Regarding the Halloween party, the LW seems to have very little idea what parties are about. She's afraid the other guest might be uncomforable? What could possibly be uncomfortable about a grandparent being at this party? (That's the sort of lame excuse you come up with after you've overanalyzed things for hours.) Parties are supposed to be fun, yet she's intent on being uptight and inflexible. If she can't handle an easy request like this, she probably shouldn't be hosting a party to begin with.

I agree that the other guests probably wouldn't be "uncomfortable" about the grandfather's presence -- that seemed odd. But I do think the guest was being a bit rude by inviting along her own guest. Maybe the LW had planned a festive little table for eight, with eight party favors, eight cupcakes, just enough silverware/chairs for eight, etc. I think my own reaction would be "the more the merrier," but the LW has every right to plan her own party and invite her own guests. What if everyone wanted to bring a friend or two? It's not polite to do that to your hostess.

The other day my daughter was invited to a birthday party and I was unavailable to take her so I asked if my other daughter, her older sister could walk her there and back. The hostess said no, I don't have room for another child at the party. I wasn't offended at all. The hostess offered to pick up and drop off my child but I didn't want to put her through the extra trouble during her daughter's birthday so I declined the invitation and hopefully we'll get the girls together another time. I don't think it's rude to ask if someone else can come. It would be rude to show up with the GF without asking. If the LW can accommodate the GF, nice. If she can't perhaps that family will visit her when they don't have relatives in town.

Which only begs the question of why she's so freaked about about saying no and being "the bad guy." The whole letter seemed so bizarre to me - like Sundown, it's hard for me to get why it's such a problem to have the grandpa along (I mean, really?) And if it is, why is it so hard to explain that to the person asking - a simple, "I'm so sorry, we really planned this as a very small gathering and can't accomodate extra guests" ought to suffice. What's the big deal?

It sounds like the LW is probably just very immature. The other 6 / 7 guests are likely her peers (as their children are her child's peers), so the grandfather is going to be outside of the general age bracket in the room. That would also explain why she would even have a stupid question like this instead of handling it on her own. If she thinks noone is going to be comfortable discussing the OC's Halloween Special in front of grandpa, she should just say so.

Novemberrose:

It sounds like the LW is probably just very immature. The other 6 / 7 guests are likely her peers (as their children are her child's peers), so the grandfather is going to be outside of the general age bracket in the room. That would also explain why she would even have a stupid question like this instead of handling it on her own. If she thinks noone is going to be comfortable discussing the OC's Halloween Special in front of grandpa, she should just say so.

These days, you can hardly discern someone's age by the age of their children. A guy my age (32) could easily be a grandpa these days (albeit not likely the grandpa of a six-year-old), what with the past few decades of oversexualized teenagers breeding like rabbits. Then again, he could also be 32 and childless, like I am---by the time I've got a six-year-old I'll probably be well past forty, and I had a friend in high school whose dad was collecting Social Security!

Now if the LW is one of several late 20s-early 30s women who all had kids around the same life stage, and one of them wants to bring an old fiftysomething codger to the party who would otherwise have no dog in the fight, that's a little different.

I have no idea what "the OC's Halloween Special" is or why it would be appropriate to discuss it in front of 6 year old's but not grandpa so I really don't see what difference it makes how old grandpa is. @Monster Dog you speak as if teen pregnancy is some recent phenomenon. I assure you that over-sexualized teenagers have been breeding like rabbits for a lot longer (try CENTURIES longer) than the past few decades.

I'm quite aware that teens have been breeding like rabbits for ages (not even counting the 12-year-old "once she bleeds, marry her off" culture of antiquity)---my own grandmother got pregnant at 17 and gave birth to my uncle Paul six weeks after her 18th birthday. She ended up marrying the guy who knocked her up---a drunken lout who abused her for 25 years before her five kids grew up and she could get away from him. Whether the abused Catholic housewife is better or worse off than today's welfare-collecting single teen mother is not an argument I care to try and make.

