Color me skeptical, but I doubt that Obama waving a fistful of UN reports and threatening Iran with (more) sanctions over the latest nuke disclosure . . . . well, I doubt this enhances our fear factor among the rest of the world. With that in mind, let me (only partially in jest) suggest my top 10 ways to claw our way back to the top of the planet earth “figure of menace” heap:
10 – Display our worst weapons to shock and awe the world. China is having a big military parade next week, featuring “upgraded missiles”. I betcha ours are better. I’m soooo tired of seeing Rooskie and Chinese guys goose stepping around. Let’s put on our own (10 hour!) military parade down Constitution Avenue. I betcha we have stuff they never even imagined. Do we still have those nuclear tipped, shoulder fired missiles? I bet we do! And how about tanks with flamethrowers? I’ve always loved those! Let's make it a Thanksgiving tradition, instead of some damn football game. "We're thankful we can destroy you 100 times and still have nukes left over"
9 – Send our criminals and mental patients to Cuba. Remember the days when Castro would do this to us? I think it would be hilarious for the world to see our rapists and murderers landing in rubber rafts on Cuban beaches. We could put Roman Polanski in the first one, even! Let Michael Moore film it - "Fidel and me"? Or how about "Commies!" . . . ?
8 – More taunting please. Our presidents (both bush and obama) are always subjected to insulting name calling (“the devil" “running dog capitalist”, that sort of thing). Turning the tables on them is a no cost, no brainer solution for us. Why can’t we call Ahmadinejad a “swine fool” and pass out faux inoculations against his diseased mind? Or Hugo Chavez “pineapple head”? No wait . . . we used that one on Manuel Noriega. Well, its still a good one. And didn’t the dictator of Italy just call Obama a darkie or something? We could start calling Berlusconi “peckerwood” to get back at him.
7 – Send our most devout “believers” forth to wreak havoc in foreign lands. Other nations have special camps where they reinforce the ridiculous chauvinism and bigotry of their religious extremists, then gear them up them as suicide bombers. I am sure (if the press is accurate) that we have some true believers here who’d volunteer for missions like this. Try recruiting at town halls and tea parties. That’s where they like to hang out, isn’t it? Or union halls?
6 – Export our asbestos, mercury, and toxic waste to uncooperative trading partners. Remember when China put asbestos in US bound baby bibs, and some sort of poison in dog food? Let’s retaliate by packing this same stuff into the Boeing airliners and DVDs we export. What – you sayChina simply makes illegal copies of our movies, and never pays royalties? Double damn them. Make our Treasury Bills radioactive then!
5 – Nationalize foreign assets to balance our budget. I think Venezuela has the right idea here. But instead of foreign oil wells (we don’t have any here) we could nationalize the Toyota and Honda factories in alabama, and distribute the “gains” to our peasants, provided they keep voting for the ruling junta. The average US worker would probably go for it because the Japanese are really cruel. Do you know they eat dogs, dolphins and live monkey brains? I saw it on a DVD (non pirated) called “faces of death”.
4 – Keep out those damn imports! At one point the Japanese would not permit US made electric razors to be sold there, because they claimed the razors "would not be effective on asian beards, which grow in a different pattern than caucasian beards”. I’m not making this up. I say let’s block asian made LCD televisions . .. I doubt that the screens look right to our Caucasian eyes, which as anybody can see are waaaaay different than oriental eyes. If this doesn’t fly, we could just ban Chinese cheap tires, and force working class americans to buy Michelins from France, of course.
3 – Be especially rude to the French. Whenever you go France they diss your accent even if you try to speak their language, and tell you how much they hate bush (and more recently obama). Well, lets retaliate. Next time you find someone speaking English with a French accent at your local WalMart, mock him and laugh in his face. I know it will more likely than not be some poor Canadian, but they have it coming too. Anyway, the word will get out that Americans won’t stand to be ridiculed while spending our dollars in France. Or remind the Frenchies that we're already bilingual - Spanish and English - and French is a dying language because nobody ever wants to go to a fast food place like "escargot bell"
2 – Leverage our NFL hooligans. If you attend a cup match (soccer, mates) in England or Germany, the first thing your hosts warn you is NEVER to speak to anyone after the game. This is because the skinheads and neo nazis and hooligans are looking for foreigners to beat up. Our NFL fans are nearly as insane. We could send them on a search and destroy mission for eurotrash during the pregame tailgate parties in the parking lots, before them furriners even think of getting away.
1 – Send forth our “living large” celebrities to offend the world. Aren’t you tired of Russian oil oligarchs and their personal yatchs bigger than the titanic? And how about that guy from India who owns all the steel mills in the world? He’s obnoxious too. I say let’s send our own rich and famous assholes out to get some international headlines. With Michael Jackson out of the picture, openings are available. Wouldn’t you rather see Kanye West jumping up on a foreign stage and dissing one a foreign awards presenter for a change? Or how about Donald Trump? He should go to England as a sort of reverse Borat, maybe, and just ask questions: Tell me . ..why are your cars and houses so pathetically tiny?”
I’m plain and simply tired of the rest of the world acting more menacing and boorish than Americans. Time to reclaim our rightful place as buffoons of the planet. Are you with me, fraysters?
