Oh come on. You're overreacting. If you want to keep your maiden name, great, no problem. But don't get all pissy when people see Jane Doe and John Smith get married and assume that you're now Mrs Jane Smith. It's a common tradition for people to follow. That doesn't make it right or wrong, but it's reasonable to assume that she is now Jane Smith. If you don't like it, then correct them once, politely. If they still get it wrong, well, then who gives a crap about them? Fact of the matter, your husband's just as likely to be getting called "Mr Doe" by people who know him through you or with whom you work. Take a hint from my friend, Dr. John X. He married a woman called Jane Y, who kept her name. I tell ya, if he doesn't get called MR Y all the time-- and is fine with it! If you're annoyed now, then you might want to think about what'll happen if you decide to have kids. You are assuredly going to be called Mrs Whatever The Kids Last Name Is.

Generally speaking, I agree with you. But I will say that many women from the south have a very unique way of letting one know they disapprove of something. My brother moved to the south from the midwest and I visit him and his family there often. While at a casual backyard BBQ at his house, a native of the town made a disparaging remark to me about women who would be seen in public without make-up on their face (and I was sans make-up at the time due spending time outside in 95+ heat). Also, when my teenage niece went to church in what I considered a cute sundress, she was asked by the pastor's wife as well as the organist if she wasn't COLD for heaven's sake so as to express their displeasure about her choice of dress. These comments are usually followed by a bit of a sniff and a look of disdain at having to "remind" we crude Yanks of "proper" behavior. I understand the LW's frustration. It's irritating to be reminded that these women are more "correct" and that we require "enlightenment" by those more proper then we are. I only visit once or twice a year. I would suppose it's even harder when you must live in this somewhat hostile environment.

I have a combination reaction. I've been in the south for awhile, but am not native. I got married (here) in my late 20s (well into my career), kept all the names I had, put his on the end, no hyphen. Professionally, I'm still Ms. Smith; personally I'm Mrs. Doe. Not really any problems. Occasionally, he gets called Mr. Smith (usually an easy way to id a telemarketer). We think it's funny.

But the LW here also seems more than a little snotty ("prevalent family"? If you'd married into an "average family" they'd call you what you want? The follow up comment that amounted to "Oh, those tiresome dinner parties! How shall I survive"? Gee, Scarlett, I dunno). I'm willing to bet on more than one occasion she's reminded the "prevalent family" about the great sacrifice she made for her spouse moving "to this third world country--I mean the south." And most of the fray commenters have seconded that--"OMG! The south?! They're sooo backward there! And they talk funny! And they're mean!" In reality, I'm willing to bet the wrong-namers in LW's life do this to yank her chain since they've seen it works so well, as opposed to some deep-seeded need to take us all back to the 1850s.

Relatedly, no region of the country has a monopoly on assholes, they just go about it differently. I'm more inclined to think rxmatilda's brother's friends are just general assholes (are they all from "prevalent families?" Hee.) rather than the entire region (unless... do they live in Alabama?), or maybe she's doing something to start it--"They're all mean but me!" does sort of arouse my suspicion (again, Alabama disclaimer). Not everybody that lives down here is churchgoing, conservative, provincial, and stupid. If you start out with "Oh, I'm from N-e-w Y-o-r-k, you know where that is? Well, I didn't know you had paper and printing here, let alone maps or the internet! Just wanted to be sure!" yeah, they might be mean to you. And my trips to my native northern state--I have a mixed accent (northerners identify me as southern, and the reverse is also true)--and strangers basically question if I'm literate until they realize I lived there for almost 20 years and then decide I must be "an exception", with my college degrees and all.

But don't get me started on native Californians. Wanna talk about judgmental--"Oh, you're over 30 and haven't had a face lift yet?! Where are your priorities?! And it looks like you're pushing a two-digit dress size there..."

vyreque:

But the LW here also seems more than a little snotty ("prevalent family"? If you'd married into an "average family" they'd call you what you want? The follow up comment that amounted to "Oh, those tiresome dinner parties! How shall I survive"? Gee, Scarlett, I dunno).

