One spouse might snore too loudly or move around too much making it harder for the other to sleep. One might like to read in bed but the other wants to sleep with the light off. One might be a very light sleeper who wakes up that the slightest sound or movement. It could be that one simply wants to be able to spread out and roll around in their own bed without restriction.

There are very practical reasons to keep separate beds or bedrooms, that have nothing to do with lack of intimacy or, as Prudie contends, immaturity.

I agree. After several nights of not good sleep (for both of us), I will go downstairs and we will both have a good nights sleep. It doesn't happen that often, but is well worth it. And is has nothing to do with our intimacy. We just need a good nights sleep already!!

Agreed. My high school friend's parents have been sleeping in separate bedrooms since my friend can remember. Her parents now have been happily married for 25 years. And once I marry, I too will look into an arrangement for two separate master sleeping quarters.

I know people who sleep in separate bedrooms, and enjoy it very much. One has restless leg syndrome and his wife is a light sleeper.

Separate lives are a bigger concern than separate bedrooms

You are making a general statement about a specific situation. Yes, absolutely there are good reasons for people to sleep apart. You'll note though that the LW gave the reason his soon to be wife wanted to sleep apart and it wasn't any of the ones you mentioned.

Instead it was 'I'm tired of being crowded and I need my own space'. I think what Prudie picked up on, and I very much agree with, is that this woman may need more space than just a bedroom can provide. It sounds like she needs to get out on her own and flex her wings a bit. If she doesn't get that need fulfilled before marriage, it is going to make the marriage itself challenging and less likely to last. It doesn't make her a bad person, just still a bit immature for the commitment of marriage. Sure they could struggle through and maybe make it but why not just be honest with yourself and your partner and make this a priority for a year or two?

SusanM

very well put

You're right.  She was being crowded and needs her own space.  What's wrong with that?  Now that she's out of her parents' house why shouldn't she get to experience some space for a change, instead of being thrown in the same crowded situation.  We're simply talking about physical space here.  We don't need to extrapolate that into some psychological or emotional issue.

I know a couple who tried for several years to sleep in the same bed, to conform to the prevailing notion of intimacy.  They finally gave that up, and couldn't be happier since.  Sleepless nights due to your partner's snoring or crowding the bed, bodily noises, etc. can be a real intimacy killer for some people.

Nothing is wrong with that, I specifically said she should get her space.

Whats wrong with somebody taking a little time and space for themselves? You don't want to extrapolate into psychological issues but how many healthy long term relationships do you know have the people going from basically childhood to marriage without any step in between?

Well, you can't really that kind of prediction about marriage.  I know happily married people who were high school sweethearts.  I know people who had plenty of "experience" before marriage, who have been divorced several times.  Experience does not necessarily give people insight.  It's just as likely they learn the wrong lessons from it.

So you recommend everybody just stay dumb because they might possibly learn something you think they shouldn't? Wow.

Experience gives everybody insight if they are wise enough to look for it.

And lack of "experience" is not necessarily a negative if people are wise enough to know what they want.

It shouldn't be a big deal if people agree that seperate bedrooms will work for them. Unfortunately in this thread there is an implication that the problem is with the LW who wants to share a bedroom with his fiancee. There's also nothing wrong with that. There is a problem with the fiancee making this decision based on emotionally reactionary reasons. It does sound like Prudie has it right. The girl needs to spend some time living away from here family in the real world and experiencing independence before the two of them move in together. She may still want a seperate bedroom after that time, but at least she'll know the difference and not be reacting to her family's disfunctional living situation, but instead from a (hopefully) more balanced place.

How does somebody know what they want if they don't know what their options are? How does somebody know what they want if they've never explored those options?

They don't KNOW anything at that point. They are simply taking the path of least resistance.

incog-nito:

You're right. She was being crowded and needs her own space. What's wrong with that? Now that she's out of her parents' house why shouldn't she get to experience some space for a change, instead of being thrown in the same crowded situation. We're simply talking about physical space here. We don't need to extrapolate that into some psychological or emotional issue.

I know a couple who tried for several years to sleep in the same bed, to conform to the prevailing notion of intimacy. They finally gave that up, and couldn't be happier since. Sleepless nights due to your partner's snoring or crowding the bed, bodily noises, etc. can be a real intimacy killer for some people.

For one, she would not be moving into "the same crowded situation"--she would be moving into an entirely new situation. The couple you know actually based their mutual decision on several years of sleeping in the same bed, not "my family annoys me, therefore I don't want to share a room with my future husband". Still, she has just as much right to have her own bedroom as he does to want to share a bedroom with his wife. But it is something they should probably work out prior to vowing to spend their lives together.

I am not saying one way is better than the other. In fact I am saying the opposite, that we simple cannot know the outcome. It is simply my opinion and observation that relationships tend to be longer-lasting when the partners are given some breathing room, emotionally and sometimes physically.