I forgot to mention that in her letter she mentions something along the lines of hurriedly cutting off a telephone conversation w/ her friend because her husband walked in. This was nine months after the affair and after the husband had told her that he was uncomfortable w/ his wifes continued friendship w/ this woman.

So instead of addressing and resolving the husband's issues w/ her continued friendship - which may or may not have been reasonable - it seems she acquiesced and just kept up the friendship in secrecy.

The husband may or may not be a great prize - but the wife is obviously someone who gets off on having stupid little secrets from the guy. She enjoys keeping this fool in the dark about something/anything all the time.

My bullshit pop psych reading of this woman I've never met is that she's kind of a brat. She doesn't have the guts to stand up like an adult and express her desires/concerns in any positive way - she tells people what they want to hear and then she sneaks off and does WTF she wants to do anyway.

The guy should dump her ass, she's needless drama.

I don't know, I think you're projecting a bit. The fact that she kept a secret doesn't meant that she "gets off on having stupid little secrets from" her husband. I actually think that Prudie got it right this time, although I disagree with her that the husband was "extreme" in his asking her to change jobs, when she was working with the boinkee.

Yeah, let's not forget that she didn't tell the husband about the affair, he "found out" and then 9 months later she was still doing things behind his back by sneaking in the call. Even if you think he didn't have a right to tell her to end that friendship....she's still not trustworthy.

I'M a brat.

She's a twit.

If she's so worried about what he's going to say or do when she talks to a friend, then she needs to hit the highway and fast. She didn't cut off the call because she likes "sneaking", she cut it off out of fear, or nerves, or just because she's sick of listening to his whining and bitching about the same thing for the thousandth time.

She knows he's acting like a controlling jerk, and she knows that he is never going to STFU about something that's long since in the past. If she hadn't cheated, he'd have found something else to freak out about. If he really cared about her and the relationship, then he'd have gone to counseling with her willingly and unpacked all of the stuff that goes on when ones spouse has a fling. They might have split up then, but at least they would be in a bullshit-free zone about the emotions involved.

Nope. He's enjoying himself now. He LIKES to see her nervous. He thinks it's fun to make her jump whenever he opens his mouth. If he wasn't getting something out of it, he'd be long gone. It isn't even that he does or doesn't trust her - all he cares about is making her doubt herself now.

He LIKES to see her nervous.

Pre-CISE-ly. And something in her background has trained her to think that's OK.

Sigh. Thanks for not accusing me of being a hysteric with a mean streak, dude. I've been getting that a lot lately....

MessyONE:

Sigh. Thanks for not accusing me of being a hysteric with a mean streak, dude. I've been getting that a lot lately....

I was gonna, but I got my famous homemade buffalo wings to make right now so I'm letting you off the hook.

I'm heading out the door for steak frites.

sounds to me like you are an expert with the problem -

Core to adultery is lying; something the letter writer is still doing. Sounds to me like he needs to dump HER. She's fundamentally untrustworthy and with her attitude she's looking for an excuse to continue committing adultery.

Everyone is acting like her having an adulterous affair is something big but ultimately unimportant ("Dad, I sorta kinda wrecked the car"). I just have a problem with the glib responses - she wronged him, he's trying to forgive but that's just one of those things that require a commitment to forgiveness on a nearly daily basis especially at first, and he is entitled to his feelings of betrayal and no trust. I don't see how that he is asking her to cut off all ties with all friends, just the one that reminds him of the betrayal. I think if the genders were reversed here the advice everybody was dishing out would be quite different: "he cheated on me, and after a really tough time I forgave him and moved on, but he keeps wanting to talk with his guy buddy from that work and it just really really bothers me. Is it so wrong for me not to want to have to be reminded of his screwing a coworker behind my back?"

I'll be honest, I'm not sure I would have been able to get past that one... the only motivation for me would be if children were involved. And even then I'd only be around long enough for them to avoid all the heinous b.s. I've seen in my sister's hiroshima divorce... come time for them to leave the house, I'd be packing up with them. Well, ok, that's in theory at least, life does tend to get messier and more entangling I suppose.

Personally, I suspect that marriage is pretty tainted by her action, and they both might be better off starting over - but as I said, life is complicated. Either way he will never trust another woman the way he truster her when they married, and her second husband will always have a doubt in the back of his mind (like the pregnant lady from last week's column). Maybe he should go screw somebody (or a whole bunch of somebodies, and just "accidentally" let her find out the way he found out), and then let her brain fill up with all kinds of horrible speculations all the time. Might be quite educational. Ah but I'm a bit vindictive, what can I say?

Nah, we're just saying he doesn't get to have it both ways. If he has (as he claims) forgiven her, then that should be the end of it. He clearly hasn't, so HE'S the liar now.

These two should either stay together for eternity like ba says or both run off with civil servants that are going to have good pensions.

He has the right, I think, to need some time to trust her again. I'm not surprised he's not totally comfortable. But no, if it were a woman, and she were saying, "I don't want him to see anyone he worked at in the job where he happened to meet the person he slept with, even if it's a friend who specifically disapproved of what he did," then I'd feel precisely the same way if the genders were reversed. The job is not responsible for the affair; that's silly. That's like saying "you can't play tennis anymore, because this guy played tennis, and tennis makes me think of him." It's too much; being the wronged party doesn't entitle him to do whatever he wants to service his pain. She still has her own needs and her own life, and one of her needs is to have friends.

Incidentally, I don't think the letter says anywhere that she's lying to her husband about anything. Obviously the husband knows she's maintained the friendship; that's why he's been telling her he doesn't like it. She cuts off conversations when he gets home so he doesn't go on about it again, I think.

Tentaculistic:

Everyone is acting like her having an adulterous affair is something big but ultimately unimportant ("Dad, I sorta kinda wrecked the car"). I just have a problem with the glib responses - she wronged him, he's trying to forgive but that's just one of those things that require a commitment to forgiveness on a nearly daily basis especially at first, and he is entitled to his feelings of betrayal and no trust.

Look, you know what, it is something big but ultimately unimportant. If they want a reasonable relationship, anyway. If, however, they want to continue to be resentful, angry, hurt, pissy, shitty and deceitful to one another, then sure, it was the freaking Titanic of horrible actions, complete with the string quartet, shrimp cocktail and inadequate lifeboats.

But, if they want to move one (especially two freakin' years after it ended), they've got to put this affair in perspective. It is like a wrecked car. Get the damned thing fixed and move on, or buy a new model! But leaving the wreck in the driveway is pointless for both parties.

messyone,

you certainly have a cavalier attitude about marriage and relationships and trust.

and where on earth did you make up the BS about "he's enjoying himself now. he LIKES to see her nervous. He thinks its fun to make her jump....." it must be that you have been in a relationship with a guy like the one you describe. there was nothing in his letter that indicated anything like what you have surmised.

smagboy: "...it is something big, but ultimately unimportant....." are you nuts? how can that kind of betrayal be ultimately unimportant?