It's a real problem in our culture that everyone is so darn concerned about their own feelings. Faced with this momentous revelation about their father's other family- what do these two 'adult' children do? They gripe about their own feelings! Oooo- our feelings are hurt! Ooooh- why can't our father think of our feelings! Guess what girls- this has zero and zilch to do with you two. If these two are truly 'adults'- the first thing they should do is to console their father. It must have been a horrible burden to have to live a double life for all these years. The second thiing to do is to console their mother, for similar reasons. The third thing to do is make connections with the step-brother. That would be the adult thing to do.

Griping about their own feelings is what 11 year old girls would do.

Yes, exactly! I wouldn't mind if they disapproved, felt disappointed that he didn't live up to some ideal they'd imagined--but this sense that they've been *injured* in some way is so self-centered and, well, irritating.:-)

icemilkcoffee:

If these two are truly 'adults'- the first thing they should do is to console their father. It must have been a horrible burden to have to live a double life for all these years. The second thiing to do is to console their mother, for similar reasons. The third thing to do is make connections with the step-brother. That would be the adult thing to do.

Griping about their own feelings is what 11 year old girls would do.

Why does he need "consolation" from his daughters? I feel sorry for him, but the "double life" is his own fault (first for having the affair, then for keeping it secret), and I don't think he's entitled to automatic sympathy from his family. Yes, they should forgive him and make contact with their half-brother, but the first reaction of anyone in such circumstances is hardly to hug the guy who caused the mess!

"Griping about their own feelings is what 11 year old girls would do."

Sorry. Wrong.

I was thirteen and my sister eleven when we found out about our half-sister. We recognized even then that her parentage was not of her making and that she had lived far too many years without the support and love of her entire family. We all - including my mother - welcomed her with open arms and vowed to do what we could to make up for the years that we had lost.

So, no. Even 11 year old girls are capable of putting feelings of hurt and confusion aside when they realize that someone else in the equation has been even more hurt and is probably even more confused.

The bottom line is that while the LW, her mother, her sister, and her father have been living as a nuclear family, the step-brother has been surviving on table scraps. It's past time to invite him to sit at the table with everyone else -- and maybe even let him carve the Roast Beast himself.

Now that my dad has told us, he wants everything to go back to normal. My sister has cut off communication with him; I have remained somewhat civil. But how do we explain to our father how badly this has hurt us and that we aren't going to be the same happy family we were?

Well, I don't even see that the father is asking his children to accept their half brother. He is just asking for the same relationship that he had before he told them that they have a teenage half brother.

It takes a big person to forgive another person's transgressions and it seems like these adults cannot see beyond themselves.

I completely disagree. They have no obligation to pat the dad on the back because he cheated on their mother and then kept the result from them for 10 years. It was dad's idea to "give this child table scraps" by inpregnating his mother in the first place.

If my dad did this I would say "that's nice dad" and move on. He had a second world he obviously didn't want me in until he was afraid I would discover it at the hospital. So it can stay that way. I have no obligation to get involved in any of that.

I personally would be curious about a little brother, but I wouldn't hold it against anyone if they wanted nothing at all to do with the situation or the participants of this deed.

10 years of deciet by someone you trust the most is pretty jarring.

Why does Dad get ANY compassion from his daughters? He CLEARLY was only thinking about his own feelings when all of this went down 10 years ago.

The rebuilding of trust between the LW and her father is something that they will have to work out for themselves.

The compassion that I advocate is not for the father but for the step-brother. The situation is no more his fault than it is the LW's. There is no point in making a teenage boy suffer because his very existence arises from his parents' self-centered actions and disregard for their families years ago. To treat this boy as a pariah is to say to him, every day, that a substantial number of people wish that he were never born. That's gotta be terrific for a kid's head, doesn't it?

How is not acknowleging someone the same as saying "as substantial number of people never wanted you born" ??? What????

