Why is she doing all of the running around with the kids, when she has their unemployed father available? Why isn't he the primary caregiver, since he's the one with the time on his hands? If he stepped up to his responsibilities, she could finally put in enough time and effort at work to get promoted, instead of pitied and insulted by her boss. She needs to call her lawyer and go back to court for an order that, as long as he is unemployed, the father should be putting his time into the kids' activities, and she can pay the child support payments, since she'll be able to.

She wants to punish the ex by keeping the kids away from him and allowing his child support debt to continue to accrue while he is unemployed so she can make his life more miserable once he does get a job again.

He wouldn't do his share of the dishes.

I'm pretty sure you're absolutely right.

blankk:

Why is she doing all of the running around with the kids, when she has their unemployed father available? Why isn't he the primary caregiver, since he's the one with the time on his hands?

If these two people were able to resolve their issues in a logical fashion, they probably wouldn't be divorced.....

blankk:

If he stepped up to his responsibilities,

You can't make someone be responsible.

For all we know her husband is an alcoholic or otherwise unfit to be a primary caregiver. Or maybe doesn't want to be the primary parent. At any rate, I don't know what that has to do with anything. All we know is what her situation is now and she seems to be handling it pretty well, except for the somewhat intrusive comments from her employer.

It is possible that LW has a bit of the "martyr" sense, in that she want to do 110% to show her ex how lowly he is, which he is, and derive some kind of pleasure from her self-sacrifice. notice how she doesn't give herself any breaks. This usually goes well with perfectionism.

you have to check the music scene while down in BR!

go to court and enforce indentured servatute! Man, I almost fell out of my seat laughing.

KA

LOL,

Odds are the father doesn't even live nearby. And if he actually is looking for a job, he doesn't have money for gas or time to run a bunch of kids all over town.

Most extracurriculars aren't free or cheap anymore. She must not be doing too badly. She probably needs to quit helicoptering the kids.

Not even by court order can you force a parent into more parental responsibility than they're willing to take on, and you certainly can't get an order forcing them to participate in their activities.

blankk:

Why is she doing all of the running around with the kids, when she has their unemployed father available? Why isn't he the primary caregiver, since he's the one with the time on his hands? If he stepped up to his responsibilities, she could finally put in enough time and effort at work to get promoted, instead of pitied and insulted by her boss. She needs to call her lawyer and go back to court for an order that, as long as he is unemployed, the father should be putting his time into the kids' activities, and she can pay the child support payments, since she'll be able to.

He might be a loser bum ... but her letter does come off very Type A. Some people need to take everything on themselves - I guess they think they only way they'll get praise from other people (why you'd need it is another issue) is to overload themselves, then brag/complain about how overloaded they are and why they couldn't possibly stop doing a single one of the countless things they're doing to make themselves so overworked.

Uhhh, because he's a deadbeat??? By definition they don't do sht. But whining about it isn't going to change that, so she should just fill her hours (the same hours we all have) with positive activities & energies (been there done that so yeah, I do know) & get over herself & just do it. Simple as that.

It's probably some of each ..... maybe a deadbeat dad, maybe they don't live near each other (my ex and I are three states apart), maybe mom's Type A. But by definition divorced parents tend to want to do too much for their kids and not say no to overcompensate their kids for being divorced. Not enough information to make those kinds of judgements. But I do agree that she could say no to a few things in order to take some time for herself. Heathy, rested parents are BETTER parents (I almost said stress-free but I don't think there is any such thing as a stress-free parent).

Most kids are overscheduled, anyway. If they have more than 2 evenings a week scheduled for activities outside the house, it's probably too much. Of course, one sport or being in band or cheerleading could take more than two, but a lot of kids have 3 or more unrelated activities each week, even during the school year.

And if their grades aren't decent, they should be limited to one night a week, preferably in an activity the siblings also are in, so Mom doesn't have to be 3 places at once.

As a divorced mother of two, I can sympathize with the LW. And how busy her schedule is. I have my kids in scouts where I am the leader. I am also a HS teacher which brings it's own set of responsibilities (ex-head advisor to the sophomore class which is assigned by the principal and not volunteered for). I have had many people tell me how they admire my ability to do so much for my kids as well as work and ask me how I am able to do so much. My response is, "What other choice do I have?" I am the main point of stability in my kids' lives. If I don't do it for them, it won't get done. I have family around, but they have their own lives and I can't just dump my kids on their doorstep to go out and fulfill my own selfish needs. My kids' dad lives two hours away and still doesn't see them more than once every couple of months at best. He's not a bad dad, it just isn't convienent for him. I don't make excuses for him or put him down to my kids. He's their dad and they love him. And we get along very well. I accept his limitations and am glad that he is in my kids' lives at all. A fair-weather dad with good intentions is certainly better than no dad at all. Maybe this dad is similar. Maybe he's just a dead-beat dad. With 3 kids each doing one or two activities, that is a great deal of time for the LW to have to put out each week. But it is worth it for the kids if they are participating in things that they are really passionate about/good at. You can't hold a kid back just because you're tired at night. That isn't fair to the kids. It isn't a childhood I would want for my kids and I'm sure the LW doesn't want that for her's, either.

Her keeping the kids doesn't necessarily mean she's trying to "rack up" the child support he owes to help support the very children he helped to bring into this world. It is a good guess that he wanted at least some, if not all, of the kids they had while married and he should help her to financially support them. Them staying with the LW may very well be the safest and most stable homelife for them. The crux of the matter is, we don't know what the full situation is with these people. The LW wanted to know how to get her boss to stop giving her backhanded insults and move on with life, end of story. The next time he comments on his miserable, sh**-bag life, she should just tell him she does it, end of story, discussion closed. As long as her kids are happy, healthy and well-adjusted and she is good with how she is living her life, then he needs to drop the subject and find a new way to get up every day of his miserable, stinking life. That or end it all and save the rest of us from his personal pity party.

Bekkah-angel, I also am a teacher, and I sincerely hope you won't go raving mad at this, but I must speak out because this is elementary school material:

ITS with NO apostrophe is the possessive "its" while IT'S with apostrophe is the contraction for 'it is.' Also--"her's"? Please, Bekkah, dear. NO apostrophe in "hers"--got that? Thank you. I'm sure you're a good teacher, and you've certainly got more chutzpah than I do if you're teaching high school!

And now, I'm taking my pneumonia back to bed for more of that bedrest the doctors ordered today-- if I've offended anyone, sorry, blame the fever! When it gets over 101, it writes weird things on the fray.