I understand the core of what Prudie is getting at.
However, what I think she's failing to notice is the "lay around younger guy" seems to be turning into an epidemic.

I'm in a similar situation. I'm 24, he's 22. He graduated college in May, and has since moved back in with his parents. However, he has ZERO motivation-he's managed to apply to ONE job in these two months. He has no idea what he wants to do with his life, and on top of that is currently experiencing a "existential crisis" about who he is.

This has been happening to a LOT of my female and male friends. Nearly all of my male friends seem content to work a dead-end job and live in their parents' basement. I and my friends are flummoxed. I don't consider myself in the fast lane of motivation-I'd like to be a teacher, or maybe a professor, if I can manage it. We're not demanding our boyfriends be a Master of the Universe.

So where does this lack of motivation in the males of my generation (generally) seem to come from?? And how are we, as women supposed to deal with it? I've dated my boyfriend for three years, and he is intelligent, funny, deeply loyal and caring (plus a knock out in the sack.) But his near refusal to plan for the future is slowly killing me (and us.) Do you really dump such a man-when it seems that there are no motivated men of my age group left?

PS: I also found it fascinating the responses I get about my situation. My female friends think it's bizarre and frustrating, my guy friends think I'm being a nag and should be patient... for, ever, I guess?

So why are you so hung up about clinging to men the same age as you? Didn't it ever occur to you that dating grownups could be a lot more fun? If your boyfriend's too lazy - "finding oneself" is a euphemism employed by people who are too goddamned lazy to get up off their asses and LIVE - then quit wasting time on him.

Go forth, young woman, and find yourself a man instead of a little boy. Someone who isn't afraid to leave Mommy's basement and have fun in the real world. You know, actual MEN have more going for them than pretty penises...like the skills to go with them. They also tend to work and be solvent, thus paying for the occasional dinner or splitting the cost of a European vacation, for example, instead of playing video games and eating Mom's tuna casserole.

So tell me again why you're sticking with the lazy ass?

I'd be less inflammatory with Messy but I have to agree with her. I never dated a 22 year old in my life! After high school the very youngest was 26. I'm sure the 22 year olds are great in the sack but I was dating a guy that was 46 when I was 22 and he was pretty good in the sack too. Plus, the motivation issue was a non issue.

22 year old men typically are not ready to do the mature route. That doesn't make them bad but that does make the women who date them silly if they think they are getting anything else than a whole lot of fun.

Not sure if you are looking for advice or a perspective, but I'll try to offer little of the former and a lot of the latter (most of which some social scientist will probably come along and tell me I'm wrong on). So, in other words, what you are about to read has no redeeming value.

Anyway, from the perspective of a 39 year old male. First, there have always been a bunch of slugs amoungst my gender. However, it does appear that tendency is becoming, as you so, epedimic, or at the very least, growing. I don't think this should really be surprising. If you look at the way I was raised verses the way you were probably raised (and the way my children are being raised), I had a lot more freedom. When I was 3 years old, I could go out of my house and walk aroun the block by myself. There is no way in hell I would let me kids do that now. When I was 7, I would take my fishing pole and walk down through the gulley and thru the woods to the creek about 1/2 a mile away and go fishing for hours. Do you think that happens? How much do you see 7 year olds without their parents around? Or, even the same age, we'd ride our bikes a mile away and play pick up football and baseball. At night in the summer we'd get together and play kick the can well into the dark. When I was 14, we played baseball in other towns and parents drove us. At 16, we drove ourselves and parents mostly stayed home. In highschool I worked 30 hours a week my senior year. When I was 16 and 17, I got up early and went duck hunting, often by myself, before school

That stuff doesn't happen now. Sports are predominately played in an organized fashion. Kids aren't allowed to venture out of the house by themselves without parents watching. So, the kids stay inside and watch TV and get lazy. Now, obviously both boys and girls are subject to this, but girls have always semed to be more inside creatures than little boys. They have their dolls and their tea parties, or have a friend (which now has to be an established fucking play date) over and do thing with them. Boys have to be stimulated in different ways, so they migrate over to video games, where they proceed to sit on their asses and play them for hours (and I've done this too).

