This is rather uncharacteristic of Prudie. Judging from the LW's relationship history- it doesn't seem like she is the type that goes around all that much. In other words, there is a pretty good chance that she'll end up marying this BF. What if she ends up marrying him? How long would she have to continue living the lie? The longer you live a lie, the harder it is to come clean. The other problem is she might still be seeing this professor for a long time to come in social situations. Don't you think the husband would at least want to know if his wife had done the nasty with a man who shows up regularly at their weddings, baby showers, christmas parties, etc.

Why? I mean unless she is currently doing the nasty with said man what business is it of the bf?

Why should the boyfriend be priveleged to know who she has done "the nasty" with? Any relationship needs some basic foundations: the past matters or it doesn't. If it does, then by all means full disclosure by both for everything. If it doesn't, then disclosure is only necessary if it has an impact on the present or future of the relationship. If disclosure dooms the relationship, that's an impact. And if such one sided disclosure dooms the relationship, then it's a "good" doom!

If the person she has done "the nasty" with is able to maintain a collegial and friendly relationship with both of them, it shouldn't matter. (The code of ethics for the professor is an entirely different matter- if he had an intimate relationship with a student, he certainly has violated professional ethical standards. The fact that he is no longer in an intimate relationship with a student is a plus.)

On the other hand, if her professional position is compromised by this disclosure, is it because the only reason she has the profession is payment for proficiency in the bedroom? That's another topic!

And I wonder about your reference to "the nasty".

icemilkcoffee:

Don't you think the husband would at least want to know if his wife had done the nasty with a man who shows up regularly at their weddings, baby showers, christmas parties, etc.

He might want to know, but the reality is that it is probably best if he doesn't if they are going to continue to interact in social situations. Talk about awkward. It doesn't sound like the LW has any intention of resuming her relationship with the professor, so her past relationship is irrelevant.

Look, the prof is old. I say she should reverse cowgirl him till he dies. Done and done.

The past is the past, she shouldn't have to worry about it. I don't know very many (or any) guys who would seriously have a problem with their GF having a past sexual partner. 40 past sexual partners, maybe, but not a partner or 3. I wonder if her fears regarding his reaction are realistic.

If he really is that uptight about something like this then maybe he is not the right guy for her. It is strange though that the proff is still her advisor.

What a way to its yggy. What a way to go.

People think they want to know until they actually know. I say keep the boyfriend in the dark.

pollyanna:

Why should the boyfriend be priveleged to know who she has done "the nasty" with? Any relationship needs some basic foundations: the past matters or it doesn't. ...

Well- it's up to the BF to decide whether her past matters or not. Since he asked that means he wants to know.

She needs to own up to her past, and let the BF decide how he wants to deal with it.

Tundrasomething:

People think they want to know until they actually know. I say keep the boyfriend in the dark.

Come on - I don't think it's that bad. It's not like she did the whole football team or anything like that.

But if she initiated an affair with a married man (I am assuming a lot of things here) who was her superior, I think the BF ought to know about it.

It was that she had it with her professor, why she had it, that she has lied about it, and that she continues to have him as her advisor.

To me that is all too close, too convenient and too collegial. Was the professor married, did she have the affair to get a good grade, if so what if she needs another good grade now that he is her faculty advisor? Why did she lie about it?

There are some underlying issues here that need explored before this just get written off as youthful indiscretion. I think the bf needs to know so he can decide what he wants to do.

On the other hand, if her professional position is compromised by this disclosure, is it because the only reason she has the profession is payment for proficiency in the bedroom? That's another topic!

She sounds like she's in the humanities, probably PhD, where contacts and rep seriously matter. I.e. a friendly word from her ex (or her ex's peers) in the right ear can mean the difference between having an academic career or not having one. Or even if she doesn't need him for contacts, having a massive sex scandal at the start of her career might well be the end of her career.

I just don't understand why the boyfriend gets to pass judgment on something she did before they were dating.

I've been on both sides - where we both tell each other everything and where we tell each other the bare minimum. Much happier with the bare minimum. Going into Safeway at 11pm on a Tuesday night and realizing your cashier clerk has slept with your boyfriend before you did is rather stomach churning. Can't imagine that the boyfriend in this situation is going to feel very good about going onto campus and seeing the prof the screwed his girl before him.

There's just no point. First, it's not his place to pass judgment - this isn't something she did to HIM. Secondly, nobody is going to feel better for knowing. Nobody. Not the boyfriend, not the professor, and certainly not the letter writer.

"I just don't understand why the boyfriend gets to pass judgment on something she did before they were dating.-snip-First, it's not his place to pass judgment - this isn't something she did to HIM"

That isn't true. If this prof was out of the picture, it'd be a non-issue. Ditto if she did a member of her research group, where it's just "shi**ing where you eat" and there is no power differential.

It's something she _is doing_ to him - maintaining a close power relationship with a former lover without telling him. She essentially slept with her boss and continues to work there, and an advisor is even more personal a relationship.

Given the political nature of academia, the student or the prof could each be induced to blackmail each other (sexually or otherwise). That certainly involves the boyfriend. Feelings might rekindle, not everyone can socialize with exes and have it be fine. Her mate is entitled to help her figure that out. It's also highly unlikely nobody else knows about the affair, so she should tell the man herself to avoid a nasty surprise from the rumor mill.

"Secondly, nobody is going to feel better for knowing. Nobody. Not the boyfriend, not the professor, and certainly not the letter writer."

Yeah, but that's not the point of ethical right and wrong. What has to be balanced against harm is things like propriety, integrity and conflict of interest.

Was the prof married? If so, the student abetted adultery - her boyfriend is absolutely entitled to know his lover helped in breaching a marriage. That's not to say she'll do it to him, but he needs to know what kind of ethical decisions she has made and why.

This prof is, and will be for decades, materially and closely involved in the movement of her career. Her beau should at least get to know that they dated (no one has to talk about "the nasty") so he can consider the prof's assistance in full context.

(Personally, I think it's nuts for him to think she's only had one partner - a sexually-active graduate student is almost certain to have had multiple partners. So I am betting he suspects otherwise, buffed up by her bedroom prowess, and her denials raise suspicion.)

Tundrasomething:

I just don't understand why the boyfriend gets to pass judgment on something she did before they were dating.

...

There's just no point. First, it's not his place to pass judgment - this isn't something she did to HIM.

We figure anything that happened before we were committed to each other doesn't count. Anything that happens now does.