LANDOVER BAPTIST'S OFFICIAL STATEMENT ON MICHAEL JACKSON'S DEATH

Baptist Worldwide Press Reports - Upon hearing news of Michael Jackson's death on Fox News last night, millions of Christian parents opened the doors of their little boys' bedrooms and asked them for the first time, "Would you like to go and play outside?"

"The world today is twice as safe for our precious children than it was yesterday when Michael Jackson was still alive and prowling," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "Especially little lily-white boys with well-shaped heinies and the ability to keep a secret. Our sources say that Mr. Jackson loved them the best." Pastor explained that millions of boys across America will be able to play outside for the first time, without fear of Mr. Jackson driving by and stuffing them into his limousine to ply them with hard liquor (so-called, Jesus Juice) and cozy compliments. However, he noted that the world is not still completely safe. "Parents still have to protect their children from Catholic Priests," he said. "But they are not as much of a worry. They usually wait for little boys to come to them. Mr. Jackson, on the other hand, was the worst kind of predator. We've been telling scary stories about the disfigured Frankenstein of Funk to our Cub Scout troops for years! In fact, we are absolutely certain that Mr. Jackson has diddled over 400 juvenile tallywackers in this county since last October -- without even once been seen by anyone in Iowa! That's how sneaky that freak was."

On the evening of June 25th, Baptist ministry leaders learned that Michael Jackson's nose caved in on itself after one too many plastic surgeries and he suffocated during his Demerol-laced sleep. "This is something you won't hear in the media," Pastor Deacon Fred told church members. "We have someone on the inside, who told us about it, even before the press got hold of it. His nose either fell off or caved in - so don't believe any other stories you hear. Just rejoice in the Lord that this demon has been sent back to Hell where he belongs."

Landover Baptist Ministries revealed that they received detailed information about Mr. Jackson over the last four years from a young Chrisitan boy (who will go unnamed to protect his safety and reputation) who was placed in Michael Jackson's care as an undercover spy for sin. "We wanted to get the goods on Jackson," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "We believe his behavior, especially when it came to little boys, was something that he learned as a Jehovah's Witness because those folks are crazy enough to do anything." Pastor explained that the little boy they placed under Jackson's care would fax crayon sketches of Mr. Jackson's penis back to the Creation Science Laboratory every Thursday night. "Usually, the sketch would show a mottled tallywacker -- like a very old pinto pony's -- hanging lengthwise down the page. But last week, the brown and flesh colored crayons depicted something sticking straight up -- across the page -- and we knew that, after two or three more times, we were going to have to move to protect that child -- and bring ointment!"

Official Landover Baptist Church Statement Concerning the Eternal Fate of Michael Jackson:

"Scripture teaches us that Michael Jackson is now burning in Hell. He will forever be on the wrong side of the buggery stick (now a pitch-fork), bent over on the desolate shores of the Lake of Fire to be reared in the heinie in those rough sands by the hard flesh - the enormous spiked red-tallywhackers of his masters, the demons of Hell, forever. In Jesus precious Name we pray and give thanks that our children are now safe to play outside again. A-men."

Praise God!

Now, if we could just send about 100 million pinkos to hell with him this year, we'd have a free country, again.

Dd

Dawwgy, you still believe what your mom said about how the kids back in school were "laughing WITH you, not at you"....doncha?

It seams to me, that Micheal Jackson was appreciated far more abroad than he was at home and also given the benefit of doubt by the rest of the world, which is unusual especially from the British press, who are usually mean bastards.

Ah well, maybe they are saving it up. They love to build 'em up and once they reach the top, knock 'em down again. Not that it matters now. He was loved here by every one :-) funny eh. I haven't heard anyone express anything other than saddness and grief here, at his passing, love and deep respect.

Just a little btw. ..........As you were :-)

I live right by the ranch. My kids and most of the kids in the area have been over there over the years. Nothing was going on, it was all a shakedown and a witch hunt by the local police and DA.

That's what we all thought here, plus there was a rumor about 'someone' wanting, very badly, the Beatles stuff that he had and that they ,whoever they are, was behind the Witch hunt?

