not successfully seeing his girlfriend and her needs/wants/desires despite her communication of them. He does need a moment of clarity and a chance to mature and see her better. He will probably still find this whole situation counter-intuitive. He may continue to tend to think that she will enjoy tickling. He will need to be mindful to remember that she doesn't. However, this can take a little time and a little doing, to bring him to this understanding. Simply deciding he is a sadist doesn't really help anyone.

He's a grown man who can't understand, or pretends not to understand, repeated iterations of "no." The tickling sucks for the LW, but is essentially secondary.

Abusive & controlling, maybe

Disrespectful, yes

Out of line, yes

Asshole, yes

Nah, dude,this is basic behavior that you learn in kindergarten and have drilled into your head throughout your school years and even into your professional careers. If someone asks you not to touch them in a certain way, you listen to them. She tells him she wants something (ie, him to stop tickling her) and he tells her that no that's not what she wants. That's pretty messed up. And this isn't a one-time thing - it's ONGOING DAILY. They've had this discussion multiple times.

How many other activities or interactions that he enjoys and she doesn't will result in him saying "Well, you smiled during it, so you must have been having a good time."? (OMG - anal sex??? Hope she hasn't gone down that road with him.)

JRZWrld:

Nah, dude,this is basic behavior that you learn in kindergarten and have drilled into your head throughout your school years and even into your professional careers. If someone asks you not to touch them in a certain way, you listen to them. She tells him she wants something (ie, him to stop tickling her) and he tells her that no that's not what she wants. That's pretty messed up.

Well put. In fact, 'messed up' was exactly the phrase that came into my head as I read the letter.

In fact, she's gone so far as to explain to him that it makes her feel vulnerable and out of control of her body. Explicit much? She understands exactly what is terrifying about it and has explained it to him in plain English. In return he plays mind-games with her about how this is an excercise in curing her pathology. This guy is sick. God knows in what other areas of their lives he plays these passive-aggressive head games. She's just lucky he showed his hand before they'd gotten legally entangled.

My husband does similar things to me. It's been 10 years, and I've run the gamut on telling him multiple times calmly and firmly that I hate when he touches me certain ways, I find it disrespectful, and to never do it again. I've told him that his tickling, wrestling, holding me down, etc makes me hate his touch period. I've told him in anger, thinking maybe he needed some major show of emotions to get the message. Nothing has worked. So now I just keep myself from situations where he might want to touch me in ways I hate. For example, I no longer cuddle with him ever because inevitably he will tickle, wrestle, whatever with me. It's not about giving him time to grow up; it's about simple respect for another person's wishes. The LW is only dating this guy; this is her chance to get out of it before she has to live with being tickled daily for the rest of her life. If she continues with this guy, that's what she should expect. Either learn to live with it or get out. It's damaging to the relationship. Trust me; I know.

I thought Prudie's advice was right on. The guy isn't a project, they're not married, she's not required to stage an intervention, here. She's asked him in plain English, several times, quite articulately, sounds like. Enough already- just break up. Plenty of fish in the sea.

This fellow pins her down and assaults her when she has told him "no"?

Hell, I'd have him arrested.

alldenwall:

I thought Prudie's advice was right on. The guy isn't a project, they're not married, she's not required to stage an intervention, here. She's asked him in plain English, several times, quite articulately, sounds like. Enough already- just break up. Plenty of fish in the sea.

Exactly...Now I totally understand the desire to annoy someone familiar. Kids do it to their parents, siblings do it to each other, couples do it later on. But this woman told the guy how she feels in very strong, explicit language; yet rather than be embarrassed and apologetic, this caring, wonderful jackass continues. Dump his ass!

JRZ - how odd, anal sex was what popped to my mind when reading the OP as well. So let's take a guy who enjoys something up his butt so much that he thinks its ok to hold her down, as she tells him to stop, and shove something up her butt. Ummm.... hello??

Physically forcing anything on anybody, as they are telling you to stop, is wrong. Period. No excuses for anybody.

BenK, sorry, but your post sounds like a bunch of psycho-babble. If the LW has asked the boyfriend DAILY not to tickle because it's essentially hurting her and he's PINNING HER DOWN and still doing it, then it's not a case of him being naive as you seem to want to paint him. It's abuse, pure and simple. If he was pinning her down and inflicting another form of abuse would you still say he just needs a little time and understanding?

I'm kinda glad I'm not the only one who thought of that right off the bat:-)

I agree with squeakycat. My ex-husband didn't tickle me - I'm not particularly ticklish. But he was one of those people who basically thought making you angry and annoyed was fun, and the more you told him to stop something, the more he did it. I also adopted the only tactic that worked, which was disengagement and avoidance of physical situations where these things happened. Result: eventually, no intimacy at all. Divorce. This is the future facing the letter writer. Her boyfriend does not respect her wishes and forces is will on her. Just the fact of holding her down against her will, even without the tickling, should be enough for her to realize she has to get away from this man.

BenK:

Simply deciding he is a sadist doesn't really help anyone.

If it causes the LW to break up with the person who torments her on a daily basis - I'd say it helps her. Quite a bit.

Where is the acceptable line here? People enjoy all things that others may not. Just because they do - they don't get a pass inflicting what they like on others - just because they don't understand how someone else couldn't wouldn't.

Kick him in the balls and tell him he must like it since he's moaning and people moan during sex.