Prudie's suggestion that LW#2 urge his wife to make "healthful" choices in order to slim her down are ignorant and insulting at best, dangerously misguided at worst.

Prudie is not a doctor. Prudie does not know anything about LW2's wife's health, except that she is "overweight" (and we don't even know what the letter-writer considers overweight). To suggest that LW try to get his wife to slim down "for her health" is to make the faulty assumption that skinny = healthy, and fat/chubby = unhealthy, without knowing anything about the actual health of the wife. Does she do a lot of housework? That's exercise. Does she eat nutritious foods, particularly fruits and veggies? Maybe her diet's not so unhealthy...and maybe her body tends toward a curvier shape.

The LW says that he's less attracted to his wife now (although her body hasn't changed; his has). Maybe he can't do anything about his change in attraction, any more than a married person who falls in love with someone new and wants out of the old relationship. If that's the case, he needs to recognize that it's HIS change, not her (lack of change) that is the problem. And he needs to deal with that without making crazy demands on her, at which she is likely to fail (but which he can then blame on her when their relationship ends).

Prudie brings the issue to a whole other level, though. As I noted above, she's not LW2's wife's doctor, and knows nothing about this woman's health. All we know is that she's "overweight," and therefore must be SICK! WRONG! The LW treats this as an aesthetic issue, which, while tacky, is at least honest. Prudie's suggestion that the LW must really just care about his wife's health both excuses his change in attitude (again, it's her fault that she refuses to lose weight despite his sincere concern that she be healthier!!), and assumes that the wife is stupid as well as fat (because no overweight person has *ever* been told that they should drop 20 pounds for their health, even if they have normal blood pressure/high cardiovascular endurance/etc).

Though I agree that the husband should not approach it from a health angle, overweight is overweight. Most of us have a pretty good understanding of weight/age/height ratio, so if he says she is overweight---well, he ought to know.

Extra weight puts stress on many of the body's systems; that is just a fact of life. So pitching it as a health issue is probably accurate, but sneaky. I personally think the wife will see right through it.

Ummm, a bit of an overreaction maybe? The LW's wife's health is probably fine, and if so, there is no downside to inviting her out biking or walking or whatever - either she won't go and she'll still be OK, or she will and she'll feel more energetic. No matter what your weight, eating well and getting exercise do make you feel better.

If the wife had any 'real' health problems (I agree that being overweight is not necessarily a health problem) the LW would have mentioned it in the letter, or written an entirely different letter. Chances are pretty overwhelming that she's healthy enough, even though she's on the plump side (I say this as an overweight, but not obese, person who is in excellent health and enjoys biking, hiking, walking and snorkeling and chows down on leafy greens).

There's no dangerous downside to the husband inviting the wife to participate in various activities with him, at least not health-wise. If she picks up that the real reason is that he finds her overweight, there's a huge emotional downside, but that would have come out anyway if she's married to a guy who thinks she's unattractive.

Though I have some sympathy for people who consider 'must be slim' to be a dealbreaker in their relationships (I don't agree with it and don't like it, but I respect that everyone has their own inner guidelines of what is bottom-line attractive - get it? bottom line? - and no good can come of trying to force them to change their desires)...I have zero sympathy for the LW. He married her when she was more or less the same size as she is now. If he loved her then and doesn't find her pretty now, that's his own darned fault as well as being the worst kind of shallow...the "I got with you when I couldn't do better because of my own appearance. Now that I look great, I want an upgrade." Argh.

I kind of hope the wife picks up on these feelings of his and cuts him loose, freeing her to find someone who appreciates her.

And losing only 10 - 15% of your body weight can mean the difference between a long life and death from a stroke.

You might FEEL pretty good when you're younger and overweight, but don't kid yourself and don't try and pretend that that means you're healthy. The only thing going for young people is that they haven't been around long enough for problems to manifest. And they will manifest, make no mistake. A lot of people seem to be hunting for excuses not to lose weight. They're all bullshit.

The health argument is a good and correct one, but if the LW thinks he can "make" his wife lose weight he's in for a surprise. She has to do that on her own. Here's hoping she doesn't wait until her first heart attack to figure that out.

She could very well be a size 9, not a size 19.

Hubby might be comparing her to the anorexic gym girls.