Thanks Angel xxxxx I bet your children had fun :) He was a sweety wasn't he ?

He actually was very nice to all the kids. We really do know many kids that were quite close to MJ and they all said nothing happened at all, he was just a big kid. Was he weird? Of course but a pedophile? No proof whatsoever. My buddy is a sheriff and was at the house when they raided it. He said they found all kinds of bizarre stuff and that yes, he was a weirdo, bla bla bla. But did anything they find turn out to be evidence proving anything? Nope. This was a shakedown by the kids mom and then a witch hunt by Jim Thomas and Sneddon. Both of these guys are arch conservative assholes just dieing to be in the spotlight. Thomas was getting paid thousands by Fox to be a commentator on their idiotic shows, I know the guy, real prick.

is eccentric.:-) xxxxx Thanks again for a bit of clarity xxxx

Hi Anny! Hope you and yours are doing well.

About Jackson, he was extremely bizarre, but he did have talent. He said in an interview that he thought it was OK to share his bed with children, and tho he denies having done anything wrong, it just isn't right for a 40+ year old man to share a bed with small children who aren't his. I have my doubts about his innocence, but guess we'll never know for sure. Here's a clip of the interview...about 2 minutes in is where he talks about it. (Micheal Jackson 60 Minutes Summary if the link doesn't work for you)

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I think that he was innocent so does most of the rest of the world I think, I certainly have not heard any one here say that they thought he was guilty. It is odd how every one has said, since hearing of his death 'no, lets not go there' This is unusual for the British press and it tells me that they know that he was not fairly treated. And every one I have spoken too believes he didn't do anything wrong as far as children are concerned. Soooooo it seams it was only in America that he was not flavour of the month.

This whole not sharing beds thing is modern, God we all used to pile in together in the past. Nope I see no wrong in it :) I truly believe that he was an innocent :-)

Yep he was eccentric 'that's OK, I don't care' ( 'I'm a boy', Some Like It Hot ) ,

Have you read what Woolly said above ? If he had harmed any child, there would have been more, there always are........ where are they ? And the family that did for him ..... what a truly horrible suspicious lot eh .... the first kid got not a penny and was thrown out by his family, whilst they were enjoying the ' shakedown' cash he was living alone in a grotty bed sit. And he rescinded his statement too.And the second child was from the same family. Oh it is all too seedy and horrid.

The price of fame ..... but, I am sure that if you had asked him, where the ups worth the downs ? or the other way round ???? Where the downs worth the ups ( yes thats right ) He would have said yes :) I just think he was super and will remember him with a smile xxxx

Me and mine are hot. huffing away, we are having a heat wave, not as hot as all that, 90ish,but we are not geared up for it here.... I am ok, I don't have to do much but my daughter is directing a play in a park in Hove .... they are cooking :) the sea is close so she and one of the actresses ( who is also her boss ) go for a swim at the end of the day. It is nice, they put on a play in a little secluded bit of St Annes Wells Gardens every year, families come with picnics its lovely, even when it rains :)............ Her own play, the last one she wrote is being published and is going on in London in a proper theatre in November..... Yes !!!!!!....... God she works hard , but I suppose I did once.

I think we have a baby Cockatiel ( I can never spell it :-)) or two, my other birds breed easily but the cocky's thank goodness, 'cos they are too big, are a little slower, so when we have a baby it is very special and loved by all, all cochies that is.

Even though I want to stop, I can't really afford too but business is very bad anyway,so finances are well, a juggling act :-) fuck em :-) I am a good juggler :-)

Well you asked !.......How is your old hound ? And how is daughter and other members of family animal as well as human ?

xxxxx love and stuff xxxxxxx

"Poppet"...for some reason I always liked that.

Sounds as tho you have really talented offspring...what a great feeling! My girl is quite an artist and poet (won couple of small poetry contests) but works with disabled children, she has such a big heart.

