There has been very little Pseudie action this week, and the only one there was isn't here any more. It has thus come to my attention that there is a lot of bad language on the board. No, not bad spelling and grammar, although that abounds, but *bad words* that are inappropriate in a family setting.

Now as you all know (or should by this time), I occasionally rip loose with a or an . I don't think I get too drastic with it, but then who the cares about that stuff anyway? However. To the point of this intro.... I shall endeavor not to say bad words. Really really. Note that I am posting before dinner, so that I haven't been into the wine yet and will be able to retrain myself more effectively.

Nonetheless, if I can't overcome the urge, I do hope you'll all forgive me if I add one of these: as a means of expressing myself. I think you'll get what I mean with the context, anyway.


1. Oh boy, what a group you women are! All of you - your mother, your sister, you...all banding together to punish a man who loves ALL of his children and takes care of ALL of them.

SHADDAP!

For a minute and look at the situation like the grownup you pretend to be.

a. Your father had an affair when you were still practically in diapers. That was stupid of him.

b. Your parents no doubt when through to come to some sort of accommodation for YOURS AND YOUR SISTER'S SAKE. You mother TOOK HIM BACK, and they both continued to maintain the household as it was. That should have been the end of it - except your mother is resentful and nasty about it to this day - to the point of denying a child the right to see HIS grandparents, apparently.

c. Your dad stayed with your family because he loves you and wanted you to have a happy childhood, WHICH YOU DID.

d. BOTH of your parents decided not to tell you two what had happened. Perfectly rational. Why did they do this? Because it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

See, and that's where this all goes to smash. Your parents' love life is none of your business! Their relationship had nothing to do with you. Your father didn't cheat on you. He cheated on your mother. No, it was not the smartest thing to do, nor was it particularly bright to father a child...but he did it.

So now, he decided to treat you and your sister like the adults he thought he raised. He told you about your brother. Make no mistake, THAT KID IS YOUR BROTHER. You don't have to like it. No one's asking you to. Your father is hoping that he raised you and your sister NOT to be the churlish person your mother has been for all these years.

You're completely missing that your father is a braver and better person than any of the three of you. He made a mistake, he owned up to it, and he took care of his son. He stayed in contact with him. He loves him as much as he loves you and I'm guessing that your mother's attitude just about killed him, because his son is his family, JUST AS YOU ARE.

See, he could have abandoned this baby that he made. He could have refused to pay any child support. He could easily have gone through his life pretending that his son never happened. A lot of men do that. A LOT of men would have done that in order to stay married, too. He chose the harder and ultimately more rewarding way. This is something that you cannot understand, because you and your sister are small, ugly people who only want to deal with the world in your fantasies. Messy reality is something you run from.

I know what's going to happen here. Your mother is going to issue an ultimatum and demand that you stay away from your brother. You are going to go through your live trying to punish one of maybe four people on this planet who love you, and all for something that was none of your business in the first place. Your brother will decide, in the fullness of time, that even though he might have LOVED to have the sisters his father told him about, you are just a couple of mean that are too toxic to deal with.

I hope that your father's ambitions to raise truly decent human beings are at least realized in his son.


2. Hoo, boy. This is one of those letters that makes me want to..... smack you in the face with a cold pancake and make you clean the garage for two days straight! What the are you thinking, woman?

(Note: I realize that many posters think this LW is a man. I'm not going to argue the point. I don't really care what gender this person is because bad and silly behavior is gender neutral. I chose female because...why not?)

SHADDAP!

I think I know. I'm not even going to address the issue of the money and how to pay it back or forward or whatever the Prudie quite sensibly suggested. See, she treated you like a reasonable human being who wanted to make amends, and I think there's more going on than that.

See, you up ONCE in your entire life. Other than that, things have been pretty banal, right? You grew up in a good family, you got your degrees, got the good job, got the good husband, had a couple (?) of kids that we don't know, but assume with be pretty good...and you're BORED!

That's it, isn't it? Either that or it's that bizarre Puritan streak that some Americans have that just can't accept that life is good and should be enjoyed. You've let this petty nonsense slide for what, decades? NOW you want to bring it all up again? Why? So you can have your husband angry with you, lose your job and never get another, and have your kids visit you in prison?

You WANT to throw it all in the just because life seems too easy and you have no real drama! Admit it! Things are going well, and some deep Freudian , coupled with a couple of sermons on the subject of mortal versus venal sin that you were subjected to in your childhood and maybe the fact that you fantasize a bit about the guy you dated in college who was a better kisser than your husband is, YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S RIGHT.

You can't bear the thought of enjoying your life for the sake of enjoying life, you have to screw it up somehow, the fact that you have it good scares the out of you! Hah! I knew it! I don't think you'll follow Prudie's (very sensible) advice because the notion of sitting down with everyone you know and "confessing" this minor peccadillo is just too appealing to you. If you want to punish yourself, have at it. It's silly, makes no sense and will hurt people who care about you, but you don't care about them, right? No, this is all about YOU!

