As the mother of a 13 year old, that's my first thought about the "mom of a meanie" situation.

Mom of the excluded girl should NEVER have shown up at this party, as Prudence has indeed noted. What on earth was she thinking? There are times when my son gets wind of a party to which he wasn't invited, and I can't fathom driving him there to confront the evil-doers!

"Mom of a meanie" definitely has some work to do with her own daughter, but I don't think she owes the mother of the excluded girl an apology. Really, this is about the kids!

While I totally agree that the mom made a bad move, showing up at the party. I think it was the taunting that put her over the edge. I can't imagine how I would react if somebody hurt my baby like that (He's only eight, so I also can't imagine him being 13 & he's a boy so hopefully I can avoid situations like this altogether). I think I would want to flip out.

Were the mean girl my kid, I would punish her for sure. She'd have to do some sort of community service that makes her think about what she did (the taunting not the defriending).

My mother decieded to fight one battle for me in elementary school. I was upset that some of the "cool girls" were making fun of my name. Mom went and scolded them as they walked home from school. They lived farther away than I did. She made me go with her. I was devastated.

In most cases, it's best to let kids work these things out. I'd probably have forgotten all about the incident in a few days had my mother not interfered. No blows were struck, no money was taken, etc. If it had been going on all the time, it might even have been different.

Yes, talk to your own kid, but don't make a federal case out of one incident of snubbing the kid who happens to be on the outside this month.

I totally agree. The worst thing that could happen is a parent getting involved in these sort of spats. Were the girls being mean? Yeah. 13 year olds are often like that. (13 = 8th grade for me. I freely admit that my 8th grade year was absolutely the worst of my entire life.) But, now the girls are going to be irritated that an adult intruded and give the loner more shit when the parents aren't around. Plus, it didn't help the loner figure out what to do....

Now, that being said, the LW was the mother of one of the mean girls and not of the loner. She should explain to her daughter that what her daughter did wasn't particularly nice and that with a social group like that, she may find herself the teased and excluded one. The daughter won't listen, I know I thought my parents were completely clueless when I was 13, but some if it might trickle through. But I don't think her mother should put herself into the situation directly.

I did some fairly mean things when I was 13. I also had some fairly mean things done to me. Eventually, most people grow past the angsty, hormonal teen stage.

Showing up at the party was a mistake. And meanie's Mom going out of her way to contact the offended mom would also be one. (Really, what do you say? Unless she's prepared to fall on her sword and take the blame for being a terrible mother.) The more attention you pay to these things, the bigger issue this becomes. Follow the lead of the politicians: Shut up and wait for the news cycle to move on to something else. Now, if she runs into the mother someplace and has the opportunity to say something to her privately, that would be a nice gesture. But tracking her down seems a bit much.

Down the road, these girls will be at a fancy high school reunion. Mean girls will embrace shunned girl like nothing happened. If shunned will learn something from this experience (not likely with mom fighting her battles for her), then she'll grow and do something great with her life. And that's the best revenge ever at the high school reunion!

when my daughter was about ten, she had a friend who was encouraged by her own mom to stand up for herself. and this included being very mean to anyone who she no longer liked. my daughter, a naturally kind and sympathetic young girl, got swept up in a campaign to isolate and hurt another girl who the friend didn't like. the nasty friend wrote a letter to the girl she didn't like and ranted and raved about what a loser she was and how she could not and would not ever have another friend in the future and gave several reasons why. she got 6 girls, including my daughter, to sign the document.

i got the document from the principal of the school. naturally, i was horrified at the tone and intention of the letter and was quite disappointed in my own daughter for falling victim of her friend's ruthlessness.

i spoke to all the girls involved (i am a father) and with respect to my own daughter, i asked her to look deep inside and to see if her actions matched her own inner standards. thankfully, she said no. they were opposed to each other. she showed great remorse, as did the other girls. the next step was to approach the singled out girl and offer heartfelt appologies. Ilana, the victim of this whole thing, was pleased to get the appologies, but i dare say, the whole incident could clearly linger forever.

the mother of the perpetrator called me on the phone and tried to go up one side of me and down the other for daring to tell her daughter she did wrong. it amazed me that the mother was so cold and heartless and was teaching her daughter (and her sister) that such treachery was not only acceptable but valued.

punishment for the girls in this situation is not necessary. it is for those who phoned the non-invited girl to torment her. and i'd like to be the one to admister it to those boys. they wouldn't be doing that again real soon.

the job of the parents of these girls who turned on a erstwhile friend need to stress the more important concepts at hand here with regard to respecting others and not using the gang mentality to torture others. its a difficult one because young girls are by nature, mean. get three together and one will usually go home crying. but that's the way they are. the parents need to constantly demonstrate good modeling behavior for their kids to copy.

While I agree that the mom was wrong to show up at the party, with shunned daughter in tow, I have to disagree to the very thought that "these moms are way too involved".

Kudos to Louie1a for taking a stand in his daughters case though.

Perhaps you might remember a young girl who committed suicide last year, because she was tormented by someone she thought was her friend. It was all over the news, and even triggered several new laws regarding cyber bullying. It turned out that a former neighbor, an adult, was responsible for not only the bullying but for creating a fake personna that this girl could call a friend.

If the girls mother had been more involved, she would probably still be alive.

Also, recall that the LW stated she and her daughter were friends of the "too involved" mother and her shunned daughter. It would be very difficult not to appologize to your friend if your own child did something, or encouraged something, so unconcionable.

I say get the belt and let them all know that such behavior is not acceptable.

SomebodyElse:

If the girls mother had been more involved, she would probably still be alive.

The problem in that case was not because the girl's mother was not more involved. It was because the other girl's mother was far too involved.

It's funny, but some of the best social lessons learned are the ones that hurt the most at the time. If I were that mom, I'd focus more on my daughter and less on the others. I'd tell her point blank that if she is part of a circle that hurts others, it's just a matter of time until she's the one on the receiving end. I'd also encourage her to branch out in her friendships. Some girls are just trouble, so it never hurts to have a variety of friends to pass time with should you find that one has turned on you. Don't put all the eggs in one basket so to speak.