I would like to comment on the person studying abroad in Japan who is bitching about having $15k-$20k of student debt when they graduate.
Honey, here's a big ole can of KWITCHER-BITCHIN'! Seriously. 15-20k of student loans really isn't anything to complain about. Despite scholarships, I had more than that when I graduated, and the payments have been quite manageable on a middle-class income. It really sucks that your parents have refused to help you with your college expenses, and if I were in your position I would be pissed off at my parents too, but if you get away from an IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL with only 15-20k is student debt, you are DAMN lucky. Suck it up and deal.

If your parents refuse to contribute, you should refile based on your own income (or lack thereof). You should become eligible for a need-based scholarship on your own.

And, as ZoeCat so nicely indicated, 15-20K is small potatoes these days.

And, you know, the parents didn't hold a gun to your head. YOU chose to go to an Ivy league school, when you could have chosen to take a full ride elsewhere. Your parents do not owe you a higher education. So, like ZoeCat said, suck it up and deal.

Oh, how I wish I had only $20K in student loans! Seriously, if your parents "insist" that you go to an Ivy but tell you that they won't contribute any money to your tuition, and you go anyway, it's your own fault--presumably they didn't knock you over the head and drag you to Cambridge. You could have said, "If it's that important to you that I go to Harvard, you need to help me pay for it. Otherwise, I'm going to go to State U because I have a free ride there."

For what it's worth, though, if your parents are deemed capable of contributing by the school, the fact that they choose not to is meaningless as far as financial aid is concerned.

It's still worth researching student loans, though. I'll grant you that I graduated a long time ago, but I was in the same boat as the LW. I had no support from my parents. I essentially begged. I proved that I was not living under their roof and supplied some truly pathetic bank statements (waiting tables for four bucks an hour was not going to pay tuition). The faculty secretary helped me with the initial application and after that I was fine.

EXACTLY -- $15-20k for an Ivy!? STOP WHINING! And, since when are children OWED a college education by their parents? You're an adult....deal with it.

Well, parents don't owe their kids college tuition. It's bad form to get pissed off at people for not doing you a favor. But if they're not footing the bill they don't get a say in where to go. The student should have ignored their wishes in the matter; if he didn't, that was his choice and he shouldn't be whining about it.

But what got me was his comment about how sad it was that money was coming between them--"I thought our relationship was deeper than that." Please. He's the one who's stopping the contact. What he meant was, "Bummer! I thought our relationship would be important enough to them that I could get the tuition money through a little emotional extortion, but it hasn't worked!"

I have to agree that any adult should be able to handle that little debt from an Ivy (many people who graduate from non-Ivy schools have more). BUT, I think it's unfair for everyone to just assume that it's easy for a high school student to go against their parents' wishes, which are generally more like threats and hard pushes. It seems like this person knows they made a mistake in listening to his parents now, but that realization takes maturity...not the mentality of a 17 or 18-year-old. It seems like a lot of readers don't remember what it was like to be that age.

Still, I also regreted listening to my parents at that age when I went to the university they wanted. But I got over it and learned to accept my situations and behave like an adult. This person does need to realize that they're stronger and more independent because of the experience.

AMEN. I would be so happy to only owe $20k, let alone for Ivy frickin' League. Shaddup!

But, random aside to the "file on your own"-ers: for federal aid, you can't file a FAFSA on your own if you're under 25 and unmarried, and your parents are not dead (I think maybe if they're in jail), and a lot of state / private scholarships also use the federal need guidelines. Yes, it mandates the inclusion of parental income. If they won't even give you their tax info (let alone contribute), you're SOL--I know it'll make you ineligible for subsidized staffords, not sure about unsub.

Just food for thought. I still stick by my first assessment, though: I'd give up at least a minor digit (pinky toe? Eh. Middle toe.) to get my loans down to $20k.

That depends on the college or university. Most universities I am familiar with (I am a retired HS AP teacher who has helped many students apply to colleges) DO distinguish between students whose parents are willing/able to help, and those whose parents aren't.

