I've been pulling out my hair but this describes my daughter to a T. I just wish you would address what to do when your child is practicing an inappropriate behavior. My 5 year old hits us and has tried to bite us when she's angry. You can't praise her all the other times for "not hitting," she comes after us and time outs (time in her room) only enrage her more. Do I need to seek professional help? It's so frustrating and she doesn't act out in school, at camp, at activities, she's a really well-behaved child for everyone else.

We are going through similar issues, though sans the hitting. When time out is over, I tell her she can come out only after she has stopped her temper tantrum.

Also, I don't care what the "experts" on Slate say, spanking should always be an option.

And, yes, you may want to receive professional counseling. Our child's problems were initially limited to the immediate family, but she was recently kicked out of Sunday School.

What worked with the Cool Niece (she's 2 1/2) was ignoring the tantrum. Walk away and let her scream. Pretend she isn't there, there is no noise, and you are going about your business. It's hard to do that - you'd like to toss her in her room or give her what she wants - but that just means the the behavior is reinforced. If getting Mommy's attention consists of tossing her into her bedroom, then she wins. She has met her goal.

Periodically she'll try the tantrum thing - you can see her calculating if it's worthwhile to do it. She's doing it less and less though, what she gets out of it is...nothing at all. No benefit, no behavior.

You could also make sure that being sent to her room is NOT a fun thing. This means that there should be nothing in there to entertain her. No radio, stereo, television, computer, phone (I know she's a little young for some of that stuff), toys (put the box in the hall for awhile), NOTHING that will help her while away her time except maybe a stack of books.

My mother (infamously) would supply the kid being punished with the vacuum cleaner, Windex, and paper towels with the admonition, "You know what to do."

If getting sent to her room means she'll be spending time bored out of her mind, she'll give up the tantrums.

What my daughter often wants most is to push my wife's buttons through deliberately annoying and disobediant behavior. Sending her to her room, and thus depriving her of access enrages her and precipitates tantrums. She's certainly in no mood to play during time outs.

I'd say your wife needs to stop having pushable buttons. Of course, that's a whole lot easier to say than do! I would think this is a stop nagging, start saying whatever it is once and immediately issuing the consequence, situation. But again, it's easy to say and tough to do. I'd say Messy's right on ignoring the tantrums, esp in your situation. If the tantrum doesn't upset/anger/annoy your wife, there's no benefit in it.

Maybe a family counselor can help with strategies?

Yes but what do you do when they are assaulting you?

Tiggerhorns wrote

"Yes but what do you do when they are assaulting you?"

This happened to me only once, raising two children for 18 years. It was a few days after the second child was born, a very stressful time for all. I happened to be with a repair guy. Child #1 wanted to go into the bedroom and bother mom who was exhausted and sleeping. She was kicking and carrying on, trying to get past me into the room. Here is how I responded: I said no, repeatedly, in a calm voice. I physically held her off; blocked her way, but let her go anywhere else. Whenever she headed back to door, I just said "no, sorry sweety-pie, not now." This went on for a good 10 minutes. The repairman finally said "I have never seen a dad so so patient in my life." It was one of the finest complements I have ever enjoyed.

That's it. Just impose your will, keep calm and don't do anything more than you need to do to prevent the behavior. Spanking or threats would be a disastrous response! Why raise your voice when you are strong enough to physically stop a 3-year-old? Never make a big issue about something that does not matter. Waking up a sleeping woman who has just given birth matters a lot! Not eating your beans or putting on your coat is trivial. Let the kid get cold and she will learn to put on coats.

Always remember that kids are as smart as you, as aware and complicated as you, and you should obey the golden rule for them as much (or more) than anyone else. Never do or say anything to a child that you would not want someone to say to you.

And honestly, what is there to get upset about when you are attacked? Getting kicked or bitten is unnerving but it should not provoke anger in an adult. Concern, yes, obviously. It would worry me if it happened more than once or twice. But before you get upset, please remember that you are not a 3-year-old.

My kids turned out perfect, by the way. I may not be perfect, but they are. At least in my opinion.

There may be a clue in the fact that she doesn't act out against other authorities.

Could it be that the way you're approaching her is producing this reaction?

