It's been awhile. There have been renovations, renovation fuckups, vet visits, big and small messes, and what can I say? Life happens. Thankfully, the renovations are (Thank God) done as of TODAY! Woo Hoo! finally. Now I have four days to obsessively clean every surface in my house before my in-laws get here next Wednesday....
I know, at my age, I shouldn't be concerned about them, and they're terrific people who I love dearly. Quite frankly, my mother-in-law intimidates me. I have never met a more organized human being. I don't think there IS a more organized person on this planet than her. She vacuums EVERY DAY. Seriously. I've seen her put together a spontaneous dinner for a dozen people in under two hours. And it's always wonderful. Me, I plan a week in advance, make three shopping trips and STILL have to make last-minute changes. See what I mean?
Sigh. In any case, we're giving them our bedroom for the duration, and the master bath is the one that's being re-done, and if it weren't finished that would leave us with only one shower, and it's August in Chicago, so there would be four smelly people in the house, and I'm just SO happy that it'll be finished in time.....
On to the letters. First, a musical interlude that sums up my feelings on them completely....
<link>
Ahem.
1. So, like, my boyfriend and me? We're, like, dating? And I wanna have sex? So I rented a house that I'm going to fill with people? But then I went out with a friend? And she was, like, "He totally bought you a present!" And I was all like, "No way!" So she goes, "Yeah totally, a bracelet!" So if we have like, "fun", after, does that make me a, like, slut?
SHADDAP!
Oh. Wait a minute. You say you're in your thirties....
SHADDAP AGAIN!
Have you figured out just how dumb your question sounds yet? For a minute there I thought you were talking about your junior prom, not a birthday in your THIRTIES! Yeesh.
So what...are you a virgin? No judgment, just wondering. If you are, can you think of a WORSE setting to "give it up" (since you're so fond of euphemisms) than in a house full of drunken revelers? Seriously - how were you planning on concentrating, or are you hoping you won't notice if it hurts because it's too noisy to hear yourself think?
If you're not...then you should be past the ridiculous setup. Or are you? Oh, I bet you have it all planned, right? Candles, wine, a completely zipless experience. I can see it all now! It was going to be perfect, just like those romance novels you have stacked seven feet high beside your bed. You know. Because THAT happens every day. Again, yeesh.
All right. You asked a stupid question, so here's a serious answer. This weekend, BEFORE the birthday jaunt, invite your boyfriend over for dinner. At one point in the proceedings, say something like, "Sweetie, next week is going to be pandemonium (you may have to look it up, but it might impress him), so why don't we have a little alone time now?"
Then start disrobing. If he doesn't catch the hint, he's an idiot, in which case aren't you glad you found out before you popped for the rent on the house?
(You know that most couples take a little time to get used to each other before the sex gets really wonderful, right?)
2. For a second there, I thought this was a serious question. Really. I thought that here we have a serious dilemma from someone who's in a serious quandary about a serious situation. Then I read the rest of the letter. Now all I have to say is
SHADDAP!
Have you considered your situation at all? First you say, "...my family lost our house because of money problems." then you go on to say, "We moved in with my grandparents and never left."
Let's think about this. You're fresh out of college, working your first real job. I'm guessing your boyfriend (who HAS to be in love with you to go along with this crack-brained scheme) is about the same age you are. this being the case, you have had what, three paychecks so far? Have you tried to get a mortgage? Do you even have fifty cents for a down payment? Or were you going to go to your grandmother for that money?
Reading the house-buying plan alone I have to conclude that the "money problems" that cost your parents their house are genetic! You don't take out a massive mortgage based on a job that you haven't even had for a year yet! That's even IF someone is willing to lend you the money in the first place because as a risk, you suck. You have no track record. Your mother is no good as a reference. It sounds like your stepfather is no better.
Moving on....
Why are you so hot to have your mother and stepfather move in with you? How is it "morally right" for you to step in and support two (apparently able-bodied) adults who you KNOW are never going to contribute to your household in a substantial way? Or did you not want to have a life?
Whose idea was this, really? Was it your grandparents who finally decided that their freeloading daughter has to get a job and quit sucking up their retirement money? Was it your mother, who sees any kid with a job as a meal ticket? Or was it your stepfather AND your mother, who realized that your grandparents are getting older and don't want to take care of them because that might mean putting in some effort into life?
How is it "morally right" to give up your future to two people who never bothered to take care of their own? These are adults. They fucked up their lives. They fucked up their own chance to take care of themselves, because your grandparents enabled them in refusing to grow up and by extension, dumped the burden of taking care of these "helpless" idiots onto YOU.
See, your family got it all wrong, right at the beginning. Your parents may have lost their house, but after that, they gave up all the responsibility for their own lives. They set a shitty example for you, and they've manage to convince you that you're responsible for their fucked up situation. They let your grandmother take care of you and whatever siblings you have. They abdicated their roles as parents and now are trying to force YOU to be THEIR parent. You aren't supposed to be doing that. You're the kid. They're the ones that are supposed to be helping YOU.