So, the boys get conditioned to be layabouts, and as laws of physics dictate, bodies in motion tend to stay in motion, bodies at rest tend to stay at rest.

There are some male bodies in motion in your age group. In a couple of months if you can't get him in motion, I'd suggest it is time to think about finding one.

I thought the girls usually mature earlier than the guys of the same age. You're already with a younger guys. Maybe he'll mature around or after 30 or so & start thinking about the future then. So, if you're willing to wait until then..................

Lazy but still has a girlfriend and sex whenever he wants it. What does he have to lose?

22 and he already uses the word "nag"?

I'd move on.

Since the age of 16, the youngest person I have EVER dated was 8yrs older than me. I love men of all ages, colours, shapes and forms, but I couldn’t possibly date someone my age!

I’ve always dated older and even then you aren’t guaranteed to have a motivated, ambitious, goal-setting man just because he is older. That was the case with my ex unfortunately! I began dating him at 19 when he was a 2nd-year 29yr old graduate student. I didn’t worry about certain things while I was still in school, but the minute I graduated and began working I realised two things. Building a life and a career is hard work but it is also very rewarding. It became clear to me that he wanted the rewards but wasn’t willing to put in the hard work. He is “still” working on that same graduate degree (4yrs later), working at Staples (I now earn more than he does) and lives at home with his parents. Eek!

There is a lot to be said for being with someone who is older, mature and motivated. For example, my 2yr partner who is 10yrs older than I, has advised me on everything from increasing my 401k contributions, to dealing with a new managerial position at work, to planning and investing my savings, to buying a house, to writing my will, to dealing with my highly aggravating mother and so much more! He has (and continues) to advise me on so many things that I simply do not always have the insight or maturity to make the best decisions on. The exact same path I am walking as young professional woman who wants the best out of life, he has already walked himself. I take full advantage of his experiences, advice and knowledge and I fully confess that this is a large part of his appeal for me.

So I am not sure if I have been of any help, but in my personal experience dating older has worked much better for me.

Men know that women no longe rely on them to pay the bills so they figure "what's the point?". You said it yourself.....he's a knockout in the sack. He knows that all you really need him for so that's all he really has to do to keep you around in the medium term. Young men do whatever it is they need to do to get laid, and nothing more. Back in the day that meant showing he had some potential as a family providor, nowadays it means looking good in baggy pants with matching sneakers and being a knockout in the sack. The "layabout but good in the sack" man is just one more unintended consequence of the liberated woman.

MessyONE:

So why are you so hung up about clinging to men the same age as you? Didn't it ever occur to you that dating grownups could be a lot more fun? If your boyfriend's too lazy - "finding oneself" is a euphemism employed by people who are too goddamned lazy to get up off their asses and LIVE - then quit wasting time on him. Go forth, young woman, and find yourself a man instead of a little boy. Someone who isn't afraid to leave Mommy's basement and have fun in the real world. You know, actual MEN have more going for them than pretty penises...like the skills to go with them. They also tend to work and be solvent, thus paying for the occasional dinner or splitting the cost of a European vacation, for example, instead of playing video games and eating Mom's tuna casserole. So tell me again why you're sticking with the lazy ass?

Wait a minute here....I thought older guys that liked younger women were supposed to be creeps? Are you telling this young lady to start dating creeps? If so I'd like to throw my hat in the ring. I'm mature, lazy and a knockout in the sack.

look, the hard truth is a 24 or 22 year-old can offer very little in the way of real contribution. I can tell you honestly there is 0 chance your guy would be hired by most organizations I know. My advice for him is to work for free. Find a global company near you and ask to intern. He'll be exposed to people and prcoesses that will help him immensly in 10 years.

If you go back 50 years, people pretty much had their career paths and stuck to them. Not no more. You gotta be light on toes today. I don't mean to sound like an asshole but neither of you are equipped to deal with the state of things right now.

