The old flame made himself available to a woman he was interested in. He gave that time freely, not as part of a contract that she make herself available at a later date. I would take it he was coming to see the city, not to see his engaged old flame, right? I was disappointed that Prudie also holds the woman's feelings for her old flame as more important than the health of the current relationship. Who would enjoy seeing their romantic interest spending time with an old flame? Why should this guy be ridiculed into sucking it up? Why not work together with kindness for each other to find a solution they both like instead?

The problem is that the fiance is not interested in negotiating at all. He's taken a "do this or I'll leave you" stance. That kind of inflexibility hints at an extremely controlling fiance. If he's that uncomfortable with his intended meeting an old flame, then making the social gathering a threesome is a reasonable compromise.

neweveryday:

...Why not work together with kindness for each other to find a solution they both like instead?

Dude? The LW did try to work toward a solution they both like. She offered not to see this guy unless the fiancée was around. She offered not to see him except in group settings. So, what you're suggesting is not something they'd like, but something only the jackass fiancée would like. Whatever. The fiancée is a controlling shit bag. Defend him all you want, but, there's no excuse for his behavior, except maybe in caveman days. Well, no, not even then.

If he still has unresolved issues with his mother cheating & is projecting those issues onto his gf, do you honestly think that they will ever find a solution they both like?

She is in a no win situation, she is better off finding someone else that doesn't have unreasonable insecurities.

Well, in cavemen days, they would have resolved the issue. Grab fiancee from the her, drag her away from the old flame, the end.

First of all, it was extremelly stupid of her to present this friend as an old flame, instead of an old friend, since she feels that, even if they tried to heet things up, what they really wanted was to remain friends and they did. There is such a thing as too much disclosure, and now she expects him to get over it, smile and let her "navigate the friend through the country". Well, she does not seem happy to his suggestion of meeting his old girlfriends... So if she feels hurt by such a possibility, she also has to accept that he can feel hurt. However "not cavemen" era, I cannot imagine the three of them eating dinner and having small talk when both guys think about that grain de beaute she has on the hip.

If she loves the fiancee, the friendship is doomed. Next time, if she has a really good friend with whom she slept once and she really wants to keep contact, well, she should forget the one night, delete it from memory, take the pressure of the secret on her own and don't put the responsibility on her guy's shoulders.

neweveryday:

Why not work together with kindness for each other to find a solution they both like instead?

Yes, like only seeing the old flame in the presence of the fiancé. Oh, sorry. She offered that, and he still applies his imaginary veto. DTMFA.

LiaP:

If she loves the fiancee, the friendship is doomed. Next time, if she has a really good friend with whom she slept once and she really wants to keep contact, well, she should forget the one night, delete it from memory, take the pressure of the secret on her own and don't put the responsibility on her guy's shoulders.

She should probably avoid having a male physician. Or working with men. Or going in the street without her burqa. Whether she loves the fiancé (he's a man, not a woman) or not, their relationship is doomed. He's a controlling baby, and not worth trying to fix.

I'd agree with you if at least one of the following were true:

1) The romance hadn't died on its own while they still lived in the same city. I've been in the same situation and trust me, that is not one where there are lingering romantic feelings. Had the romance ended because she moved back to the states, I'd be far more cautious.

or

2) The woman had not already offered to have the fiance (and quite possibly a number of other people) there when she spends time with her old friend.

Also, what the woman described was more of a fling than a flame.

LiaP:

I cannot imagine the three of them eating dinner and having small talk when both guys think about that grain de beaute she has on the hip.

I can't imagine marrying or being friends with somebody who sees me as nothing more than a body to be fucked. I don't have a lot of hope for this fiancee (caveman indeed), but it is quite possible that the friend can actually hold a conversation with her - thinking about the conversation!!

marcparis:

...the fiancé (he's a man, not a woman)...

Thank you for pointing out the correct spelling, marc. I've used the wrong one about ten times already today in this and other posts and each time it looked slightly wrong to me, but I wasn't bothered enough by it to figure out why. My bad. :-(

Oh well--they say it's good to learn something new every day, yes? :-)

I really think you are over-reacting with this "controlling" thing. The guy is not controlling, he just does not want his girl friend to see an old boyfriend for several months. Why is this so wrong? Ok, it's not really mature to threaten that he would start contacting old girlfriends, but she is not happy about it neither, is-she?