They have had it pretty easy, haven't they? They don't pay rent, they didn't have to send you to college, they didn't even have to bother raising you, because the only people in your family that AREN'T freeloading losers are you grandparents and now you. They've even managed to convince you that they're so fucking helpless that YOU have to take care of them for the rest of their lives! It's a good gig if you can get it, I guess.
Even if you really want to take care of them, now is not the time. It's going to be several years before you're solvent enough to take on a mortgage and a couple of dependent adult children. You and your boyfriend aren't even married yet! You don't even have your OWN life in order, how can you take care of anyone else's?
Wait. Tell them five years is what it's going to take. See what they say then. Remember that while your friends don't have the full skinny on what your family is like, if ALL of them are telling you that your plan isn't fully cooked, then probably they're right.
3. Waaah, Daddy screwed around! Waaaaaah, Mommy took him back! Waaaaaaaah, the slut is in my office!
SHADDAP!
So the hell what? Did you think your Dad's former fuckpuppet was supposed to live in a cave for the rest of her life on the off chance she might run into a member of your family one day in the randomly distant future? What was she supposed to do anyway?
Time for a reality check.
a. Your father CHOSE to fuck around. That's right, kid. That fly didn't open itself, and that dick had to be aimed by someone. Deal. It's not like it was any of your business then or now.
b. Your mother CHOSE to take him back. Again, that's right, kid. She could easily have kicked him out, but she decided to save her marriage, so that YOU could grow up in an intact home with parents that love each other. And they DO love each other. If they didn't, the instant you moved out of the house it would have been a case of, "Sayonara baby, see ya around."
c. No matter how many people bitch and squawk about it, they are NOT part of the relationship between their parents. They were together before you were around, and they are still together now that you're gone. They are your parents, but that is separate from their relationship to each other.
d. You don't have to LIKE any of this. It's the simple truth. Suck it up. This is none of your business. You don't live with them. They live with each other. They're happy, according to what you said. If they've found a way to do that, then pat them on the back and move on. They already have.
Wouldn't you feel like an idiot if you found out that this woman (who probably didn't know your father was married and may well have broken up with him AFTER she found out he was married) didn't even remember your father's name after all these years? That would be a kick in the pants, wouldn't it?
Here's what you need to do. Hide in your cubicle. Tell your boss that you can't do the parts of your job that require talking to this woman because she's a slut. Burst into tears and blubber out the whole story in front of the whole office. Then, when you get fired for being a crybaby-whiner-asshole-jerk who has no self control, go to work in the janitorial or food service industries, where there will be plenty of people to whine to because they did what you did.
Then tell your parents what you did on their behalf. I'm sure they'll be thrilled to find out that you fucked up your life over something that isn't even worth worrying about, and wasn't any of your concern to start with.
4. Broken glasses. Spilled milk. What's the dif?
SHADDAP!
Who doesn't know how many people are coming to a party? How is that rocket science? Gee, 20 people are coming over, I guess I need at least 40 glasses, and I don't have enough. So I'd better get enough......
Now is that so hard? You can rent glassware from any catering company. It's not glamorous, but it's functional and nicer than plastic cups. They bring the glasses over in dishwashing racks. You use them. After the party, you rinse them and put them back in the racks. You don't even have to wash them - that's what you pay the catering company for.
It's cheap. Really cheap. A whole hell of a lot cheaper than getting into a fight with a friend over some overpriced glassware from South America that was made from silica gathered by maidens from a beach that overlooks a mountain and can only be reached by a canoe powered by flying fish who have to be bribed with the blood of tiny children before it can be blown into glasses by robed and hooded gnomes who hand polish each one and send it through a dimensional portal to Hell itself to have the designs etched on by the damned spirits of Renaissance artists who found out the hard way that it was the Jehovah's Witnesses who had it right all along and everyone else is going to Hell before each set is packed in the chopped off ponytails of virgin cheerleaders and individually hand carried by winged monkeys to a warehouse in China, from whence it's shipped to Mexico City on an open tramp freighter to be sold in hotel gift shops.
Did your girlfriend even ask for advice, or did you just stick your nose into an argument that you should have left alone?
Ok. Some rules.
a. Never borrow anything expensive from anyone.
b. Never lend anything expensive to anyone.
c. If you MUST lend something expensive to someone, you are not allowed to whine if something happens to it. See b.
d. If you DO break something expensive, then you are REQUIRED to replace it and suck up the cost. See a.
In a world full of classy people, which seemingly does not include you, your girlfriend or her friend, then the breakage should have been followed by profuse apologies, which are to be waved off with a jaunty que sera sera.
Since you don't live in a universe of classy people, then the only thing your girlfriend can do is buy a set of nice glasses, give it to the whiner and NEVER invite that person to a party again.
Oh, and rent some fucking glassware next time.