Awesome post. The unneeded information people insist on providing (who care's if it's a prevalent family?) is always telling. My guess is in this very same community another woman has kept her name and had zero problems because she didn't make a huge issue of it like the LW did. I'd also bet the majority of her "problems" have been people who simply assumed she was "Mrs. Jones" because they'd never heard differently. And rather than politely correct them, she went into a pretentious speech about how incredibly recognized she is in her field which made changing her name simply impossible, yada, yada, yada.

Miss D. Meanor:

Oh come on. You're overreacting. If you want to keep your maiden name, great, no problem. But don't get all pissy when people see Jane Doe and John Smith get married and assume that you're now Mrs Jane Smith. .

You missed the part where people she's ALREADY corrected keep doing it. That's just plain rude.

Miss D. Meanor, I could not agree with your attitude more. Unless it is my professional license, a process server, or a check I cannot cash, I really care little what name I am called... (I do like to avoid "bitch" unless it is warranted by my behavior)

As for southern ladies supposedly having some snotty way of informing you that you are not as cultured or whatever, the poster who pointed out the prevalence of assholes everywhere is also dead on.

What do I care if some aquaintance of mine is disapproving of my choices? Particularly when it is something as irrelevant as my personal appearance? The choice is to find an equally catty response, or drop it and show the greater social grace. My choice.

I haven't spent much time in the South except on a brief vacation, but I saw enough to recognize that they have a more old-world way of doing things down there where things move more slowly. Of course, they also still display that emblem of humanitarian oppression, the Confederate flag, so I'm not excusing those Southern ways. But I think the geography where this little (very little) drama is playing out makes it loom larger than it probably would in another geographical location.

Our respondent could be a tad oversensitive. She could also enjoy being the fly in the ointment. Fairly or not, I think most men (and their parents) experience a little twinge when a new bride insists on 'staying separate' with her own name. Professionally I can understand retaining one's maiden name. Socially, though, she still IS his wife, and shouldn't be uncomfortable to be known, in non-professional circles as such. She essentially has two identities that are appropriate for different occasions. If she takes such exception to being addressed by her married name, ever, it makes me wonder how eager she really is to be in the marriage. If she were that gung-ho about maintaining their relationship status quo as two distinct individuals, I'm surprised she opted for marriage. By definition, marriage means that two become one and share many things, including a name. There are good reasons for maintaining a separate identity from one's husband--but I think she's taking it a bit far if no one is allowed to ever call her "Mrs."

"Socially, though, she still IS his wife, and shouldn't be uncomfortable to be known, in non-professional circles as such. She essentially has two identities that are appropriate for different occasions. If she takes such exception to being addressed by her married name, ever, it makes me wonder how eager she really is to be in the marriage."

Wow, that's such a different interpretation than how I read it. I did not take my husband's last name for a variety of reasons. I don't consider that I have "two identities" just because I kept my last name. I'm the same person in both my professional and personal life, and the two are not at odds. And I'm delighted for everyone to know who my fabulous husband is, and in the vast majority of social circumstances people can figure that out in spite of having different last names. Really, I'm not trying to hide anything, and I doubt she is either.

What I hear her objecting to is the other women's judgment over her choices. Including, possibly, the judgment you voice - that by not taking his name, she's showing that she doesn't love him or doesn't value her marriage. She also clarified that they think she should have stopped working, which is a pretty big thing to assume to judge for someone else.

If she gets pissy when strangers or casual aquaintances make the mistake, I agree that's obnoxious and she's overly hung up on it. But for people who are doing it intentionally as a way of expressing disapproval and judgment about her life choices, I can see how that would get pretty tiresome. Though in the end, the only thing to do is ignore it and move on.

"If she takes such exception to being addressed by her married name, ever, it makes me wonder how eager she really is to be in the marriage. If she were that gung-ho about maintaining their relationship status quo as two distinct individuals, I'm surprised she opted for marriage. By definition, marriage means that two become one and share many things, including a name."