Many men (I dare say MOST) are very good at blaming something external for the lack of desire because they are too insecure to say out loud the truth of it .... that MOST of them get bored having sex with the same woman no matter WHAT kind of shape the woman is in. I suspect this is the case. Just because he's (back) in great shape doesn't mean his libido is, and it is so much easier to point the finger of blame at the woman rather than do the hard work of looking at oneself to examine why he doesn't desire her as much any longer.

She may or may not be overweight. She may or may not be healthy. That's not the issue. He doesn't comment on whether or not HER desire has changed. HE is the one with the problem ... not her.

The core issue isn't that Hubby's so concerned about his wife's health. Her high-stress lifestyle and extra weight probably do present some potential health problems; they also present a convenient mask for Hubby to pretend a selfless motivation while actually his real complaint is a more selfish one: he thinks she's too fat to turn him on. In a nutshell. All this posturing about being concerned for her health is a smokescreen.

I think this marriage is in trouble based on the fact that they've only been married for three years and already he is so dissatisfied with her. In my opinion, she could lose the weight and he will probably find something else to be unhappy about . . .her boobs, her hair . .her muscle tone; it will always be something. Sounds to me like he's turned into a Marty, the contestant from the Biggest Loser who lost 100 pounds and then ditched the wife who'd stood by him while he was fat in favor of a newly-slim fellow contestant.

This guy needs to think long and deep about whether having a Size 2 wife is more important than having a wife who has loved him through thick and thin (literally). If he never loved her body it's a shame he didn't say so three years ago. He may be thin now, but he's still an asshole.

In fairness to our LW above, I have reread his letter several times, and feel the need to retract calling him an asshole. It might not be quite that bad . . .yet. However, I still find him to be a little disingenious. He claims he still finds her funny, beautiful and intelligent, and that his one issue is not feeling physically attracted to his wife the way he wants to. As he put it, he wants to feel both love and lust for her. But he doesn't comment as to whether he's only stopped feeling lust for her since he got thin,while she's still fat and disgusting . . .or, whether this lack of desire has been an issue from the get-go. He says they've 'been a couple' for about three years--which could actually mean that they are still newlyweds, as far as being married goes. If they've been together so brief a time and he's already experiencing desire issues, I predict they will have a rough go of it as the years go by. She could take his suggestions and lose the weight . . .but what if she gets pregnant? How's he going to react then?

He says he doesn't know how to tell her this issue is bothering him so much, but I'd be willing to wager that she already knows. He does need to have a conversation about it--but he needs to soften that blow by presenting a healthier lifestyle as a gift they can give each other. Maybe his gym regime won't work for her--maybe he could give her a Curves membership where it's an all-women environment. How about gift certificates for couples cooking lessons? There are companies that will cook healthful meals and deliver them right to your door. Rather than focusing solely on his desired end result (a skinny, hot wife), he needs to think about how he can contribute to the process of getting her there, in a fun and non-judgemental atmosphere.

I've seen the suggestion elsewhere that he should encourage a gym membership, etc. Wait just a doggone minute. She doesn't like that environment. Maybe he should figure out what she would like that would be of benefit - take a dance class together, self defense, tennis lessons-- what does SHE like. Why isn't she willing to do things together - is she exhausted from working, commuting and then cleaning while he takes those long bike rides? He changed because opportunity was available for him to change. So give her the opportunity and make it fun for her. As I stated elsewhere, you can not nag someone into changing to be what you want them (hey guys, isn't that your complaint, your wife/s.o. nags you?) If this is so damn important to him, then if she likes window shopping, he should go window shopping every weekend. Garage sales are starting, go do that, flea markets are opening, go do that (and frequently farmers markets are part of flea markets, so you can buy the healthy veggies and fruits as part of your day.)

Lust comes and goes throughout a relationship. Maybe he should be exploring why he was interested in the beginning....

karmabottle, I agree with everything you said and, therefore, disagree with the original poster. I do wish the article has some specifics about the wife's height/weight, because without it, we're just left to guess.

I think an important point here is, even if she is overweight, he cannot really make her lose weight effectively. She has to want it herself.