My second or third cousin owned a big old hotel on the channel but I can't for the life of me remember exactly where...if it comes to me I'll tell you. I can remember being there when the temp got to 70 and the cousins would complain about the heat. Still spring here and stays pretty cool (70s and 80s) but we have had a couple triple-digit days. Doesn't get really hot till mid-July, over 100 most days. I have no A/C, but a lot of fans.

All my critters are doing pretty well...parrot is giving me stink-eye right now, he's old and crotchety, and I didn't share my popcorn with him.

I am at war with IRS right now but don't know who's winning...just won smaller war with the FTB for state taxes. Still no work for me, but gotta keep trying, 18 months now, massive boredom as I can't really go anywhere.

XOXOXOXOXOX Later, Luv XOXOXOXOXOXOX

Jersey or Guernsey ? I had cousins who grew up in Jersey, their Pa had a huge Hotel too, He got out of Rhodesia early, seeing the signs. Not a particularly nice man but he left them all a lot a dosh when he went.

Your daughter sounds like a sweety, Her work can be very satisfying but also heartbreaking, and never well paid :-) Having a creative out let is much better than lots of money though.

What do you do ? work wise ...What sort of work are you looking for ? Anything ???? !!!!! It is hard here too, trying to get any sort of work at the mo. We shouldn't have to be bloody working at our age though should we ? Pooh what did we do wrong ? ( I know, we were silly :-)) It's always the same, when we have time we are poor and when we are rich we are working too hard to enjoy it. And when we are working hard we think,'why didn't I do that when I had time ?' I try not to get bored, there is so much to do but without incentive it is difficult. I am supposed to be sorting and selling part of my Fathers library, I do in fits and starts and I am supposed to be doing a writing course, I think about it :-) and there is so much to do in the house and my allotment looks like a jungle ....... I talk about it all a lot and then have another cuppa coffee with my next door neighbour ......we are good at putting the world to rights :)

I don't get out much any more either, I won't leave my dogs alone anymore, not for long, four hours max so need a 'baby sitter' when I go anywhere interesting. I only have one sitter, 'It is big old Indy's fault, he still goes for his brother Teddy Bear occasionally, they are big buggers and I cannot ask anyone too cope with them if they are not comfortable with it. There are three bitches living two doors away, Indy gets very grumpy when they are on heat !

You have lots of old 'nanimals by the sounds of it, why can't poor grumpy old Parrot have pop corn ? Meany :-)

It rained here last night ( my washing was out of course) so has cooled down, yer we are not geared for heat here ,mainly 'cos one never knows how long it will last, that is if we get a summer at all !!!

My daughter is very talented but talent alone don't do it, she has worked so hard through not much thick and lots of thin so she really deserves this break, she has watched all her friends have babies, buy nice houses etc while she has struggled on in a tough old business that she loves, in ,sometimes dire circumstances but it is all good stuff for a writer/actress/director/teache­r , she also helps to look after a dear wonderfully eccentric old lady :-) xxxxxxx The tapestry of life.

Right, 'upwards and onwards' xxxxxx love and bla bla bla xxxxx

Good luck with work ... It works you know, if you visualize what it is that you want and hold that thought :-) and good luck with the horrid old tax man .... yuk, they want more money from me too ..... a fine !!!! for what I have no idea ? I don't think they do either. I heard through the grape vine that,...since our tax and customs and excise offices joined up, they didn't take on any more staff and that they can't cope so they throw half the papers away !!!! he he he thats England in the 2000's for ya

...you and the Devil could stand around Sieg Heil! -ing each other to your heart's content, too.

...although there was no proof, his approach to children was always a little creepy and suspect to me...especially when it came to evidence presented in the suits against him. Sure, celebs get shaken down, but that doesn't automatically mean he was innocent.

And I'd NEVER have sent a child into his proximity, period.

I'll tell you what Horus, over the years in different capacities I have met quite a few 'stars' It is odd how often those that you think that you will hate, you love and visa versa, I find it best not too judge, too quickly or easily. I prefer to hold judgements on people unless I know something first or even second hand :-) I suspect that he was as Woolley said 'very nice' with kids and what an extraordinary play ground. We have all become far too cynical. Still the situ will no longer arise will it ?