In the grand tradition of "we gotta have a chocolate cake" and other wedding "requirements," I submit my latest conundrum to the fray.

For whatever reason, mostly living on the opposite coast I grew up on, I've been invited to a lot of cross-country weddings. I'm a young professional and though I am glad to be employed I don't exactly have lots of cash stashed away and I am saving all I can (although I don't want frugality to be an excuse.)

My latent philosophy has been this: if I don't attend the wedding I buy them a wedding present as a sort of consolation prize, and vice versa (do attend, no present). Does anyone think I'm in the wrong? I might feel differently if all the weddings were in my city and all I had to do was drive to it, but I think several hundred dollars to effect my presence at "their day" is enough. Is going to a wedding, no matter how expensive the travel, a compulsive financial pact to toss material goods at the guests of honor?

I think you present a good argument. Hopefully the brides & grooms see it the same way.

If these people whose weddings you are flying to go see care about you and not about your loot, they'd much rather forgo yet another toaster for the pleasure of having you share their joy. I see nothing wrong with your position, especially if you don't have hundreds to throw at your friends.

I can't say you're "wrong", but I don't agree with your philosophy.

I don't automatically send a gift just because I'm invited. Maybe you meant you send gifts to people whose wedding you wish you could attend, but can't?

I would not mind if someone attended my wedding but did not send me a gift. But I would not attend someone's wedding without a gift. If that means I pack a sandwich instead of eating at an airport restaurant and using the money saved to buy them a set of towels or a lower priced registry item, so be it. (But of course you wouldn't haul the gift across the country, you'd mail it ahead of time:)).

StationC:

Is going to a wedding, no matter how expensive the travel, a compulsive financial pact to toss material goods at the guests of honor?

No, but receiving an invitation to a wedding is.

I do understand and sympathize with your logic, but etiquette dictates that anyone receiving an invitation to a wedding should send a gift. It needn't be expensive, just thoughtful to the couple. Logic would also question why anyone who could afford the cost of a plane ticket (and perhaps hotel room, rental car, etc.) to attend said wedding could not also afford a gift.

Just out of curiosity, when you don't attend the wedding, do you send a gift that's commensurate with the amount you would have spent on airfare? Because I'm thinking you could get off cheaper by just not attending and sending a gift instead, if getting off cheaper is your goal.

Now, see, Mermaid, we have it on good authority that Emily Post's Etiquette merely requires a NOTE of well wish in response to a wedding invitation, not an actual gift....And that would be my response to the OP. At the very least send a note of well wishes after RSVPing to the invites. Then you can feel your etiquette duty fulfilled and attend or not and gift or not as you feel is most appropriate.

"I don't automatically send a gift just because I'm invited. Maybe you meant you send gifts to people whose wedding you wish you could attend, but can't?"

That would be a better way of saying what I meant. Since I have a fairly small group of close friends I've collected over the years (and was not in a frat, country club or other octpusian social institution) all the weddings I've been invited to are ones I would go to had I the chance.

"if getting off cheaper is your goal."

It's not exactly "getting off cheaper," it's "what is a reasonable financial effort to celebrate someone's wedding." My concern about gift etiquette is that a wedding is supposed to be about celebrating the eternal bonds of matrimony, etc etc. If I can't attend, it's the least I can do to give my close friend something for the new phase of his/her life. But if I take time off of work and spend ~$300 for a cross-country visit, and a couple is going to get upset at me for not blowing another $50 for a set of towels, then maybe I made a mistake going at all.

BUT, I wanted to ask if there's another way of looking at it, so I went to the fraysters.

Let's add another wrinkle, though: most of the weddings I am invited to are for people who have been living together already - some have already cohabitated for up to two years and some have bought houses. So the original motivation of wedding presents to outfit a new couple's house has already been done. Food for thought.

I think that your wrinkle of already living together could be an argument for doing away with presents entirely but should not be done on a case by case basis. That sort of gets into an argument on whether or not a friend 'deserves' a present and I think that would cause a lot more problems than you want to take on.

Of course, I'm ok with you just flying out and not buying a present. Packing a sandwich for the airport isn't always practical and besides I've never really agreed with the 'buy them something cheap' thing unless it is something cheap that you KNOW they'll use. Buying something cheap just to fulfill an obligation leaves the new couple with cheap junk they'll feel guilty about throwing away.

Etiquette is nice for strangers and acquaintances. Friends that you'd fly across the country for should have an entirely separate set of rules.

MLibbyDP:

Now, see, Mermaid, we have it on good authority that Emily Post's Etiquette merely requires a NOTE of well wish in response to a wedding invitation, not an actual gift....

Really? My good authority is Emily Post herself:

<link>

Please read #3. For all of you that can't pull the link, it states:

"3. Send a gift.

If you are invited to the ceremony and/or reception, you should send a gift, whether you are attending or not. Generally, gifts are sent to the bride in advance of the wedding. In some localities, gifts are brought to the reception and placed on a special table. If you hear from family that the couple would prefer a charitable donation—as in the case of an older couple or an encore wedding —please respect their wishes. If you receive an announcement after the wedding has taken place, you may send a gift if you wish, but you have no obligation to do so. It is nice to acknowledge the announcement with a card or a note expressing your best wishes."

