Good shuts-'em-up-every-time answers:

-Oh, we're still trying to figure out HOW. Would you mind explaining it to us?

-Birth seems like a lot of work. We thought we might just steal one. Do you know of any good places to pick one up?

-Actually, we're currently bidding for a baby on e-Bay. Fingers crossed!

Cute. I like the eBay one, in particular. We went through years trying to have children and had to field lots of these questions, which was definitely uncomfortable. However, while it truly isn't anybody's business, you're going to get these queries from well-meaning people. A pat answer is the obvious choice. Why so many people need to ask advice to come up with that answer is beyond me.

I've been married sans children for several years, and I can't recall anyone ever asking me or my wife (in my presence at least) when we are going to make kids. Is this really that common?

Those are good. I have to ask, though--What exactly is wrong about asking if a couple is planning to have children? Are we not supposed to know they're having sex, or that having sex sometime leads to babies? I do understand that some prospective grandparents might pressure a couple by sneakily worded questions--but why is the simple question out of line?

I agree, I don't see this question as this huge privacy foie-pas that other people seem to. I mean, most couples DO have children... most couples WANT children... most couples have children somewhere in their marriage, so asking your newly married relatives "So, thinking of kids?" is about as commonplace an assumption as "So, thinking of getting new cabinets?" Yes, yes, children are a lot more expensive than cabinets, but I think turning this simple question into an OMG YR INVADIN MAI SPACE!! is a bit on the overreactive side.

Additionally, these are relatives. The older I get, the more convinced I am relatives exist to teach us empathy for even the stupidest life forms, and their sole mission in life is to embarrass me. Frankly, I'd much rather be asked as a newly wed when I'm planning on having children then "You know how to use condoms, right? I've got some here in my purse if you need them."

And like any personal question, it's an obnoxious way to open a conversation. The last time someone (a relative stranger, no less) asked me that question, I was in my mid 30s. I pointed at her tits and asked if they were real.

That's how rude that question is. Get it yet?

"Most" couples DO NOT have children. "Most" couples, if they do want them, have them already. "Most" couples think it's none of anyone's fucking business, including their families, whether or when they'll have kids.

The question was, why?

I don't have kids and never will. When people ask me if I have any, I say, "no," not "not of your fucking business." If they were to ask *why* I don't have kids, that would warrant a rude remark.

Well, at 23, I found out I could never have children. So it's a very sensitive question. I went through a lot of heartache when I found out that my body just couldn't produce children, so it's a heartbreaking question. THAT'S why it's not okay to ask. That's why I don't give a direct answer - because for some reason, "My ovaries just don't work and I've gone through a lot of therapy to deal with the fact that I can't have kids naturally - which makes adoption agencies see me as mentally unstable because I saw a therapist to deal with devastating medical news" is seen as a downer. And, well, I don't like saying it. There's that, too.

It's so easy for those who have children or who don't want children to hear that question and not think anything of it. But for someone who wanted very much to have children and found out they couldn't, for someone who is currently undergoing painful fertility treatments, for someone whose home life is being scrutinized by an adoption agency, it's such an incredibly painful question.

Darn you high school French, you fail me again.

But any casual question can be taken personally, should you so choose. Yes, that answer is a downer, but you can just as easily say "I can't" or "We're trying" or "I don't want kids" or "That's a sensitive topic, how bout we talk about something else?"

Yes, it hurts, but it wasn't the person's intention, for most people it IS a rather toothless inquiry, so why not just treat it as the insubstantial curosity most people mean it to be?

The question I'm talking about is, "Do you think you'll have kids?" What's wrong with "No"? Asking for a reason is a different subject, and I completely agree that it's out of line.

It depends how many times the same person has bothered you with the question. ( I had a woman lecture me about how I wasn't a "real woman" because I had no kids. Another told me I was going to hell. Yet another told me to leave The Boy because I was "denying him the chance to pass on his name" like he's royalty or something - and as if he wasn't in on that decision, too.)

It also depends on your age. When morons who know darn well you're in your 40s and ask the question anyway, you'll want to throw something heavy at them. Trust me on that one.

I'm with you, Messy. The funny thing is, when I was married, no one asked (that I remember). I've been divorced for over 20 years, and one of the notable pleasures of being 54 is (finally) no longer having to listen to: "oh... (sympathetic smile)... you could STILL have children".

MessyONE:

And like any personal question, it's an obnoxious way to open a conversation. The last time someone (a relative stranger, no less) asked me that question, I was in my mid 30s. I pointed at her tits and asked if they were real. That's how rude that question is. Get it yet? "Most" couples DO NOT have children. "Most" couples, if they do want them, have them already. "Most" couples think it's none of anyone's fucking business, including their families, whether or when they'll have kids.

AMEN to that!
I used to get a near-constant stream of "HAVE BABIES" from one side of my family, to the point that one of them even mentioned it in a wedding reception toast, knowing full-well that my ex and DID NOT want children. Lucky for her she had human shields, so she didn't get a glass thrown at her head.

At any rate, whether the person asked wants kids or not, a lot of people find it VERY rude to have someone they aren't close to ask them personal questions like that. You just don't do it, unless you know for a fact that the person won't mind. As it has been pointed out before, the person could have medical issues that make childbearing impossible, so that's a subject best left untouched except by close friends and family who know the whole situation.

The decision on whether to have kids is personal and it also irritates me when people I barely know ask me that.

Let's consider the possible answers that you expect to hear... "soon", "in a few years", "not decided yet". What do any of these answers bring to the conversation? I just think even as "small talk" with a receptive audience it's a pretty useless question that doesn't lead to too many non-invasive follow-ups.

I answer "I am not sure if I want to have 'em" - a fairly honest and not too detailed/blunt statement. Nearly every person that I say this to responds with "you'll change your mind soon", "you should while you still can", "what do you mean you aren't sure you want kids". Nearly always it leads to an uncomfortable discussion where I explain that I just don't have the burning desire to have kids, I don't especially like babies (How can you not like babies? When you have your OWN you will feel differently). Even if I say "not anytime soon" or "not sure yet" I get lectured on how I should start thinking about it and that I am wasting my reproductive years and hear stories about "that one woman I knew who waited for too long and then she had to go through that many fertility treatments".

The question by itself isn't really annoying, it's the fact that the follow-ups are invariably annoying and they always come. By the way if you say "soon" you often get an extended speech about kids, which I don't especially care for either.

Maybe I will have kids, I don't know. I certainly have no wish to discuss it with people I barely know and the likelihood of me making up my mind based on some stranger's unwanted advice is 0. And yes, it comes up a lot, typically with older folks, or people my age that have kids and are on some baby-high.

Oh, if we're talking about hounding someone, that's different. I agree that pests need to get a life.:-)