Marriage is supposed to be about two people committing to each other, taking vows, and honoring those vows and commitment. Bachelor parties make a complete mockery of marriage and break down the value of it. The letter writer should seriously consider whether she wants a boyfriend who doesn't respect marriage, and whether she wants a boyfriend who is too spineless to go against the crowd and do what's right.

It's just a party. I don't see what the big deal is. I figure if you can't trust your partner to attend a party with strippers and what-not, then the problem isn't the setting i.e. a bachelor party. The problem IS your partner!

Oh c'mon, now. We're talking about adolescent silliness among boys, not jumping every prostitute in three states!

Sure, bachelor parties are kinda dumb and I think they're a cubic waste of money. The Boy has attended one or two of the "standard" cheesy parties and has declared them boring. He left early. In his set, a group of friends take out the groom-to-be for a nice dinner and merriment that doesn't involve naked or even partially undressed strangers. Actually, there aren't ANY women at these events.

Making a "mockery of marriage"? No. He doesn't actually do anything untoward at these events, and they tend to get fewer and fewer as people hit their 30s and upwards.

Now answer me this - If SHE had a Tuesday movie night with a group of female friends that terminated at a bar where everyone has a snack and a couple of drinks (for the sake of this argument, they're either all within walking distance or cabbing it), would HE be within his rights to tell her she's not allowed to go because of what she "might" do?

It's a similar situation. After all, women get picked up in bars all the time. There are strangers there. Who KNOWS what might happen, right? Isn't that similar to the bachelor party scenario (minus the strippers, of course)? Would you call her "too spineless to go against the crowd?"

See, you can't have it both ways. Getting married doesn't mean that a couple is grafted at the hip until they die, never permitted to be outside the presence of the other. The healthiest marriages are typically composed of people who spend time socializing apart, with some completely separate hobbies, etc. This is because healthy and happy couples trust each other.

If the LW has evidence that her boyfriend (not even fiance!) actually DID something at a bachelor party, then she's right to have trust issues. If he DOESN'T, then she has to learn that healthy relationships don't come with shackles.

PP you're scary, and I think you've got a moralizing corn cob up your butt. Take it out, relax that adamatium spine of yours and have a little fun. And lose the Pinoeer dresses....they aren't flattering to anyone. Just because someone goes out without the other (and hey, they ain't married yet!) to a bar and a strip club, doesn't mean that they are going to cheat. Jeeze! Do you have a PI follow your SO around every moment of the day when you aren't with them to make sure they aren't doing anything that might make a 'mokery of marriage.'

You're prudishness just amazes me.....I'm really at a loss of what I really want to say to someone like you and how to say it......

Ah, you remind me of me in my first year of marriage and how Hurt, Offended and Sickened at the Very Idea of hubby visiting a strip club, or going to a rowdy bachelor party, I was.

Now, nine years of deepening of trust and understanding later, I just roll my eyes at the dumbass stuff men are compelled do sometimes. Even honorable, trustworthy men who love their wives and respect women.

Doesn't mean they have a character defect if they go with the flow once in a while, yo. It's not like it was a murder spree.

Bottom line is this-- if your man is someone who would cheat on you at his bachelor party, then he is someone who would cheat on you, period. A bachelor party does not turn a guy into a cheater.

I love how comfortable we are excusing bad behavior in men. Bachelor parties in general are not the problem, the drunken, stripper parties are the problem. It's not just having a good time, or harmless fun, actually it's pretty gross. I more than empathize with women who are bothered by this, it's demeaning. The lewd "last night as a single man before the ball and chain" type bachelor parties are ridiculous and need to go the way of the Dodo. If friends of mine wanted to have this kind of party and wanted me there, yes I would decline, every time. Fortunately my friends tend to have more class than this.

middle path, well put!

A lot of you seem to be missing the point. The letter writer wasn't writing about her boyfriend cheating on her, and I didn't post about cheating either. Her point, and mine, is that bachelor parties are, to use her words, distasteful. They devalue what marriage is supposed to be about. Sure a lot of men can attend them and remain faithful to their spouse/significant other. That's not the point.

