Good - er, rather "excessive" - grief Prudie!

Counselling two brothers to air out the fact that there was insufficient display of grief following the miscarriage of a 12 week pregnancy is ridiculous. Whatever happened to the "16 week" rule; i.e., don't announce the pregnancy until then? Making babies is a difficult task, and nature often makes mistakes, which it corrects with early miscarriages. Hence the "16 week" rule.

A first trimester miscarriage is certainly a sad event, but it should be viewed from the perspective that "nature knows best." My partner and I suffered three first trimester miscarriages, including one after we had announced (too soon), and after we had seen the first ultrasound...with the tiny beating heart. Our close relatives were very kind and supportive - I recall a quiet afternoon over a cup of tea - and one or two subdued phone calls, but "grief" does not come close to an accurate description of our, or our relations' response.

We now have three happy, healthy, rascally children and are grateful for it.

Contrast our experience, and the experience of your correspondent with a couple we know who twice lost a baby in the range of 40 weeks. Now that was a grief situation.

Your correspondent and her husband should grow backbones? They're going to need them when life throws them something truly worth grieving over.

I was thinking the same thing. I have had several early term miscarriages and it was no big deal. Things happen and three months is not enough tie to adjust to the hormal ramp much less be emotionally invested into the process yet imo. It is when I miscarried at 8 months I grieved. More so because where we lived we were required by law to bury the non-infant which was rather insulting to us based on our belief system. Before anyone goes off on a flaming campaign, Judaism (Halacha) does not recognise a child until AFTER successful birth. This is why the mother’s life takes precedence in abortion issues.

I think this is a very cavalier attitude. Serious grief and feelings of loss are extremely common. I had a miscarriage before I had my first child and it was extremely difficult, sad time for us. To say it was nothing seems harsh. I guess that comes from the frequency of abortions, etc. But many, many people do believe that life begins at conception. I will agree that it is often for the best, as many times it occurs because of problems with the baby. Medically it is often called a "spontaneous abortion." But people that go through that still grieve.

I think it is a matter of cultural upbringing. I really didn't even consider thinking about being pregnant until the second trimester for the very reason that so many pregnancies are not viable. The ironic thing is for those who oppose abotion based on religious principles fail to condemn their deity for being the biggest abortionist.

Marcus did say it was a very sad event. And although it is sad, it is not uncommon to miscarry so early in the pregnancy. Although I have experienced it and understand how you feel, I can't help but feel it would be worse at 40 weeks, or to have a stillborn. Regardless, it's private and I wouldn't expect my husbands brother to call to discuss it with us.

Many women who have miscarried never even know it! Regardless of religious or personal beliefs, this LW is just wanting everyone to recognize how terrible her life is. Woe is her!

Okay, it's sad -sadder for some than others - to lose the potential of an unchild you wanted. However, her issue is not that the brother didn't feel the appropriate emtion; it's that he didn't express it in the way she wanted him to.

It's a non-issue. She's letting something silly bother her, and keeping score on who is letting her control their behavior and who is not. After all, is she grieving the ended pregnancy, or the brother's lack of mumbling the appropriate (to her) words?

It sounds like the LW and her husband are focusing on the brother's supposed lack of emotion to keep from examining their own true feelings.

To me that is a fairly recognizable response, as my middle sister does it al the time. Rather than admit she is feeling bad because she has something SHE needs to work on, it is always someone else's fault for not 'being there' for her. For my moma, it is hard to listen for 20 minutes about what the problem is and not offer a solution. So my moma is always being 'selfish' and not 'caring about the pain I am going through.' Because it is easier to blame than get through the pain.

The LW needs to look at why she is so worried about how she gets treated during this tough time. Maybe she is enjoying the attention a bit too much? I don't think that is the case, but I did wonder...

I always wonder about people who share their grief publicly.

I am a 39 year old male with reasonable social/communication skills and I wouldn't have the slightest idea what to say or do about a friend/family member having a miscarriage.

Sounds like this lady needs to start accentuating the positive.

"Sounds like this lady needs to start accentuating the positive."

Exactly. The loss is not an excuse to become petty. Unless she was one of those pregzillas who wants all attention focused on her because she managed to concieve.

I have a friend whose daughter was that way now because the attention is focused on the baby she wants to give it up for adoption. Yes she is an unwed mother but in her late twenties. Total nutcase but the friend is a really nice guy.

I also had a miscarriage at about 4 months, after giving birth to two healthy children. I was rough, but not the end of the world, and to tell the truth I did not expect, nor want a bunch of people swarming all over me with their sympathy. Not that I did not appreciate the "I'm so sorry" that I got from many people, but I had two young children who WERE there and they needed explanation, attention, and care from us.

Everybody is going to respond to a miscarriage in a different way, and I have no doubt that couples respond very differently. However, most men, unless they are in the very thick of it, have no idea how to express condolences, or even if they should.

The LW should not be angry because some people are inarticulate about their feelings. The LW knows that the man felt their pain. That is enough. Keeping score at a time like this is tacky. Unless the LW thinks that the man is holding back and it will make things awkward in the future, everybody should just get on with their lives.

WOW, that's really harsh! I've had seven early miscarriages and I experienced serious, devastating grief, especially over the second one. (After that, I guess I was a bit hardened.)

One of the things that's hard about losing an early pregnancy is that peole dismiss it as no big deal, or assure you it's "nature's way"--and sometimes it ISN'T-- or, worse yet BLAME YOU for having announced it! (The idea seems to be that you've inconvenienced everyone with your inconsequential bad news.)

People are different I guess. When my cat died, I was sad, but I didn't shed any tears. A coworker of mine however felt it necessary to take two full days off work.

Also, I've never heard of the 16 week rule. I thought 12 or 14 weeks was typical annoucement time. I'm currently expecting my thrid kid and by 16 weeks casual aquaintances were asking me when I'm due, so it would've been a little late to announce to family.

The abrupt hormonal shift had nothing to with your grief did it? Seriously. I think if you are going to bother spreading your legs to get preggers you should do your due diligence and research a little on the consequences and how it will affect your personality and body. I don't suppose "William’s Obstetrics and Gynecology" is regular reading matieral for you but there are even wiki resources. It seems like so many women are completely ignorant about the pregnancy process and use that as an excuse to become complete and total bitches. I certainly did not "announce" that I was pregnant until I was well into the second trimester. But then I didn't show until the last minute.

Try losing a child that you've invested years of emotional attachment to. I would take a 12-week miscarriage any day. When it happened to me, I was shocked at the number of people who could not acknowledge it. Some of my "friends" came to the funeral and I never heard from them afterwards. I do not hold it against them; I understand they had no idea how to approach me afterwards. But it is shocking that people can be so uncomfortable that they would rather disappear from your life, handing you another loss, than overcome their discomfort by saying something like, "I'm so sorry, I can't imagine what you must be going through. If you would like to talk about it, or need anything, let me know." If the brother is still speaking to them, they are lucky.

Thing is, everyone experiences each emotional event differently. It's not for me to say how a person who has had a miscarriage should feel, any more than I would want to hear from anyone on the planet how I should feel about the death of my son. It is, however, a good idea to offer a reality check when someone uses the loss of an unborn child to pass judgment on the living.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm not sure how we ever survive this.