And why does he not have the right to be insecure? Just how many of you keep seing old boyfriedns / girlfriends in knowledge of your current relationship? And how many of you see your current relationship's exs gladly?

Anyway, LW never said that she is not allowed the company of other male friends or that he is controlling with any men she knows. She only has a problem because she had a relationship with this guy. And frankly, if it was so not important for her, why did she go tell her boyfriend about it? I think it is unjust in a couple, to "be honnest" about things that did not really matter, then expect the other to show "superiority". She knew about the insecurities and did nothing to appease them, in the contrary, she brought a direct fight about it.

Look, my husband has two former wives. I see them on social and familly occasions, I am polite and I know that the relationship is formal, not really warm and would not exist but for the sake of the kids. But still I cannot engage in small talk with them, and I would not be glad and I would not accept it if he went out with them for old times sake, to have a drink or even to help them with handywork. I do trust my husband. I just don't trust them! It's a human reaction.

And this behavior will not get better after they're married; it gets worse.

LiaP:

And why does he not have the right to be insecure? Just how many of you keep seing old boyfriedns / girlfriends in knowledge of your current relationship? And how many of you see your current relationship's exs gladly?

I talk to several of my ex-girlfriends on occasion through email or Facebook. My girlfriend knows this, and is the jealous type. Jealousy is not an "ok thing". With the girl in this case telling her fiance that she will not see this person except in his presence or that of a large group, that should be good enough. If you are worried that she may like him more than you, then of course you want to be as ugly with jealousy as you can. DUH! There is a reason she picked you and not him, and if you are that insecure in the relationship, you'll lose her soon enough anyway... or should.

This girl actually had a relationship that started as friends and moved up... but that upper level just wasn't what they wanted so it moved back down to friends. Why, oh why, do people think its alright to be a boy/girlfriend and sleep with someone they don't even like enough to be friends with??? That's my biggest peeve with jealous people and their irrational desire to sequester their loved ones away from people that they care about.

Now, if this old flame starts flirting or doing things that seem an attempt to "lure" her into something inappropriate, then you have a discussion about how you don't like his personality... where he thinks it is ok to flirt with someone that has made clear they are in a stable (soon to be married, even) relationship. Now you have a case. Until then, the fiance is being an unreasoning jerk.

LiaP:

...But still I cannot engage in small talk with them, and I would not be glad and I would not accept it if he went out with them for old times sake, to have a drink or even to help them with handywork. I do trust my husband. I just don't trust them! It's a human reaction.

You can't talk with them? They are somehow so foul that they can't be engaged, even though your only issue with them is that they used to sleep with your husband (seeing as it seems the sex act is at the root of your concerns here)? You would not accept your husband helping one of them if they needed it?!

Further, you say that you trust him, but not them? If you trust him, your trust in them is irrelevant. So, to me, you don't trust him, either. And that may be at the root of the problem here, and something that should be addressed in order to engage in the kind of mature relationship that would be ideal. Or, just keep worrying about where he sticks his dick. Either way, it's good. It's a choice that any of us can make.

LiaP, I'm friends with a few of my ex boyfriends, and my husband is fine with it. Sometimes, we hang out together, and sometimes, I hang out with my exes without my husband. My husband is fine with this because a) I told him I no longer have feelings for my exes (which is true), b) he believes me and c) he trusts me. The converse is also true for one or two of my husband's exes. And we talked about it beforehand so that we could reassure each other that there was nothing to worry about, and because we were being considerate of each other's feelings.

You say you trust your husband, but you don't trust his exes. What, exactly, does that mean? Do you think they're going to rape your husband? Do you think that, if your husband is "seduced," he will have lost the capacity to remove himself from the situation? Your trust in your husband must be flimsy indeed if you think he wouldn't put on the brakes if his exes started flirting.

Either you trust your spouse or you don't. I cannot imagine being married to someone who doesn't respect my word, or someone who thinks so little of me that he assumes I would pitch my marriage vows at the first hint of temptation.