Consider this, if you've ever been on a diet/excercise plan, some of the decisions that you need to make aren't necessarily pleasant. Let's say you want a cookie. It's much better if your reason for not eating that cookie is "no I am on a diet, I want to be healthier and better so I won't eat it" than "no I can't eat this cookie or I will get more fat on my belly and my husband will be repulsed by looking at me". Basically the spouse will be associated with every unpleasant diet-related choice that you make.

I made it a choice early on not to make weight an issue in my relationship. I do encourage healthy lifestyle, but I just don't feel that I want to take on the role of diet enforcer, it just doesnt' work. By the way after years together he suddenly decided to go on a diet by himself (without telling me!) and dropped 20 lbs with minimal effort. The only way I notice weight changes (losses OR gains) is by looking at pictures, in bed or in our daily life I don't feel a difference. Apparently his motivation is to look good on a couple of events we'll be attending this summer, and it's not a great motivation, but hey, whatever works and maybe he'll stick to his plan.

I know another couple where the guy is fairly overweight. His fiance consantly tries to make him lose weight and it just doesn't work. He eats huge lunches at work. He sneaks entire meals in between the salads that he eats with her. On a recent get-together he asked me to stand guard and (attempt to) block him while he EATS COOKIES OUT OF THE BOX BEFORE WE EVEN HAD DINNER. There is seriously nothing more pathetic than a grown man or a woman who has to sneak food in secret from their SO.

Claina:

There is seriously nothing more pathetic than a grown man or a woman who has to sneak food in secret from their SO.

I'd rather be with a happy fat guy who dies a few years early than with a miserable skinny guy who lives forever. Besides, I've known plenty of apparently healthy people who died young, from accidents, prolonged illnesses like cancer, or quickly from things like unsuspected heart disease (after a morning run!)

While I agree with you in theory, Berkolate, that one can be technically overweight and have great blood work, you have to be physically active to get that no matter what your shape. And the LW describes a woman so overwhelmed that she doesn't do anything more physically strenuous than household chores. I happen to have some experience with women like this in my own family, and it *is* a set up for diabetes and heart problems — not to mention depression — in the years to come.

It is no fun when you can't do much after 50 because you have spent your life as a stressed-out worker bee and concentrated solely on the bare minimum of keeping up the house and yard because you are looking forward to, say, doing more work to catch up at night, maybe fitting in a chapter of a book, turning in early, then heading back to work at 6:30 a.m. the next day.

If the LW is able to help wean his wife from this sort of lifestyle to one where she feels freer and less-stressed (and, depending on her personality, that may not be possible no matter what job she has), and gets her out and about and physically active and eating lots of fruits and veggies that is one thing. But I doubt he sees her stress like he sees her belly.

Exactly - I completely agree that it's not so healthy to be stressed, sitting at a desk all day and having no time to do active things. When you're in that situation, *maybe* you can find working out in the morning or after work to be relaxing...but if your husband is nagging you in a non-too-subtle way to get the the gym, chances are you'll view it as one more stressful task to pack into your day.

I think, in a more charitable light, that Prudie's comments could be aimed at trying to push the LW to be more considerate of his wife, her health and stress, etc. On the other hand, it won't ultimately be about her health so long as her weight, and not how she feels, is the measure of success. An earlier poster in this thread captured that problematic attitude when s/he wrote that whatever the wife's size, she could probably stand to lose a few dress sizes. It's this attitude (that smaller=healthier, no matter where you start) that bugs me in this discussion. In fact, given the recent reports on negative health outcomes of yo-yo dieting (worse for you than just staying overweight) and the USDA report here that women on conventional diets do tend to gain their weight back, there's a good chance that hubby's pressuring his wife to drop weight might actually be bad for her health.

QuietGirl:

Lust comes and goes throughout a relationship. Maybe he should be exploring why he was interested in the beginning....

This is the crux of the issue. Everything about the weight and the woman's health and bloodwork results is almost beside the point. He's high on endorphins from working out, and at the exact same moment that he's been with her long enough to get a little bored sexually.

So, to those who say he's a shallow cad (and I'm not agreeing or disagreeing), is the answer to tell him to "fake it 'till you make it" in the bedroom? Should he be trying to reprogram his desire triggers? Suggestions?

I think this letter belongs at Savage Love, not Dear Prudence.