Yeah, an Ivy definitely has the staffing level in the student aid office to take a personal look at your situation... if you are persistent and work with them I'm fairly sure (as an Ivy grad) that they'd take your situation into account.

Of course after they take everything into account, they might easily conclude that you could shoulder a student loan burden of 30-40k after graduation, and change their support accordingly.

Sack up. Your parents don't really owe you anything, your passivity is discouraging, and the level of student debt you are talking about really isn't very much compared to the value of the education and connections you are getting. Just because some of the trust fund or AA babies at the school are getting a better deal then you doesn't mean that you are getting a raw deal.

And keep your dad in the loop. While you may not **OWE** him anything anymore because he isn't supporting you, this idea of cutting him off as some sort of punishment would really turn bitter in your mouth if you lost him...I don't know why I would need to tell you that. If you are paying the tuition bill you don't need to report anything other then "good" for grades, but things like majors or moving to a different continent is the sort of stuff you can tell everybody (facebook friends, strangers in bars, any other random acquaintances) and to withhold it seems petty and vindictive. You are an adult now, act like one.

You people are pathetic. First of all, saying one's parents "don't owe them anything" is nonsense, especially at that age. Secondly, the LW told the story to illustrate how bad the relationship has gotten with the parents, not how much debt the LW is in. At no point did the LW say "how do I saddle my parents with this debt."

Most importantly, remember the LW's question: how do I start talking to my parents again? This implies that the parents are so uninterested in the kid that they don't even know he/she moved across the fucking world for months. Is that the kid's fault? Really? The parents never checked in at all?

Jesus, I'd take my Ivy league degree, pay off my debts (which aren't alot, fine, but significant regardless), and make sure the parents are shown the same treatment when it was time for hospice care. It's not about the debt people; some parents can't afford college, and that's fine. That's not what's in question here. They're complete ignorance to their kid who they don't even know moved half way across the world is.

Thank you, djyman15. This is what I was thinking. It's not about the money, it's about the fact that this parents don't seem to care at all about their son. He freaking moved to another continent and they haven't even noticed!!! Or maybe they did notice, but haven't even tried to contact him, which is worst. I agree that the LW should have made more effort to communicate with his parents, but he is the kid after all. If my college kid would stop communicating with me I would try by all means to contact him. I'd care to know how he's doing, if he's ok, etc. They are the parents!

Besides, I know parents don't have to pay for their kids education, but if they can afford it they should help. Let's face it, it's very difficult for a 17 or 18 year old to sustain himself. And if you aren't going to help with his tuiton then be realistic and don't make the poor kid go to an Ivy League if he cannot pay for it! Even if 15K or 20K is a small debt. The least they could have done is advised him to take the full scholarship from the other college. As for the kid being a "grownup" and that no one forced him to go to an Ivy League, I agree with the other poster who said that remember this was a teenager, not really mature enough to make such an important decision all by himself. He did what most of us would have done, he listened to his parents. And now, he understands this was a mistake.

I mostly agree with Prudie's advise on this one. The kid should try to just let it go, consider himself luckier than most people and try to ammend the relationship with his parents. But this was not the kid's entire fault.

As for the relationship, I agree that this is the main point of this story. However, we also only got one side of it. There may be other dynamics and other history here that is relevant to the issue at hand. As ChocButterfly said he is the "kid" after all, and the parents would hopefully be the adults. Then again, maybe he will learn independence and self care. Maybe he will learn the value of money in the real world. I'm not saying he is whining, it is apparently very real to him and that is the important thing. My husband and I paid off his and my student loans, it really isn't that big of a deal, just do it and count it as a part of living.

I agree that I would love to have only 15k-20k of student loans (I am 10 years out and I still have more than that!) but I think what is missing here is what led to the parents not paying anything. While they don't owe him a college education, it is bizarre that they would push him to go to an Ivy League school and then not pay for it. I could see if there was a fight and he went to the school they did not want, but he did as he was told and they still won't pay? Seems strange, no? I think we don't have the whole story here. Something else is going on in this relationship and the not paying and not noticing he is in Japan are just symptoms of a much larger problem. Something was amiss in this relationship long before they refused to pay for college.