(insert snort of derision here)


3. Ok. Let me get this straight. Your sister is a lying, abusive tard who terrorized you throughout your childhood. Check. You cut her out of your life. Check, and good on ya for that! Now she claims to want to make nice and you're considering it?

SHADDAP!!

Oh fercryinoutloud! You were doing so well, in fact, you did everything right! You cut off your sister, refuse to talk about her and now that she sent you ONE e-mail you're seriously considering talking to her to keep your parents happy?

SHADDAP! again

Another list is in order.

a. You sister brutalized you as a child. Did your parents ever pull her off you?

b. She lied to you, about you, stole your stuff and generally tried to make your life as miserable as she could without actually killing you. Small favors. Did your parents ever stop her or get your things back for you?

c. You KNOW she never changed, all of her children were taken away from her because she couldn't resist abusing them, too. Clearly she's a nasty piece of work that should be in prison for what she's done.

d. Your parents KNEW what she was doing all along, and did nothing to defend you. Did you ever ask them why? Or did you give that up when you were still little because you knew they didn't care enough to answer you?

e. You quit school and RAN AWAY when you were still only a kid, your parents knew why you did this and NEVER TRIED TO HELP. Did they ever even bother trying to find out if you needed money or a place to stay? Did they help you with school? Did they ever even bother trying to find out where you WERE, or if you were still alive? No?

So who was worse, I wonder. Your sister, who you avoid like the poison she is, or your parents, who allowed her to harm you? See, I'm thinking it's your parents who are the real problem here. They could have stopped this at any time along the way and they chose not to. They CHOSE to watch from the sidelines as you were being brutalized and abused. That makes them as guilty as your sister.

Prudie's right. You owe these people nothing. Keep them out of your life, and I promise (and I speak from experience here) that your life will do nothing but improve. You've already seen about the worst life has to offer - now go and hunt down the best. You've earned it.


4. NNNNGGGGGGggg.....!!!!! No. No. Stop! I can't take it any more!!!!

SHADDAP!

JUST SHADDAP! Please!

Yet ANOTHER list? Spare me! Oy, what did I do to deserve this!

Ok.

a. You got married, and learned to be a gourmet cook, so

b. Your husband got fat (tish), which he didn't much enjoy so,

c. He went to the gym and lost the weight to the point that,

d. He's pretty sure he's got his high school body back, which is a good thing, because,

e. His high school brain never changed and to prove it,

f. He's panting and slobbering after his high school girlfriend, and

g. LYING to you about it, not once, but ALL THE TIME!

Did I miss anything? Do you want me to connect the dots? Well, I refuse. If you can't figure it out, then we can give you a verbal kick in the pants when you write AGAIN in a year or so, whining that your husband knocked up his mistress and asking if you should dump him or stay with him and train your children to resent his out-of-wedlock baby.

________________________

my head is killing me. Next time....if there IS a next time...I just don't know whether I can hold in the language... But I'll have to try, won't I?

Admirably restrained, and absolutely spot on about most of the major conclusions.

I like your prediction for the future of situation 1 particularly. It strikes me as almost exactly right. Perhaps you give the father a bit more credit than he deserves, but as he's behaved better than 95% of his ilk there's no point in quibbling. One thing I wonder, though, is how much time can be considered a reasonable allowance for adjusting to such news. Not that I think she will be decent about it in the end. But given that the daughters were probably raised with am assortment of lies and that they presumably had more time and attention from the parent who did more harm to an innocent child, it hardly seems reasonable to expect that the, "You have a brother," conversation would end with her wanting to meet and welcome the boy on the spot. As the boy is already in existence, the LW does not have the luxury of time that her father had during the pregnancy to adjust and prepare, but I'm at a bit of a loss for specifics - what would you say?

MessyONE:

2. Hoo, boy. This is one of those letters that makes me want to..... smack you in the face with a cold pancake and make you clean the garage for two days straight!

MOTHER!!! No...wait - are you giving Satan a bj right now? No? Then you're not her.

MessyONE:

3. Ok. Let me get this straight. Your sister is a lying, abusive tard

Next time, go ahead and use "tardmo". You know you wanna. Take that, you so-called "Editors"!

Well, I DID make up a new word this week whilst listening to the NPR. Ready for it? Yes?

"Republitard"

Like it? I did. The Boy laughed...I think he plans on shamelessly stealing it. It can also go with my previous fully invented word:

"Republimentalist"

That's my personal favorite. Naturally, Smag and Schuyler will try to take credit for them immediately, but WE know the truth, right?

I was beginning to feel a bit neglected.

See, I just left out the bad words this time. I think next time (if there is one) I'm just going to type *bad word* where I would normally use an off-color term. Better safe than sorry, but it adds to the readability, don't you think? Plus, I once knew a very elderly lady who would use this in conversation. Instead of saying, "He was an a--h---", she would say, "He was a *bad word*". Everyone knew what she meant, but it made her feel better.