#3 is preceded by #1, which is RSVP, and #2 which is "respect your invitation" which means don't bring anyone not specified on the invitation, random SO, random kids, etc.

I'll happily accept any evidence to the contrary, but this has always been my understanding.

StationC, I do understand where you're coming from, however the thought on this is that the wedding couple is only inviting the people closest to them (hopefully) and that those close friends will want to commemorate the occasion by giving them a gift. Wedding gifts started out as a way for the couple to furnish their home, and it has morphed into a means of "commemorating the day". It needn't be an expensive gift, nor anything from their registry, just something personal to the couple. A picture frame, a small crystal vase, anything that every time they look at it or use it, they think "StationC gave us that for our wedding..." It's for this reason that I prefer to give them something lasting, not a set of towels or any other mundane household item, even if it's on their registry.

One of my favorite gifts to give for weddings (or bridal showers) is Emily Post's Etiquette (the newest version of which has been rewritten and updated by Peggy Post.) Anyone I've ever given it to has found it very helpful.

i would also add that which part of the country you're referring to does matter. i've discussed this with my coworkers. around here (nyc/north jersey), if you attend a wedding alone (without a date), you should be giving at least a $100 present, whether that's a check, a gift card, or otherwise. personally, i just wouldn't show up if i was not able to afford that. travel costs, unfortunately, just don't factor in. the couple is spending at least that amount to feed & entertain you. not trying to be harsh, just honest.

Yeah, they've been living together and don't need anything. And nowadays, many don't even register for traditional china, etc (stuff you don't get when you are living together) - they just ask for money. So they don't really even want your stinkin' gift - they want a check!

And it is really hard to find a nice bargain gift when the dollar amount is handwritten across the middle of it.....

OK, cynical response posted....

StationC, I totally see your point. Airfare is expensive, especially if you are not "put up" by anyone and have to rent a hotel.

Packing a sandwich will not help on these expenses. It's not the airport food that's the major expense.

Though gift etiquette may vary, I totally disagree with the viewpoint that the bride & groom are spending money on you, so you have to spend money on their gift and it has to be about the same amount they spent on you! Phooey!

I have been to simple weddings with a cake and punch and extravagant ones with sit-down dinners and they have all been wonderful in their own ways. If the bride & groom decide to have an expensive reception with dinner, band, expensive decorations, that's their choice. I assume they are spending that money to make their day special, not to ensure more expensive gifts. I cannot always (rarely, in fact) afford a $150 gift for weddings.

Weddings are supposed to be a celebration for friends and families, celebrating the love and new life for the couple, not a tally sheet for gifts equaling the cost of the celebration.

If you are flying clear across the country, you want to be there to see them exchange vows, to see the smiles on their faces as they walk back down the aisle, to give them hugs and congratulate them. I would hope they would be happier to see you in person that to receive an expensive gift.

That said, here are gift options for these cross-country weddings.

1) Candles. I give candles all the time for weddings. If the couple gets candles from other people, they won't be the same ones. Even really nice ones aren't that expensive. They can be used in their new life for romantic evenings, they get used up. If the couple really doesn't like candles at all, they can regift them!

2) A gift certificate for dinner in your city. If these are good friends, give them a nice card and explain that the cost of airfare precluded you being able to afford a gift (that's optional). Give them a gift certificate for dinner, either at your house or at a favorite restaurant nearby with an invitation that they come visit you.

3) Something more than dinner: a day at a major amusement park or something equally fun and local in your city. Along with either this one or the one above, include that you will house them when they come and visit.

4) A horse drawn carriage ride. This is good only if available in the couple's city. It's a terrific way for them to celebrate, even if it's several days after their wedding and the rides are not that expensive (relatively).

Just some ideas, but again, I totally support your presence at their wedding the best gift you could give.

Mermaid, that was based off of what one poster said quite adamantly within the past month, supposedly in the 17th edition of Etiquette. :-)

"i've discussed this with my coworkers. around here (nyc/north jersey), if you attend a wedding alone (without a date), you should be giving at least a $100 present, whether that's a check, a gift card, or otherwise. personally, i just wouldn't show up if i was not able to afford that"

Now there is "means testing" to attend a wedding! Unfortunately this just adds to my image of New York City and its suburbs as shallow and materialistic (an image aided by Bridezilla, Sex and the City, and any number of sitcoms set in Manhattan.)

"travel costs, unfortunately, just don't factor in. the couple is spending at least that amount to feed & entertain you. not trying to be harsh, just honest."

I think we are seeing the wedding invitation itself in opposite directions. I thought they were asking me to join them on a special day - I didn't ask them to do me a favor and give me free food and drink for an evening. I didn't ask to be "entertained," I just wanted to see my friends get married. Then again, I am an introvert, new social situations make me hole up and big parties aren't my thing, so I spend lots of emotional energy going to weddings anyway.

To travel cross country to their wedding I feel I am matching their commitment to our friendship they have exercised by inviting me in the first place. If someone has heavy travel costs to come to my wedding/graduation/whatever I'm going to give them a lot of credit for that, more than for someone who just had to drive up the street (who can gain merit by taking the trouble to choose a gift.)

If the wedding was in my town I'd feel a lot more obliged to spend something.