My first love and I, after 37 years, have reconnected again. We are both married with children. Mine are older and out of school. We have been talking and texting for 3 months now and would like to see each other again.We live 100's of miles apart in different states. He says he has always loved me and has wanted nothing more for me than to be happy. I am in a passionless marriage of almost 30 years and would love to see him again. I broke up with him as I needed to see what else was out there, I was a teen at the time. We already have talked about meeting each other and where we would like to live if things were different. I'm ready to leave my husband and he says he's happy now but to be patient. What do you make of this? I know we need to see each other face to face and see if there is chemistry still there and I believe there is. What to do??

Don’t.

In the meantime, check out this advice column (<link>) over at Salon. Pay especial attention to the letters from readers. While I warrant that your situation is different than the LW’s, the fact is, passion comes from within. You bring passion to a relationship, it doesn’t magically spring up out of the ground, especially between people who have been together for years.

More importantly, every relationship eventually runs free of passion. Did you ever occur to you that the reason you’re so attached to your high school sweetheart is because the thrill is new and exciting, and the POTENTIAL for the relationship is an all consuming force? You haven’t seen this man in person since you were a teenager… so the fantasies of what you could have with him are completely unfounded in real life.

Lastly, get thyself to a marriage counselor. The way you describe it, your marriage doesn’t sound bad… just passionless. The one with a problem here is you, and your need for excitement. By pouring all of your attention into someone else, you’re actually sapping your marriage of whatever passion potential it might have, because you’re busy focusing elsewhere instead of building something with your partner.

So, in conclusion… don’t.

PS: His whole line about “I’m happy but be patient” is complete bait and switch. He could have you waiting for months, years, decades. You are merely his backup plan, sweetheart, for whenever his wife doesn’t happen to make him happy. Is that really the sort of partner you want?

I understand where you are coming from and I will take your advise. My husband has already told me he thought about leaving and I told him I thought about it to. I have tried to be exciting and suprising with him but his excuse is I'm tired. He's always tired. He drinks every night, he is an alcholic and can get verbally abusive at times. I am tired of trying to please him and him not go out of his way for me. I told him 3 months ago I want him to take me on a date. Still no date. I always do the planning and for once I want him to step up and take charge. We have grown apart and I need someone who is going to be there for me and love me. My brain hurts thinking about this!

I feel for you- I was also in a marriage where I felt unloved and neglected. We ended up divorcing (he left) but I have always been glad that I resisted all other temptations until out of the marriage, and need have no regrets or guilt in knowing that I did everything I could to try to make it work.

If you (two) can't make your marriage work, then divorce is a reasonable option. Then when you are free to seek other relationships you can check out your old love, assuming he is also divorced, and free to date. Until then, communicating with this person will just confuse the issue. Forbidden fruit always looks juicier...

Just don't pin your hopes on someone you haven't set eyes on in almost 40 years.

We have unconnected, my friend and I. I will go on and plan my next move alone. I think thats what I need right now anyway.If my heads not on straight I can't make the right decisions and I need me time.

Good going! Hang in there- it does take time, but you'll figure it out. Sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. I wish you the best.