Maybe it's because my own teen years were marked by the fallout from Magic Johnson announcing he was HIV+ (I was 14 at the time) and every girl at my school suddenly becoming afraid of sex as a result, but I tend to view teen pregnancy as a "somewhere else" thing. In my graduating class of 235, there was one girl (ONE!) with a child and another who got knocked up on prom night. My high school didn't add a daycare facility until 2002 (and then only because the teen pregnancy rate skyrocketed in the late 1990s due to...well, I won't go into school-administration esoterica. Suffice to say the new principal they hired after good old Mr. Osbourne retired was a new-age weenie and an idiot and the school went straight to hell.)

Faye - I'm all for etiquette in dealing with acquaintances and such but hopefully if you are inviting somebody to your home then they are a friend. A friend has a right to ask an occasional favor without it being rude. Then if the hostess has things set up just perfect, she can explain that and the guest / friend should understand. No big deal.

Don't we have enough struggles in this world without making it so that a person cannot just ask a simple question without being seen as rude?

Amen, Susan! Preach it, girl!

"Oh we'd love to come, but we have my father-in-law in town that weekend..."

Two choices for hostess, then: "Fun! Bring him along!" or "Oh, we'll miss you...I'll save a goodie bag for Junior."

THAT's the way to handle "asking" the hostess if you can bring an extra, because yes, it is rude to just ask. Be prepared for EITHER response, though, from the hostess.

A grandparent at a kid's halloween party though - how hard would that be to include???

How is it rude simply to ask if you can bring someone else along? It would be one thing, certainly, if the addition of a guest meant the addition of significant effort or expense on the part of a host, but given that this is a party for children, I fail to see how adding an additional adult is likely to increase the burden.

Mmermaid:

"Oh we'd love to come, but we have my father-in-law in town that weekend..."

Two choices for hostess, then: "Fun! Bring him along!" or "Oh, we'll miss you...I'll save a goodie bag for Junior."

THAT's the way to handle "asking" the hostess if you can bring an extra, because yes, it is rude to just ask. Be prepared for EITHER response, though, from the hostess.

A grandparent at a kid's halloween party though - how hard would that be to include???

Granted, (given your last sentence) you're not in total disagreement with the general thought trend here, but I have to say, I don't really think it is rude to ask if you can bring someone. Of course, I'm assuming that we're talking about a nice, older man (assuming that he's not a drooling alzheimer's patient who'll probably spill his colostomy bag all over the floor right by the punch bowl).

Rude is all in the manner of asking. "Would it be okay if we brought his grandpa, he would really love to see junior in his cute little Obama costume" isn't rude. Announcing that you're bringing someone, or just showing up, now that's rude. I will grant you that it depends on how well the people know each other. If you're just barely acquainted, yeah, you're right, that's kind of rude, but between friends, not so much.

It is rude to ask if someone can tag along to an invitation-only party. Mmermaid had it right with her, "Oh, we'd love to come, but we have father-in-law in that weekend." I don't think LW is uptight. I think LW is just familiar with basic ettiquette and manners. GF was not invited, but they were. Next time, maybe they won't be either.

Soigne:

It is rude to ask if someone can tag along to an invitation-only party. Mmermaid had it right with her, "Oh, we'd love to come, but we have father-in-law in that weekend." I don't think LW is uptight. I think LW is just familiar with basic ettiquette and manners. GF was not invited, but they were. Next time, maybe they won't be either.

Sorry, I still disagree, and I do think the LW seems uptight. It's not rude to ask, nor is it rude for her to say, "I'm sorry but we wanted it just to be these few invited people." But, yes, you are correct that Mmermaid's version of asking would be the most polite. It all depends on how well these people know each other.

The real question is, "why does the LW think that this would make the other guests uncomfortable?".

Really, my opinion is that this is a non-problem, and certainly not something worthy of writing an advice columnist about. It all depends upon the details that the LW did not provide.