It may be frustration. Do you always try to say the right thing in a calm and confident voice? It's possible she's trying to get a real human reaction. Other authorities may be simpler to respond to and easier to forget about when the requirement is gotten out of the way.

Then again, I could be completely wrong. Ignorance allows many speculations.

First of all - points of clarification

-My daughter is 5 not 3

-She is more aggressive now than when she was 2 or 3, its part of her 5 year old defiance stage, getting worse over past 6 months but has been a problem before then

-She is very large for 5 (think size of 8) and I'm very small (5 feet tall), although still stronger.

Since this has been an ongoing problem we have tried all manner of responses. I used to be pretty good at staying calm and I still try very hard. I didn't think spanking was a good response but I will admit we tried it.

She reacts in blind rage but also out of some belief that she is in control. The few people that have seen her tantrums are blown away but honestly she is so well behaved most of the time that I have a very hard time getting other people to take me seriously. Her teachers, pediatrician, and most of her friends parents think she is one of the most polite, well behaved children they have ever met.

Since she just started kindergarten I see some of the digging in (from the article) in terms of getting out of the house in the morning. The rage fits stem from when she wants something and we won't give it to her.

Well, I am sorry to sound like Dear Abby but I would recommend you go to a professional child psychologist at this stage. That sounds serious. This problem might go away on its own with time and maturity . . . My guess is that it probably will. But it sounds like you and the child are suffering, so why wait for nature to take its course?

As you see, the authors of this article, Kazdin and Rotella, are sensible, low-key people who would not suggest an extreme solution such as drugging the child. You should find someone like that. Perhaps you should ask them for a referral.

This a very good article, by the way. My complements to Drs. K & R.

Five years old is way too old to be having these kinds of tantrums. Has she always been violent when upset? Or is this a new behavior? You can definitely try professional help, but there are a couple of things you should try first:

1) If your child is still enraged after a time out, then you are not administering time-outs correctly. Time-outs should be one minute per age, so at five years, her time-outs should last five minutes. Time-out needs to be in the same place. It needs to be a small place, like a chair, stool, specific corner. If you just send her to her room, there are too many things for her to play with, break in a fit, etc.

The next time she hits, bites, kicks, or is violent in anyway, don't get upset. Use your best supernanny voice (not the accent, but calm and stern) and say, "That is inappropriate. Hitting is not okay and you need to go to time-out." If she won't walk by herself (which she probably won't at first), pick her up and carry her there. Do not say anything to her as you carry her to the time-out area. She might also hit or bite when you are carrying her, go ahead and ignore that. You're already taking her to time-out. The key is to not get upset yourself. At the end of the 5 minutes, while she is still in the chair/stool/corner, ask her, "Why were you sent to time-out?" IF she is still enraged, hits or gets violent, or refuses to answer or answers "Because you're mean", then say (in your calm supernanny voice), "This behavior is still inappropriate. You need to stay in time-out until you can act appropriately." This time, wait only two minutes, and ask her again, "Why were you sent to time-out?" Do not let her leave time-out until she is calm and can tell you what she did wrong. At that point, you can have a mini-discussion (remember, she's five, it should only last five minutes) about why hitting is wrong, what she can do to show her anger appropriately, she can apologize, and you make it clear that you are upset with her behavior but that you love her. It may take all day. I helped a friend through a similar situation one Saturday and it literally took three hours to get her son to calm down. But if you don't do the work now, it will get progressively worse and as she will continue to get bigger, one day she may actually cause you physical damage. You might want to ask a friend or family member to give you back up and remind you that you are doing the right thing. You need positive reinforcement as much as your child does.

The key things to remember are to (1) Stay calm, (2) BE FIRM- Do not give in because it's taking a long time or she appears to be getting more upset. She needs to stay in time-out until she is calm. PERIOD. END OF DISCUSSION., (3) Repetition and Consistency- use the same words "This is inappropriate" or something to that effect, go through the same exact steps to get out of time-out, do it every single time she gets violent, no excuses. I don't care how tired you are, how late it is, whatever. Again, if you don't stop this now, it will get worse.

