1. There is not a single bride- anywhere in the world- who has gotten married, returned from her honeymoon, and nothing bad ever happened in her life again. It doesn't happen that way. I'm sorry that you've hit a rough patch, but that's life, and it's married life. Which brings me to:

2. Everyone of your wedding guests who bought you gifts, and engagement/ shower gifts too- have a lot going on in their lives. They have to take care of family members, help their friends, and juggle jobs, family, kids, parents - they still found time to buy you a present. I'm sure that life wasn't perfect before the wedding, while you found time to register; so stop making excuses and get writing.

3. I don't know if you are planning to have a baby or move, and I don't know if you celebrate your birthday in a big way, but don't expect as many gifts. Sending a gift and not being acknowledged or thanked is a bit of a slap in the face. Many people won't do that twice.

Now, on the plus side, I doubt that you've offended all of your guests; many people in our generation think that thank yous are hopelessly out of fashioned and something you only send to grandma when you're eight. So I'm sure a good portion of your guests will actually be quite understanding. However, there are going to be a number of people- especially if you have hundreds of notes to write- who are going to be offended. Put yourself in their shoes: You go to the expense of sending a nice gift to someone who doesn't even acknowledge it?

I know it seems like a small thing, but to some people, it's not. So be prepared if older relatives especially are a bit cold.

Laini26 -- You are just SO right! Many people these days don't acknowledge thanks for gifts given in any manner-- forget a written note -- even when in phone conversation and the gift has just recently been given. I guess they just feel entitled. My own children are so very guilty of this and they weren't raised that way. On other hand, my son's wife, who had a childhood of great deprivation, as she was raised in a 3rd world country with limited means, never fails to either phone or write her appreciation for every little thing that I do for her and give to her.

Just guess who I most admire!

"Put yourself in their shoes: You go to the expense of sending a nice gift to someone who doesn't even acknowledge it?"

I think this is one of those things where people just see it completely differently. I give gifts because I want to, and I don't expect an acknowledgement from the recipient. I don't even notice if I got a thank you or not after a wedding. For me, the joy is in the giving itself. I also don't expect gifts from others, so the ominous "don't expect it again" seems so weird to me. OK, I don't, that's fine.

I think for some people gift-giving just carries a very different meaning than it does for others.

"I think this is one of those things where people just see it completely differently. I give gifts because I want to, and I don't expect an acknowledgement from the recipient. I don't even notice if I got a thank you or not after a wedding. For me, the joy is in the giving itself. I also don't expect gifts from others, so the ominous "don't expect it again" seems so weird to me. OK, I don't, that's fine. "

I agree, we've all been to a lot of weddings. I know I've gotten thank you notes, but I don't remember from who. I'm sure I haven't gotten them from some, not sure who there either.

bagelwoman:

I give gifts because I want to, and I don't expect an acknowledgement from the recipient. I don't even notice if I got a thank you or not after a wedding. For me, the joy is in the giving itself. I also don't expect gifts from others, so the ominous "don't expect it again" seems so weird to me. OK, I don't, that's fine.

With all due respect, this is the line of thought that older folks, in my experience, find especially annoying- "I don't care if I get a thank you, why should they?". Regardless of your opinion on thank you notes, there are going to be some guests who get offended and decide to not give another gift. If this girl is expecting otherwise, I'm afraid she's going to be disappointed. Why would you start you married life by being ungracious to your relatives and his?

Like it or not, being gracious involves not just treating people the way you want to be treated, it involves treating people the way they want to be treated.

"Like it or not, being gracious involves not just treating people the way you want to be treated, it involves treating people the way they want to be treated. "

Ok, but why doesn't this go two ways? As in, with all due respect, your assumption that your view is right is just as annoying to me as my assumption that my view is equally valid is to you.

As I said in my post, that's perfectly fine if they're offended and don't want to send gifts. Not a problem. But don't expect me to be all broken hearted and repentant over that.

"Otherwise, life goes on."

LOL, apparently not for some!

Seriously, I think the reason this attitude about thank yous irritates me is because I come from a family that uses gifts as just something else to hold over your head. Everything has strings attached and it irritates the hell out of me.

Do whatever you want about gift-giving, but please, don't cop a sanctimonious attitude and proceed to hold the lack of a thank-you card over my head and expect me to scrape and beg for another gift. It's obnoxious.

Bagelwoman, calm down. This was NOT a personal attack on you. I'm writing from my experience.

I also come from a family that uses gift-giving as something to hold over your head, and I've found that writing thank yous actually does make a difference in getting along with difficult, defensive people. I have a bunch of relatives that view not getting a thank you within a certain period of time as a capital offense. They actually do care, they actually do get mad, and it makes for some really, really awkward situations at holidays. So I learned a long time ago to just write the thank you. I don't use them to "scrape and beg" for gifts either, I write them because it takes two minutes and it actually is a nice thing to do.

bagelwoman:

"Ok, but why doesn't this go two ways? As in, with all due respect, your assumption that your view is right is just as annoying to me as my assumption that my view is equally valid is to you.

You said that you don't expect thank yous, so why should anyone else? My point is that people do. So if they gave you a gift and expect a thank you, why would you not write them one? What is the harm, for crying out loud?

Hey Laini, sorry for all that spazziness, I definitely did need to calm down. I do know that some people care, but then, I was also responding to your urging to "put myself in their shoes" to see why it should matter, and I really don't care, so I think I kind of got my wires crossed there.

But generally, I do agree it's a perfectly nice thing to do, particularly with grandparents and others who may not be able to hold onto a verbal thank you in the same way.