I lost my baby 8 months ago. He was stillborn. Everyone in my life seems to think I should be over it by now. They change the subject if I speak of him or my loss. They become desparately uncomfortable if I cry. While losing a baby is less expected than a mother'd death, that doesn't mean that the woman's grief for her mother's loss is inappropriate. Grief is so misunderstood in this society. There's not a standard timeline and just because someone else is uncomfortable, doesn't mean that the griever is in desparate need of therapy. Grief counseling has even been shown to be ineffective unless there is an accute symptom (like being suicidal) that the person is attempting to deal with. Sorry, Prudie, but I think your advice was completely wrong on this one. The letter's author should try to find some empathy for her mother and provide an ear to her mother when she needs to talk about her grief. Or she at least should hope to never experience grief herself because it is heartwrenching.

In our culture, stillbirth and neonatal death were a regular part of life just as loss of an older parent continues to be up until this last century. In many developing nations, it still is. In those cultures with high ante- and neonatal mortality, women return to their responsibilities within days and sometimes within hours of the death of their child. Prolonged mourning and grieving is a luxury.

It's all relative. To much of the world crying openly a month after the death of a parent would be highly abnormal and since we're programmed to find abnormal behavior abhorrent to some extent it would probably illicit some disgust. So though your right that there isn't an absolute timeline I do think that there is a relative timeline for what constitutes normal expression of grief.

Yes, but..... do you burst into tears in the line at the grocery store? How about the bank? Do you tell every bank teller you meet about what happened? No?

This is the problem with the mother in the letter. Grieving is one thing, public histrionics are another. She's behaving completely inappropriately. No doubt she IS still grieving, but I would hazard a guess that she also likes the attention and sympathy she's getting when she behaves this way. It's also possible that her daughter is not giving her the attention she wants, so her turning on the waterworks in public is a way to let her daughter know that.

Prudie's advice was good. The daughter's feelings are as important as the mother's. Whether the mother is sincere or merely bucking for attention, she is upsetting her own child. Limiting contact may be the only thing that keeps her daughter from separating altogether.

(Oh, and let the record show that I HAVE lost many people. I do know what grief is. No, I'm not interested in hearing how much harder you have it than the rest of us. Yes, I DO know people who make a show of their grief because they're sympathy junkies. Yes, it IS possible that the mother in the letter is doing just that. No, it's NOT NORMAL for these fits to continue in public a year after the event.)

with you 100%

is this related to the strangers i randomly meet, who immediately after saying "hello" gush about their cancer, death in their family, cats run over, dogs eaten by aliens, all with excruciating gory details?

It's okay to grieve for a long time. It's not okay to involve innocent strangers in your grief when they have done nothing to invite themselves into it -- like the mother of the LW who got checkout cashiers involved. It's also not okay to insist that other member's in the deceased's circle grieve as deeply as you are.

I am sorry to hear of your loss, but I have to wonder why you are crying in front of other people after 8 months. Whatever happened to going to a room to be by yourself when you want to cry?

I'd also question the assertion that grief counselling is ineffective unless the bereaved is suicidal. I went for counselling when my father died when I was 13, and the counselling was excellent and very helpful. It all depends on how you're grieving and what kind of counsellor you get.

Therapy isn't so bad, you know.

I'm so sorry you lost your son. I'm also sorry the people in your life pull away when confronted with your grief. So often, it's the reaction, or lack of reaction, from the people around us that can compound our grief. It's nobody's fault, it's just such a scary thing for people to face. I hope you are reaching out to others who have experienced the same loss, either online or in local support groups, so that you have an outlet for your grief. It is so painful to feel shredded inside from grief and then to have to worry about how you "appear" to others.

And don't listen to anyone who didn't even have the empathy to offer you condolences before berating your opinion of the letter writer.

gadgetgirl02:

I am sorry to hear of your loss, but I have to wonder why you are crying in front of other people after 8 months. Whatever happened to going to a room to be by yourself when you want to cry?

Why shouldn't she cry in front of other people? And dilletante didn't say she was crying in front of strangers, she cries in front of the people who are in her life. If you lost a child during birth, and your friends and family told you to go into another room to cry (because it's been 8 whole months!) I'd tell you to get new friends and family.

How long did it take you after your father died to stop crying? 3 months? 5? 6? 8? Did your friends and family force you to leave the room when you became upset? Did you cry on the one year anniversary? Did you make sure not to let anyone see you if you did?

I'm not buying it. Yes, going to the hospital and delivering a dead baby is traumatic. Yes, most people respond to that trauma inadequately. That said, if you're still crying openly 8 months after the fact then there is something wrong. The behavior is abnormal. At best it's untreated depression and at worst it's emotional malingering.

Frankly, responding with anything more than cursory acknowledgement as gadgetgirl did, enables continuation of the abnormal behavior.

People die. Babies die (1 in 200 are stillborn). Those who are left behind honor the dead by making the conscious decision to move forward towards a happy and productive life.

Didounder, You are one cold person. People grieve differently. When I go into a Harbor Freight, I think of my father, dead now for a decade. Sometimes I cry. I cry every time I get Mother's Day and Father's Day cards, remembering those for whom I no longer need to get cards. My grief comes in waves, and without warning sometimes. I am not ashamed of crying, and when I talk with strangers about it, we have a moment to connect and remember those who both of us have lost.

I would be inclined to get my mother checked out as well, but I choose to not stand in judgment of others' grieving. There is no "right" way to grieve.

Dilettante, I wish I had the words to help you with your tremendous loss. Please disregard people who are unsupportive and judge your grief. Your son was, and your love for him is and always will be. If others have difficulty dealing with you speaking of your beloved son, well, perhaps you need some new friends. There are support groups that might be helpful, as they will all understand exactly what you are going through. Perhaps taking a family member who is uncomfortable with your grief to a support group might give them some better perspective.

It's NORMAL. Many, many women have it. You were pregnant. Your hormones were out of whack. They're still all over the place. You are grieving for the loss of your baby, but what's making your behavior abnormal has nothing to do with LOSING the child, it's about GIVING BIRTH.

Get into your physician, tell them what's going on and take whatever drugs they tell you to take.

Your feelings and behavior are not normal. It's not normal to break down on a constant basis like this eight months after the fact. This is not normal grief.