I'm going to disagree here. Marriage confers all manner of legal rights that shacking doesn't. If I'm in a car accident, I don't want my live in lover to have to prove his power of attorney to see me.

But I am not going to change my name. First, people have a hard enough time spelling and saying my first name, I like having a last name that is simple and obvious, and his last name? It's not simple or obvious.

Just because I'm not going to change my name doesn't mean I have any equivocations about becoming Astronaut's wife, or that I don't want us completely and solidly bonded in every sense of the word. We are already a unit, we're just getting the paperwork. If he weren't totally cool with it I'm sure he would have said something.

The marriage license itself says next to nothing about the kinds of people who are getting it and the kinds of expectations they have of their marriages. We don't want the traditional marriage package, but we do want a marriage. What it will look like is up to us.

bagelwoman:

But for people who are doing it intentionally as a way of expressing disapproval and judgment about her life choices, I can see how that would get pretty tiresome.

As tiresome as the LW flaunting her social status? (Because I'm betting that's what the catalyst is.) Sure there are some thoughtless clods out there, but generally you reap what you sow. My best guess is the family isn't as prevelent as she believes and she's been treating her social peers like pee-ons since Day 1. And some of them have figured out it's really easy to tweak her by "forgetting" her name.

I think if the family is rich (prominent?), other women might look at her and wonder why she wouldn't accept a last name that would associate her with money. After all, wealth is still very much a status symbol, so, in a way, it can seem snooty to reject social status. They probably look at her and think, "Who does she think she is that she wouldn't consider herself lucky to have such a family name!" Maybe also she benefits greatly from her husband's assets, which would also contribute to the surprise that she would be so averse to sharing names with someone who "provides" so much. That was just my take on it.

My other thought was that maybe the letter write should get over herself and stop expecting people's lives to revolve around her name issues. Maybe these women really did just forget. Even if she reminded them before, they may not have cared enough to make a mental note, especially if this is a large social circle. I don't remember the letter exactly, though, so I could be wrong.

Either way, I don't think it's a reason to get offended. No one should care so much about something as stupid as this. It is one thing to keep your name out of convenience or simply liking it better. It is quite another to insist that your name define you. She seems to fall into the latter category, which leads me to believe her attitude is the primary problem.

scrappygirl:

I really care little what name I am called... (I do like to avoid "bitch" unless it is warranted by my behavior)

This made me laugh my ass off. Kudos to you, you sexy bitch!

Sundown:

bagelwoman:

But for people who are doing it intentionally as a way of expressing disapproval and judgment about her life choices, I can see how that would get pretty tiresome.

As tiresome as the LW flaunting her social status? (Because I'm betting that's what the catalyst is.) Sure there are some thoughtless clods out there, but generally you reap what you sow. My best guess is the family isn't as prevelent as she believes and she's been treating her social peers like pee-ons since Day 1. And some of them have figured out it's really easy to tweak her by "forgetting" her name.

LOL, I'd say about equally so if that's what's going on. I actually thought the use of the word "prevalent" was bizarre, as I think of that as meaning common or widespread. If she'd said "prominent" then that would have made more sense. But I do think you're right about what she meant. I could see that as being further explanation for why people think she should take his name or an indication that she's obnoxiously obsessed, and if it's the latter, why they all sound like a lovely group to hang out with!

Oh, heavens, bagelwoman! The LW would be deeply offended at the suggestion she didn't know the right word to use! Of course, you're correct: Prevelent could mean the family is large in numbers, wears loud-colored clothing causing them to always stick out in crowds, or infamous because they're in the police log every week!

Jumping up a post or two, I think this LW is sort of "doubly entitled." She didn't take the prominent last name (yet still wants the respect that comes with it) because she saw herself as being pretty darn prominent in her own right. (Because her colleagues could never, ever figure out that Shirley Jones used to be Shirley Davis; They all go to their high school reunions and stare blankly at people's name tags, I suppose?)

I would guess that even if they get her name correct at parties, it irks her if they don't tag on "the wife of Dr. Richard Jones."