You're biggest asset is youth. Be smart. Do the little things. Take care of your health-- if that goes you're fucked. Read good books. There's much to learn. More than even you think you know. Opportunity happens and it happens fast. It won't be long before you're sitting in front of people and they're sizing you up, and you won't be able to bullshit your way through. But if you were smart, they'll see it.

All that said, your guy could just be lazy. What you're intuiting as a woman is sexual selection. You want a guy who's going to stand up to challenges, take a few on the chin and keep going. Because if he does that in life, he'll do the same for your kids and you.

So there you go. In the end my advice is, as usual, ambiguous. ha. I like you, student_on_the_rebound. It's like I'm talking to myself of 10 years ago. That probably sounds incredibly narcissistic. But it may help too.Invest in your future but don't wish your life away.

Oh and lastly, I don't think existential crises are that bad. I average one about 1-2 years. I think of them more as keeping it real. I don't do therapy or take any meds. I'm passionate but I can reign it in for practicality. I'm there for my friends and family. I see the existential crises as a churn, kinda like how continents and mountains are formed.

Some thoughts on this subject...

It's rather normal for a 22 year old guy to be not overly ambitious but not all of them are like that.

Dating older guys isn't always the answer (although it may be in your case) because you find that often guys who consistently date women 10-15 years younger aren't mature for their age and as you catch up to them, that discrepancy becomes more obvious. It's all fine if they're simply behind their real age but are maturing but some of them are simply stuck at some age.

As far as lack of motivation among the males in your generation, I actually observed the same thing 5 years ago or so among my circle of friends, i.e. the guys seemed less ambitious. And then magically overnight all of these "no job" "live in the basement" types found serious jobs and moved out.

So, as far as how to deal with your particular guy - well you want him to change and if you take any steps to change him it won't work, so really you need to decide what would make you happy right now. As far as dealing with the problem with the males in your generation - give it time and the problem will fix itself. Why not enjoy yourself in the meantime and do whatever makes you happy?

Also you can't really make anyone find a job - it requires a lot of motivation on the part of the person searching. It is possible to find a job (at least in NYC area) but you literally have to send hundreds of resumes per week and be willing to settle for any office job. You can be supportive and motivating once he starts looking even if he struggles with it, but that's all you can do.

I was thinking more along the lines of someone 3 to 5 years older, or even someone her own age that has a life. Having dated (pre-The Boy) a good-looking layabout with...talents, I gotta say that even that palls after awhile.

You said you were married, too, you old goat! And I'm fairly sure you're no creep. You just play one on the Fray. *snicker*

MessyONE:

I was thinking more along the lines of someone 3 to 5 years older, or even someone her own age that has a life. Having dated (pre-The Boy) a good-looking layabout with...talents, I gotta say that even that palls after awhile. You said you were married, too, you old goat! And I'm fairly sure you're no creep. You just play one on the Fray. *snicker*

Yeah and I'm also not that old either. Well maybe to a college girl(mid 30's) but I'm going to try and wait til I hit my 50's before crossing over to full fledged creep status.....

Hey, don't knock video games and tuna casserole! Some of us enjoy those in our own homes.

But wow, that is lazy. I always considered myself lazy. I didn't study, didn't go for a career that'd take overtime, spent much of my free time gaming, etc. But still, I figured easiest way to be lazy was first secure a high paying job I can coast in. And being lazy, last thing I could tolerate is living in the same house with my parents to nag me about minor issues...

But I guess compared to these guys, I'm a self-motivated go-getter catch? Or at least would be if I bothered to put on pants? :S

tribble22:

Hey, don't knock video games and tuna casserole! Some of us enjoy those in our own homes.

But wow, that is lazy. I always considered myself lazy. I didn't study, didn't go for a career that'd take overtime, spent much of my free time gaming, etc. But still, I figured easiest way to be lazy was first secure a high paying job I can coast in. And being lazy, last thing I could tolerate is living in the same house with my parents to nag me about minor issues...

But I guess compared to these guys, I'm a self-motivated go-getter catch? Or at least would be if I bothered to put on pants? :S

And what field of work would that be? Most of my high paying jobs required hard work!