Hello Fraysters,

Take a break from the piddly problems in this week’s letters. I have a child spacing survey for the Fray.

My spouse and I currently have a 6 month old daughter and we are starting to discuss when to have the next child. We can’t decide on the spacing. I’m an only child so I know that view well and he is 5 years apart from his sibs (second marriage) so we don’t have good firsthand experience to fall back on.

Which of the following spacing do you think is best:

a. Less than 2 years apart

b. 2- 2.5 years apart

c. 3- 3.5 years apart

d. More than 3.5 years

e. Only is the best

If you could also tell why you chose that spacing I would appreciate it.

No kids of your own? Don’t let that stop you from giving advice to strangers. Tell about the spacing between you and your sibs and why you loved/hated it.

Thank you all for your input!

Note: any responses including the obnoxious term “breeder” will be summarily ignored.

Dear Breeder (never let on that you DON'T want to be called something...)

My siblings (4 of us) and I are all 2-2.5 years apart and I think that worked out pretty well. Two years was not long enough for my older brother to get the sense of being an only child before I came along and it also allowed us to play sports together without him having too much of an advantage. I think anything less than two years seems too close, let them have a little space. I think by 3 or 4 that new kid is going to seem like an invader to kid A's space. Just my thoughts.

b. 2 - 2.5 years

no kids myself, but my sister and i are 2 years apart (also have 2 brothers, 6 and 8 years younger than me) and it just seems like a good amount of time - we're close enough in age that we were tight when we were growing up and can relate to each other. my brothers are also 2 years apart from each other and the same goes for them. you'll also want to give your body some time to recover before your next pregnancy - said sister had her sons 18 months apart and her health suffered with the second one because she had not fully healed from the first pregnancy.

20 months between me and my sibling, we were the best of friends all through childhood and remain so now. People I know who have siblings 3-5 years older or younger tend to not be as close.

Get knocked up when the kid turns 2. That way the kid will be old enough to be potty trained or on the way to being potty trained by the time the next kid comes. That's my and my wife's plan. I was once given the advice to space the kids out just long enhough that you won't have more than one in diapers at the same time. Good advice.

I'm a non-breeder so have not previously considered this issue. Personal experience: my mother was pregnant with me when she adopted my older sister, therefore we are 6 months apart. Bottle-feeding, diapering, etc. two infant girls- lotsa work, ha-ha! Developmentally, though, I would say it challenged me to learn things faster as she was only that little bit older than me. Sister, though, wasn't that thrilled to have a constant hanger-on. I would probably recommend 2 or 3 years spacing so there is some closeness but not too much.

-tenar

B. 2-2.5yrs apart.

Basically some of my reasons for this response include:

1. 2yrs is about right for the family to mentally and financially prepare for a new addition to the clan.

2. 2yrs is enough time to physically rebound from the first child (for the mother and to some extent the father as well). I think it is important to be in good physical health for many varied reason.

3. 2yrs is enough time to create some semblance of order to the household. Correct me if I am wrong, but it should be easier to set rules for a 2yr old than say a 1yr old?!?

4. Depending on the family/parenting styles, the 2yr old will be that much closer to entering daycare thus allowing the parents more time with the new baby.

I echo the potty training reason, that has always been my ideal, one out of diapers before the next (unless you have multiples, or an oops! kid, of course)

I'm pregnant with our first, and I know this issue will come up as soon as he's born, so we have talked about it alot.

I am one of 2 living (mom had a still birth after me, and an infant death after my sister) - there is 6 1/2 years between us, I'm the elder. This is not good spacing. I felt like an only child for the most part and seriously ignored my sister as much I could growing up. now that we are both adults, have found that we are kind of close but I think kind of think, how in the world did we come from the same 2 parents?? as we think and act very differently. Even though she got some alone time as sort of an only child once I moved out, I was still always in the picture, so not really only child time for her, and my parents' parenting styles were way different with me (who they had very young - 17 and 18) and her, who they were more prepared for.

-hope all that helps!

My brother and I were 18 months apart, me in July '77, he in Jan. '79---as my mom put it, I was born on the hottest day of the year, my brother was born on the coldest.

It worked out really well for us growing up---even though we had intense sibling rivalry, that just brought out the best in us both. We played the same video games, played the same sports, had a lot of overlapping friends, and were in some ways a two-headed only child. Plus, when he needed homework help, I was closely enough removed from the material myself to still remember most of it since we were both in gifted/honors classes growing up.

I'd say get cracking on that second kid, as in now---soon as your man gets home, he should find you on the bed wearing nothing but a wry smile. Let the gods decide when you get knocked up next.

I suggest spacing them 21 years apart. That way you have that one-on-one time with each child, and additionally you will be able to compete with your future daughter-in-law by being pregnant at the same time. It will give you some very interesting family dynamics!!!!!!!

I don't know what is best, I can only use my experience.

There's 8 years in between my daughter and son. Not necessarily by choice, just how life worked out for me. One is pretty much self sufficient and the other needs all of your time. Worked well in the sense that I wasn't pulled in all directions at once, I was able to focus on one at a time when they needed it most. Bad part, I had a new baby when I was getting used to sleeping in and directing versus hovering! :)

No, I really love the spacing and couldn't imagine life any other way. Anyways, who can afford more than one in daycare?

D. You don't want to have two still in diapers...or in college together.

I think b is probably your best option although I'd go for a if it wasn't for the health / financial concerns.

I have a twin sister so we've got 1 minute between us. Yes, there was lots of competition and where there wasn't competition, outsiders attempted to create it for us. Then the whole college break was tramatic. But there is something very special about having somebody with you from the start that makes our bond pretty much unbreakable. We still fight maybe once a year but I never doubt that I've got one person in this world that is an ultimate supporter.

In contrast, I have a brother who is 5 years younger than me and a sister that is 7 years younger. It was fun when they were first born and we had real live dolls to play with but really, they always will be 'the kids' to me. I love them but more as a caretaker than a peer. It isn't a bad thing (and some of that has to do with our upbringing) but if you want your kids to be friends, the closer the better I think.

Alvarus:

20 months between me and my sibling, we were the best of friends all through childhood and remain so now. People I know who have siblings 3-5 years older or younger tend to not be as close.

Yep, my brother and I were 3 years apart and fought like cats and evil cats and dogs and scorpions.

My kids are almost exactly 2 1/2 years apart - April 15, '95 and Oct. 13, '97. It's worked out beautifully. My daugher was potty trained, and super excited about being a big sister - she did nothing but help with her brother when he was born - played with him, "helped" change diapers, held him, the whole bit. They're 14 & 11 and they are super close, and are only now starting to hit that stage where they annoy each other, and even that is pretty rare.

However, I should note that my daughter was exceptionally easy as a baby, and very advanced - spoke early, understood concepts well beyond her years, and was very self sufficient and entertained herself. No temper tantrums, no disagreeable behavior.

She did not prepare us for a "normal" child. My son was active, needed constant supervision as a toddler (seriously unprepared - we never had to child proof our house with our daughter - she just didn't get into stuff she wasn't supposed to get into), threw temper tantrums and was generally your typical kid. There was NO WAY we could have had another child within 2 years of our son. He wasn't nearly mature enough to understand it, and he had some serious Mama's Boy issues. He's awesome now, well behaved and very thoughtful and would have been a great big brother at 5 or 6, but not 2. Had the birthing order been reversed, there would have been at least a 4 year age difference in siblings.

So I'd say it depends more on the personality of your daughter. I personally suggest nothing less than 2 years - for diapers alone, if nothing else.

Good luck on your family planning, and congrats on your new (ish) addition!