2) If she really is polite and well-behaved for everyone else, you might want to talk to her teacher to ask for advice. You might also think about keeping a journal. Keep track of what she eats, how she sleeps, who she comes in contact with, and what her behavior is. Check for patterns. If she always throws a fit on days when she eats bananas, you might want to stop feeding her bananas. If she gets upset every day after she spends time with a particular child or neighbor, you should limit her exposure to that person. Basically see if there is anything in her environment that is setting her off and then change her environment.

3) If this is a new behavior, then you definitely need to take a look at what has changed that has caused this. Kids acting out can be a symptom of abuse. If there is a kid at school who is bullying her, she might be acting out at home because she can't defend herself against the bully. If there is a new adult in her life, I'd take a close look at that relationship. (I'm not saying your child is being abused. I'm just saying that radical change in behavior can be a sign and if this is new behavior, you need to figure out what is causing it.)

4) You might also want to talk to your child when she is calm about her aggressive behavior. Talk to her about why it's not okay to hit, what she should do when she is angry, how much it hurts you when she attacks you, etc. Maybe she needs to join a sport like soccer where she can channel some of her more aggressive tendencies in a positive way.

5) You might think about telling her that from now on, whenever she gets violent, not only will she go to time-out, but you will also take away one of her toys. Then do that. Don't use it as an idle threat. Go through with it. The next time she hits you, do the whole time-out thing and take away one of her toys. Keep it locked up where she can't get to it for at least a week.

Good Luck.

You need to respond to a chld who is pushing your buttons by pushing theirs. As a parent who had a child who bit when he was little we stopped it but your child is older. She can understand cause and effect. What you do is to tell your little girl, that whatever she likes to do, I don't care if it is reading TV, visits with her friends, trips shopping, in short any planned activity that she enjoys is over or off the schedule on any day a tantrum occurs. Make sure she knows in advance that anything planned will be cancelled immediately and not rescheduled or allowed for at least 24 hours the moment a tantrum occurs. If the tantrum occurs at night, the entire next days activities are gone. One reason why people find this difficult is that often parents are working with set schedules and the kid "has to go to pre school" or the parents invested money and scheduling time already in the activity so they are loathe to cancel it and the very short term consequences of a time out are not enough to get the child's attention. If you do this firmly and consistantly, the tantrums and the biting will be gone in 3 months. I suspect that where you are failing with the time outs is that you are so anxious to get back to everyone having fun that you do not allow either the time out or the post tantrum consequences to last long enough to make an impression. I once totally cancelled a birthday party two days before the party and had to call all the parents to get one of my child under control. By the way, this child was pretty much impervious to pain so spanking didn't work on her either. Isabel.

You say the rage fits come when she wants something and you won't give it to her. Is it a particular thing, or class of things, that she is wanting when these things happen?

Jedd,

I agree with your method. As a former pediatric nurse who saw first hand this type of behavior turn in to a near death of a child who took temper tantrums eventually to the point of holding his breath and teenagers near suicide, I can tell you that dealing with it the way you describe is far better than the disassociated method described by the psychiatrist writing this article. Children who have a new baby sibling in the house are hurt and jealous and try to compete for mothers attention. It is good that you did not leave a lasting memory of abuse on the mind of your elder child.

I also do not agree with ignoring the child, acting like you do not care whether the child does something that is good for them or not, and particularly punishing them without knowing FIRST why they are behaving the way they are, which means asking them. Talking to them in a conversation is the most important part. It is called communication and is what is lacking along with love instead of deadpan indifference and ignoring them.

There were other parts of the article which I also disagreed with such as the clear gender references of her and she with no male figure or male child in the article, a subtle reference to gender related emotional behavior which is a fundamental and not a wrong difference between little girls and little boys for the most part.

It bothers me that the President of the APA, who would have been right in the center of the controversy about the ethics reports concerning torture and fully aware of brain studies and social engineering does not mention the distinct possibility of remote access and forced reflection technologies designed to aid in the sales of drugs on the rise in children. There is nothing worse than mind control abuse followed by real abuse from the ones you love. The MKUltra program records of these brain and behavioral studies on children were destroyed, but it is clear that not many of them turned out to be perfect.

All children have memories and multitasking is part of human nature. Teaching a linear thinking which is an Eastern philosophy will not be good for the next generation of smart adults needing to compete in an augmented cognition, brain interfaced World.