The LW stepmother may not have much experience with teens, and this can add another layer of difficulty to the situation.

Relationships are more important than things (such as beds unmade and t.p. unchanged). To this stepmom, I'd say:

1. Remember the truism, "I may forget what you did, but I'll never forget how you made me feel." Welcome stepson and friend with glad smiles. If they'll converse with you, it's gold. Let the rest go.

2. Join with hubby in thinking up teen-friendly events, even things that might be new to you and allow him to strut his stuff - and if you can get goofy and laugh together, even better. It could be bike riding, paintball, Wii, serving meals at a mission - things that you can do together to start looking for your own traditions. Remember that guys usually don't like to sit down for a heart-to-heart but will often talk while you're engaged in a project together.

3. Take the long view. This boy/man will soon be a man who may visit with girlfriend or wife, who may bring delightful grandchildren into your life. Work on being the kind of friendly safe haven that he will gladly seek out in the next chapters of his life.

Relax and keep trying!

The LW struck me as somebody just looking for a problem to gripe about. The kid had a cold, not the Ebola virus. Granted the tissues laying around is gross, but learn to pick your battles. This stepson likely already hates her guts because of other "problems" like this. She married the guy so she essentially volunteered for this duty.

NanaP:

Relationships are more important than things (such as beds unmade and t.p. unchanged).

There are many people who will never understand the truth of that sentence no matter how often they read it or hear it.

"The LW struck me as somebody just looking for a problem to gripe about." Exactly. How could the visiting friend have changed the toilet paper roll unless he knew where the supplies were kept? If he had looked through the bathroom cupboards and closets, Wicked Stepmother would have complained that no one ever taught him it's rude to snoop. When we have guests, I make sure they don't have to ask for more toilet paper. I put new rolls in the holder, and spares where they can be seen.

Yep. Wicked stepmother is looking for justification for her hateful feelings about having to deal with stepson. No, the step relationship is not easy .... I'm a stepmother, and my kids have stepmoms. And I think it's harder for the stepmoms because the fathers often seem to not notice the problems (which I agree are quite trivial here in the grand scope of things). Moms want to control. Dads just want some peace. So kids end up having to deal with "control freak" stepmoms. I'd want a friend on hand for deflecting some of that negative energy too ..... sniffles or not!!

Stepmom .... please, look for positive solutions and ways to feel better about yourself. And don't waste energy blaming the stepson (or teens in general) for your misery. Give up some control and stop expecting perfection, concentrate on somebody else's happiness and use some imagination for providing a less tense environment for your stepson (take everybody bowling, for heaven's sake). Find ways to relax and unstress with the family. Then you'll feel better about yourself when you know you are the catalyst for positive changes in your family's environment. The added benefit is that you'll have a better marriage because you'll also become a more relaxed spouse.

Your advice is spot-on, NanaP, but I think the problem is that the stepmother isn't interested in a relationship with this kid. She is focused on finding fault and resenting him. I was a horrible houseguest at that age (undiagnosed ADD paired with typical teenage narcissism) and I thank the stars for the tolerance and kindness my friends' parents showed me, even while I cringe at past sins. I think she should be pretty impressed that they actually DID do the things expected when reminded, myself.

Heck, I was even doubting that the friend had a full-blown cold - I usually have the worst sniffles when the cold has pretty much left my system.

The friend didn't WANT to come with the stepson, I'll guarantee that. At 17, nobody wants to go visit someone else's parents for a weekend when it's 5 hours away.

The friend might also have had chronic allergies; it's the season. (Ask me how I know. And hand me another tissue while you're there.)

I wonder when the LWs read the fray whether they consider our contributions.