How about - we are choosing to keep our lives separate. The way it has been for the past 10 years.

my dad kept an older brother (previous to his marriage to my mom) a secret for years and i didn't learn about him until we met at my grandmother's funeral. it's not the same situation in that there was no cheating involved, but it was an (i think) unnecessary secret that caused us to lose out on years of having a relationship. was it a bit hurtful to think that he couldn't be honest with me? sure. but it was HIS issue, not mine. what is the point of being angry about it? what purpose does it ultimately serve? i continue to love and respect my father bc i CHOOSE to. bc that's the relationship i want to have with him instead of one filled with resentment about and "wrongs" that i may or may not have felt. i would tell these two girls the same thing. the cheating wasn't on them, it was on their mother. their relationship is separate from the child parent relationship. and as human beings we have the ability to do more than just react tempermenally to everything that happens to us. we can choose how we want to live and, to a certain extent, how we want to feel. if they for some reason WANT to live with hate and resentment, fine. but i know that is not how i would wish to live...

icemilkcoffee:

It's a real problem in our culture that everyone is so darn concerned about their own feelings. Faced with this momentous revelation about their father's other family- what do these two 'adult' children do? They gripe about their own feelings! Oooo- our feelings are hurt! Ooooh- why can't our father think of our feelings! Guess what girls- this has zero and zilch to do with you two. If these two are truly 'adults'- the first thing they should do is to console their father. It must have been a horrible burden to have to live a double life for all these years. The second thiing to do is to console their mother, for similar reasons. The third thing to do is make connections with the step-brother. That would be the adult thing to do.

Griping about their own feelings is what 11 year old girls would do.

You're right, darn it. We should let other people worry about our feelings. Oh, wait - only they don't, do they? Why is the step-brother the only one here whose feelings are permissible? I grant he did nothing wrong - neither did these sisters. Why can't they elect to not associate with him, for whatever reason? Why is he the only one allowed a choice here?

AnyaFanya:

The rebuilding of trust between the LW and her father is something that they will have to work out for themselves.

The compassion that I advocate is not for the father but for the step-brother. The situation is no more his fault than it is the LW's.

It's also not the sisters' fault. Why do they have to make up for anyone else's errors, or embrace anyone they don't wish to embrace? Why are they the burden-bearers for this situation?

What you have posted here makes no sense. Of course the two sisters can do whatever they want, but the LW did ask for advise. Frankly I don't see what advise she is seeking.

If she going to be a pain in the ass towards here father (her right if that is how she wishes to act), then why even be around him. In fact the last sentence of her letter makes it clear she WISHES to be unhappy. Again, that is her right but why ask for advise. i.e. one wishes to be unhappy, go for it@

The advise I would give her is: Get over your petty feelings and just accept what is, and make the best of it, BUT, if you are unwilling to do this, than stay away from your father and your half-brother since there is no reason to make their lives unhappy.

What burden do these two sisters have? NONE. So they were not told something. BFD! They don't have any burden.

If they don't want to have anything to do with the half-bro so be it but loving someone is NOT a burden. The same with their father. All the father is asking is to be forgiven (loved). Again, how is that a burden?

You choice of the word burden implies you, like the sisters, are making this event out to be some very big deal. It really isn't.

Why do you assume the boy suffers? I would assume he could care less about people he has never meet (his half sisters). Of course his real mom and dad need to be there for him but most kids don't need a large extented family. The kid might get more than enough family from his mothers side alone.

Why do we assume the boy suffers--

I'm thinking that if his father has spent all the holidays with his nuclear family, attended the daughters' events, had Sunday dinners with them (do people still have Sundays dinners? but I digress...), then he's not spending them with his son. To me, in my fairly old-fashioned way, that seems like deprivation. If the son is welcomed into the family rather than treated like a kid's version of "the other woman," at the very least the father can split his time between the two sets of offspring, and at best the son can sometimes be a part of the bigger family if he wants.