Friends with a man for four months. Dated for four more. Yes, I knew he had, um, issues, but then, don't we all? Great guy. Uh, except that the way he ended it with me was to walk out of my house abruptly, tell me he was going to call, and then never did. Something, he said in an e-mail, not a phone call, was bothering him that he could not "process." Eh. So I get that he didn't know how to break up with me. Because I figure that if you can't talk something that's bothering you through with someone you've known for 8 months...

We've only quarreled three times -- each time was connected to the fact that he would make a date, not show and not call. So, yeah, a tad squirrelly.

Fast forward two weeks. The next time I see him after he's walked out of my apartment, he looks as miserable as I feel, we're at a party at the home of a mutal friend. Birthday party. He sits down next to me and his body language is such that I find out later that everyone expected us to go home together, or at least that everything was okay. He tells me he misses me. He even got up to use the restroom and came back and sat back down next to me. I was sober...I can't vouch for him.

My ex didn't call me after the party. I sent an innocuous e-mail. No reply. So, okay, hint taken again.

So I am looking for things to say to this guy, my ex, if and when he pulls the same thing at a party next Saturday -- when it will have been three weeks. My feeling being that someone either gets to not want to have contact, or he gets to sit next to you with his leg pressed up against yours and making a great deal of eye contact, but not both.

I'm not looking for something malicious or nasty or vindictive. Not my style.

In my experience, the best way to get someone to open up about his issues is to pointedly ignore him. If he sits down next to you, get up and go somewhere else. If he stops to talk to you, listen politely, but if it isn't about his issues, move on at the earliest opportunity. A few snubs should be all it takes to make him talk to you.

Alternatively, just ask him straight out why he's got a stick up his butt. Just what is his problem and why he walked out and won't talk to you about it.

And of course, you could always just find another bf.

HiGuys:

Friends with a man for four months. Dated for four more. Yes, I knew he had, um, issues, but then, don't we all?

"Um" issues? That sounds more than minor. I'd call this strike one before you even got started.

HiGuys:

Great guy. Uh, except that the way he ended it with me was to walk out of my house abruptly, tell me he was going to call, and then never did. Something, he said in an e-mail, not a phone call, was bothering him that he could not "process." Eh. So I get that he didn't know how to break up with me. Because I figure that if you can't talk something that's bothering you through with someone you've known for 8 months...

Yepper, you said it with no need for any other discussion. Strike two.

HiGuys:

We've only quarreled three times -- each time was connected to the fact that he would make a date, not show and not call. So, yeah, a tad squirrelly....

That would be striked three, four and five. Why are you still even worrying about this guy? You're letting him play you. I'm not saying he's doing it consciously, but, doesn't it give you a rush to see someone react positively to you, even when you aren't even trying? This guy is seeing you flumoxed over him, wanting positive signs from him and he's treating you like shit. Imagine if a friend asked you how to deal with a guy who didn't show up for dates and didn't call or explain himself? Imagine how you'd advise this friend if the guy didn't call for weeks, then tried to be all leg rub buddy-buddy at a party?! You'd say to tell the guy to take a hike!

So you should, too. Don't put up with it! If he sits by you, you don't have to be rude. Simply excuse yourself. Don't look back to see if he's looking your way. Don't acknowledge him if gets up to follow. Immediately erase his number from your phone and his address from your e-mail. If he leaves you a message, erase it unheard. Put yourself back out there, enjoy yourself for yourself and next time you meet someone with, uh, issues. Pass them by. :-)

How about something like, "It's nice to see you. How are things going? Have you been seeing anyone since we broke up?"

At every party there is that one guy. He's a total prick, all the other guys don't like him. He gets all the ladies. Blow him. Let everyone know you did it. Maybe even get caught doing it. The ex will leave you alone after that.

Thank you for this perspective. Of course it was easier when I imagined a friend of mine coming to me with the same advice. Or one of my kids.

And Pogue, thanks but no thanks.

I'm presuming my ex is actually away already...but perhaps in need of a little ego stroking.

HiGuys:

...I'm presuming my ex is actually away already...but perhaps in need of a little ego stroking.

The worst part, HiGuys, is that once you really do honestly and sincerely ignore/move past this guy, it's likely to cause him to really pursue you (human nature and all of that). So know that going in and don't fall for it. Because, as you know, leopards don't change their spots... Good luck!

This doesn't sound like you!

Take Smag's advice. Be nothing but civil (possibly even polite) but don't let him sit by you, etc. Put this guy totally off your radar. Screen your calls. Smag's also correct in that once you appear unavailable this guy might start trying harder. Don't be fooled by his "sincerity". (Put your prosecutor pants on, lol).

The guy's a loser. Seriously.

Unless it makes you feel better, you don't owe this guy any words. He didn't/wouldn't use any with you, after all.

I know you don't want to get nasty, but don't confuse "nasty" with "blunt". Most men don't "do" hints. You have to practically bludgeon them over the head with some things.

You need to tell him that you thought the two of you could be friends after the breakup, but that you see that just isn't possible. Phrase it in a way that's sympathetic to him if you must, but make it clear that you aren't interested in any relationship with him but the most superficial. Then make it stick. Don't send any e-mails to him and delete anything he sends to you unread. If he does call, tell him you're busy or heading out somewhere.

I get the impression that his snuggly routine is his way of telling the world that he can have you back whenever he wants. Given the way he treated you when you were dating, you're well rid of him. If he can't even make a commitment to be on time for a date without arguing, he's unreliable, to say the least.

MessyONE:

I know you don't want to get nasty, but don't confuse "nasty" with "blunt". Most men don't "do" hints. You have to practically bludgeon them over the head with some things. You need to tell him that you thought the two of you could be friends after the breakup, but that you see that just isn't possible. Phrase it in a way that's sympathetic to him if you must, but make it clear that you aren't interested in any relationship with him but the most superficial. Then make it stick. Don't send any e-mails to him and delete anything he sends to you unread. If he does call, tell him you're busy or heading out somewhere. I get the impression that his snuggly routine is his way of telling the world that he can have you back whenever he wants. Given the way he treated you when you were dating, you're well rid of him. If he can't even make a commitment to be on time for a date without arguing, he's unreliable, to say the least.

Thanks...I am done trying to contact him. Concerned friend trying to work it out is one thing, but no one is going to confuse me with a stalker!

I will let everyone know how he behaves.

HiGuys:

Thanks...I am done trying to contact him. Concerned friend trying to work it out is one thing, but no one is going to confuse me with a stalker! I will let everyone know how he behaves.

Let me add one more voice to the chorus telling you to let go and move on. You had a relationship going in your mind that was different than the one in his mind, and different than an uninvolved observer would have described. Whatever it was, it's over now. Although talking about it might help you, you've gone beyond talking about it. You're obsessing.

No one else is interested in how he behaves, and you should adopt that attitude as soon as you can.