Men (and perhaps some woman) sometimes suffer an even more humiliating fecal conundrum..... clings-ons. The guy with the hairy back often sports a hairy nether region as well. Even those less well endowed with body hair often are overly endowed down south. Thus hairiness gives rise to the occasional retention dingleberry, clinging mightily to one or more of those pesky hairs. Too often to offending turd is not so well compacted. It is more along the viscous lines of soft ice cream.

These situations are delicate, uncomfortable and not without dire consequences if not well managed. The answer is not to wipe, per se, but to find a way to effect 'release' and gravitational droppage. There is toilet dancing whereby the victim makes great and even comical efforts to dislodge said turd. If lucky the dance works, and the relieved happy dancer may proceed on to regular hygiene duties. If not then a usual second course of action is the blind grope, grapple and physical removal of the lingering fecal straggler. This should certainly employ the use of ample toilet paper and a delicate hand. At best this removes most of the beast. At worst only a small part is so captured and the balance is neatly schmeared amongst the carpet of what was once clean anal hair. The subsequent wiping endeavor is significantly hampered with multiple swipes are needed. Too often there is less cleaning and more spackling accomplished. The more lithe victim may proceed to the sink area for follow up, remedial cleansing. They are the fortunate ones. Others face ungodly skid marks, and the fires of perineal irritation.

Therein lies the rub, the smell, the rash and the embarrassment. Ideally the victim will be at home with shower at the ready. At worst the victim is out on a date with now expunged dreams of making late night whoopee. Regardless it is a sticky, dirty situation needing a new and better solution.

Now the comfort wipe is basically a lever. Though Newton might be impressed it is not the best option for this particular situation. What is needed is the Ass-Vac, a task specific gravitational enhancement cling-on capture device. Just think of a neatly curving tube with a soft cone like wedge holding nothing more than a coffee filteresque cling-on capture trap. Attach this tube to a running vacuum source with a interrupter flow director valve. With the proximal end properly located activate the valve for a quick vacuum suck and voila the ugly bugger is now neatly removed and sanitarily captured, hands free.

No more unsightly crusty underwear skid stains. No more lost romantic outings. No more rashes. No more 911 ass cleansings. Ass-Vac, a modern tool for the modern man. The really new and improved system for sanitary bathroom habits.

Thank you, very much.

Excellent! Do I, ahem, smell an unemployed writer with too much spare time?

Not an ambitious writer in the rough but a retired medical person. In my youth when working on research papers I had a professor educated in Yugoslavia. He was a stickler for clearly written papers regardless of their complexity. The idea is to convey important information not to exercise your vocabulary. So satisfying his critical oversight led to a written and verbal communication style concise and painlessly illustrative. You understand what I mean to convey whether it is an invective, humor or pragmatism.