MessyONE, you want to "minus the strippers" of bachelor parties (in other words you want to ignore that element) and then try to raise women going out for a drink to the level of bachelor parties. It is you who are trying to have it both ways. Nice try, though.

guamania, you say you’ve been married nine years. I've been married for 22 years so hopefully when you've been married that long you'll figure out that honorable, trustworthy men who love their wives and respect women don't engage in "dumbass stuff” that dishonors women and lowers respect for them. Kudos to your husband though for being able to convince you otherwise!

What a sad statement on our society when arguing in favor of decency and integrity is attacked.

PiquePlace:

Marriage is supposed to be about two people committing to each other, taking vows, and honoring those vows and commitment. Bachelor parties make a complete mockery of marriage and break down the value of it.

Oh? I had a Bachelorette party. My husband has a Bachelor party. Neither diminished our commitment to each other or broke any vows. If a couple is honest with each other, and with themselves, they can create and accept the boundries on their relationship that work best.

PiquePlace:

The letter writer should seriously consider whether she wants a boyfriend who doesn't respect marriage, and whether she wants a boyfriend who is too spineless to go against the crowd and do what's right.

What's "right" and how one "respects" marriage are a matter of opinion. There's nothing inherently wrong with Bachelor parties. The only issue is when someone violates the promises they've made.

middle path:

Bachelor parties in general are not the problem, the drunken, stripper parties are the problem. It's not just having a good time, or harmless fun, actually it's pretty gross.

Your opinion, not fact. They are only a problem if someone is hurt.

middle path:

I more than empathize with women who are bothered by this, it's demeaning.

It's only demeaning if you believe it to be. I simply don't see anything demeaning in it personally, and thus its not a problem.

middle path:

If friends of mine wanted to have this kind of party and wanted me there, yes I would decline, every time. Fortunately my friends tend to have more class than this.

Your choice. But that doesn't make it inherently wrong.

middle path:

...I love how comfortable we are excusing bad behavior in men. Bachelor parties in general are not the problem, the drunken, stripper parties are the problem. It's not just having a good time, or harmless fun, actually it's pretty gross. I more than empathize with women who are bothered by this, it's demeaning...

Why can't it be pretty gross harmless fun?

I'm taking it then that your and the OP's primary objection then is to strippers rather than the party?

controlling ever little aspect of his life from now own.

KA

And the result is identical. You seem to be saying that he has every right to lock her in the house if she proposes to go out with her friends for harmless, if somewhat lewd, fun. Am I wrong? Do you think couples have the right to "ground" each other, as it were?

"Decency and integrity" are what couples have who are happy together AND apart. They don't need to dictate the actions of their partners, because they are decent people who have the integrity to keep their vows without being constantly monitored. They are not insecure, you see, so they don't need to do that. In short, they are adults who act like adults, not little children.

Your notions of "decency" are not necessarily those of others. In fact, judging by the responses here, they are not even all that common.

I'm just going to go out on a limb and say that if you really feel you need to have "one last night of fun" before you get married, you need to sit down and think about whether marriage is something you really want to commit to.

OTOH, I also think that for most people, the Vegassy/super transgressive bachelor/ette party is probably just "last fun" in quotes, and also an incentive to be grateful that those days are over in their lives.

Neither I nor Astronaut had such a party. Not our particular brand of smokes.

But if it is yours, internet people, then more power to ya and hope the marriage is as fun as the b-party. Or more, really. And anyway, who cares about other people's choices?

The other thing I'll say is that saying "X degrades marriage" is a too-broad brush. Because if you're saying "bachelor parties degrade marriage," well, there are plenty of examples of strong marriages that followed some serious debauchery a few nights before (and some that include debauchery in them, with other people. I'm talking swingers! They exist!). You may as well say "Gay marriage degrades the institution of marriage." Nobody's gay marriage is inflicting itself on mine. You can say "Divorce degrades marriage," which is literally true, but of course, what led to the divorce?

According to Stephanie Coontz, the ultimate destroyer of marriage is love. Now that we have to be in love relationships instead of family-arranged or approved businessy marriages, when love fades (as it will) or when something that is mistaken for love is the basis of a marriage, or when people change, the marriage is at risk.

Pretty radical thesis. Obviously it appeals to me. But so do such straw men arguments as, "Lutefisk degrades marriage," "empty toilet paper rolls degrade marriage" and "Biking degrades marriage." Because they're about as honest as "stripper parties degrade marriage."

I bet empty toilet paper rolls left on the bar have been the straw that destroyed as many marriages as wild bachelor parties.