Pretty fictions are like that. They allow people to pretend that nothing untoward is going on while still enjoying the benefit of them. Of course no on REALLY speaks like this (except maybe me), so we all go along with the little social lie that no one KNOWS the bad words in the first place, even if we concede that they exist in the first place.

As for LW #1, I think she is acting like a bit of a dog in the manger. I have a grudging admiration for her father, who *bad word* up, but still soldiered through and made things as right as he possibly could in the end. As for the mother, there was a letter like this not so long ago, and I stand by what I said then.

She CHOSE to take him back. He kept his end of the bargain. He never spoke to her of his son, never tried to make her meet the child, and fulfilled his family obligations on both sides of the blanket. This couldn't have been easy for either of them, but a bargain struck cannot be changed. She has to stand by her choice AND her husband and make sure that her daughters understand that this is none of their business except in the fact that they have a brother.

Anything after that is on the LW and her sister. Pouting will accomplish nothing at this point. It might also result in their being left out of the will...... which I'm guessing they haven't considered.

Like the advice to the sister! (LW#3?? Can't remember) I read that letter, and save for the fact that the one child I know of that my sister conceived was put up for adoption instead of waiting around to have him taken from her, that could have been me. To the tee! Maybe, I'd add a bit more bad things, but hey, I don't like to sugarcoat. I couldn't believe she'd even consider keeping this toxic person around because of a parent. I cut ties with my sis the day I turned 18 and didn't allow my mother the time of day when she tried to make us play nice. Finally, to shut Mommy dearest up, I made an itemized list of some of the worse things my sister had done to me and posted it on my fridge when my mum would visit. Every time my mom made a reference to her, I'd silently point and change the subject. She stopped trying after awhile.

Messy, I love the thought of beating that guy/gal with a cold pancake and making her/him clean the garage for two days! Send him to my garage next, I guarantee it will take him/her more than 2 days to clean it (more like a year!) and I'll have plenty of cold pancakes on hand. I also enjoyed all your other shaddaps which were particularly well deserved this week.

Please please don't let the thought of "bad words" cramp your lively style. Language is made to be used to the fullest so how could any word be "bad"? You just have to use the words that best convey what you intent to convey (though I have to say I am impressed with the aesthetic merits of the words you invented to use instead of the so called "bad" ones! The Boy is not the only one who might borrow them....)

Instead of *bad word*, use the Republican-approved term, "Expletive Deleted." Dontcha remember Watergate?

I'm amazed how many let the parents of the evil sister off the hook. And how stupid the last one was. Maybe she was her own family's Cinderella, and is still living like she's everyone else's.

The father of the kids who can't deal with a "new" brother posed it incorrectly. He should have told them, "I always thought there was something lacking in your lives, but I knew you wouldn't want to deal with the house-breaking and such that comes with a new addition. So for the past 13 years, I've been bringing up, just for you, a new baby brother! Only, of course, now that he's house-broken and all, he's not really a baby." After all, it's all about them, isn't it?

No eff-words?

No s-words?

No a-words?

OK, the third and fourth are ok with out them but the first and second really need to know their real names and they need to know the dope-slap is coming their way.

Here are the spots - the : got left out somehow.

#1 … even though he might have LOVED to have the sisters his father told him about, you are just a couple of mean [ some particularly offensive word] that are too toxic to deal with. …

#2 ... You [ some particularly offensive word] up ONCE

Tonto, you are right, as always. I'll have to think of a way to do this that gets the point across. I have a couple of ideas. Let's *bad word* on a fictional character I'll call Billy. How about,

Billy is turning out to sound like a real (can't say that), don't you think?

Hmmm.

Billy's going to be (*bad word*, can't say that, either) upset when he finds that his (*bad word*bad word*bad word* can't I just say it once?) wife ran off with the plumber...

Whaddaya think?

From what I can see there was open season on trolls over the weekend. A lot of the nastier posts were eliminated, and not just for offensive language.

Schuyler got deleted.

How about just skipping the first syllable: "ucking" "ucker" "ucktard" etc? Or how about making a space in the middle of the word: "fu cking" etc? Or how about inventing new spelling: "fooquing" etc?

If you can read this post, it must mean that this is the way to defeat the censoring computer!

Oh, I had wondered what happened this week. I remember SpaceCadet saying she was going to be out for a while, but wondered where everyone else went. Thought there was no way just shifting to Tues could have messed with that many regulars.

But why would they moderate delete posts now? They haven't ever moderated jack shiii...p on Slate. And DP's base subjects alone don't lend themselves to family friendly.

I guess there's a lesson in all this. Everything except mass swearing is considered family friendly. I suggest cannibalism, murder, random acts of violence, and mysterious acts with sheep, yet kept my posts up.

Messy, I like it! I especially like the *bad word*bad word*bad word* strings because it gets the point across so much better than (can't say that) or even (bad word x3).