Excuse me but did you actually read the letter the lady wrote?e

She seemed to me to be asking for some very simple, basic manners and chores from teenagers. Asking someone to pick up after themselvesand not be disrespectful is not nagging, its PARENTING. Enforcing consequences, like grounding, when those basic expectations are not completed is also called PARENTING.

A father who says "ignore it, its only a year till the oldest goes to college"---NOT the writer by the way, is asking for trouble when that child goes away to college and cannot function in society, keep her room/ap;artment neat, and be respectful to professors and potential employers.

In my opinion, if more people actually made their children and stepchildren behave, be respectful and responsibile, we would have a lot fewer social ills in this country.

LW is not a parent, she's only the girlfriend.

Well hes clearly not being a parent either.

I dont know about you, but expecting a child who lives in my home to be respectful and clean up after themselves, seems totally reaosnable to me. Hells bells, I was expected to do all of that at school camps, at school, college...why should the LW have to expect less in her own home?

The jerk here is the dad. He moves in a girlfriend who clearly doesn't like or want his kids, and without making an effort to prepare either kids or girlfriend for the experience.

For all we know she's live-in girlfriend # 5, and his kids have figured out they can just ignore dad's latest lady friend because soon she'll be gone.

Algae, who cares if she's "only the girlfriend", it's her home too an she only wants what you would want, respect and for the kids to clean up after themselves. I'd like to know what you would do in such a situation, and please spare me self righteous BS that we both know you would not do in the real world.

However, the grounding thing is off-base and something they need to agree on in the first place.

"I dont know about you, but expecting a child who lives in my home to be respectful and clean up after themselves, seems totally reaosnable to me."

The children don't live in her home, she lives in the children's home. If the dad isn't commited enough to the relationship to even bother marrying this woman then why should she have any parental authority over the kids? Personally as a teacher I'm tired of seeing moms and dads putting their new boyfriends/girlfriends over their own children. I can't tell you how many kids I've seen who are living with their grandparents because they can't get along with mom/dad's newest girlfriend/boyfriend; usually one of a long string of girlfriends/boyfriends.

This woman (who seems to be thrilled about the fact that she can't have kids herself) has no call to try to parent these kids. Just because she's dad's live-in girlfriend doesn't give her any type of authority over the kids.

Having "been there and done that" as the saving goes, it sounds like neither of these adults did much thinking about the consequences of their relationship, it's impact on the kids or how they were going to manage to live together as a family.

If the kids truly are slobs, then the girlfriend is not being unreasonable, the real issue has less to do with neatness than it does with all of them learning to respect each other.

To a lesser degree, I am living the LW's life. My husband did not have custody of his children but we had them in our house frequently, and my husband maintained financial responsibility for his daughters. I think Prudie missed the point somewhat in her response. Step-parents are NOT parents, and PARENTS must have the ultimate responsibility for their children's discipline and behavior, NOT the Steps. It seems that Dad is allowing less than stellar behavior out of divorce guilt (something I've seen often) and therefore, Step-girlfriend feels she must step in. Frustrating as it may be, they are not HER children and no matter how RIGHT she may be, they are not going to respect her ... at least not until Dad show how that works.

LW has two choices. Cool off and stay out of it, and the daughters will probably go away eventually (which I doubt is possible given the tone of her letter ... her staying out of it, I mean). Dad is going to reap the seeds being sown now. My husband has a very cold relationship with his daughters as they only contact him when they need money. His "hands off" approach (his feeling was "they'll contact me if they need me") has resulted in them drifting farther and farther away from him. I was available and friendly but they were never interested in a relationship with me, and this was further complicated by the fact that their mother worked hard to make sure that the only information they received about their father and me was negative.

Choice two is get out now because she cannot tolerate a living environment over which she has little control. You can't teach respect .... you can only demonstrate it and earn it. Difficult with teenagers under the best of circumstances ... impossible with a "hands off" father in the picture.

Her boyfriend is making sure that whatever she asks the kids to do, they don't have to do. He is consistently undermining her, and is busy being the kids' "buddy" rather than their dad.

She moved in with a man who she KNEW had teenaged daughters, who she KNEW didn't like her and she KNEW that he let them walk all over him. If she couldn't figure out that her status in that household would be somewhere below the termites in the bathroom BEFORE she was stupid enough to move in, then there's no one that can help her.

She's just another idiotic female that has to have ANY man, no matter how foul a deal she's getting. I have no sympathy. If he loved her, they'd be married already and he would back her up on the house rules. As it is, she has to either suck it up or move on.

Got it?

Messy,

I agree to some degree, but the real situation is probably far different from what either envisioned. The father is such a weinie here and not being a parent, and she needs to decide whether or not this is something she can live with. I disagree with the respect thing, I think it's something you should always go in with, it's just good manners treating each other decently, but is certainly lost when it's demonstrated one isn't worthy and there is the difference. In a civilized society, basic respect is to be lost, not earned.

She's not allowed to be a parent because she isn't one! My daughter had a similar situation but the man and his teen daughter moved in with her and her preteen daughter. She had complained about his lax parenting before they moved in (and should have been a red flag). My daughter didn't even talk to the teen about her disrespect or behavior, only insisted the girl's father declare silence after 11 p.m., etc. My granddaughter was complaining bitterly about having to do numerous household tasks while the teen did nothing but demand things. After 3 months of abusive behavior by the teen and suggesting and modeling good parenting techniques, the love of her life became a thorn in her side and was asked to leave.

Anyone who would move in with this lax father needs to move out and not look back!

darkrhavyn:

Asking someone to pick up after themselvesand not be disrespectful is not nagging, its PARENTING. Enforcing consequences, like grounding, when those basic expectations are not completed is also called PARENTING.

However, she is NOT THEIR PARENT. Tonight, when I got home from work I kicked off my shoes, purse, sunglasses, backpack, jacket and keys in a pile by the front door. It's what I've always done. Certainly, some people might find that a problem but it seems efficient to me. Were someone to tell me, "Hey, I'm an adult and I'm fucking your dad, you'd better clean that shit up." I'd certainly tell them where to stick it. Granted, 17 was many years ago, but I doubt that my attitude would be any different.

Essentially, the LW is a woman who has moved into the teenagers' home and she expects them to confirm to her standard of housekeeping and listen to her, merely because she is older than they are and boning their dad. Does this really seem reasonable? I think not.

darkrhavyn:

A father .... is asking for trouble when that child goes away to college and cannot function in society, keep her room/ap;artment neat, and be respectful to professors and potential employers.

I've never really been a neat person, nor a person who has tolerated "I'm an adult, listen to me!" However, my transition to college was fine. I had no problems with any professors, and during the four years when I worked as an engineer (which is what I'd describe as a real job, as opposed to the other jobs I have had) I had no problems. The children the LW describes are probably perfectly reasonable teenagers. That means they are angsty little shits, but I doubt that they are worse than anyone else.

mas_tequila:

Algae, who cares if she's "only the girlfriend", it's her home too an she only wants what you would want, respect and for the kids to clean up after themselves.

Yes, but the question is, does she have the right to order them to do so? I've had roommates before, and let me tell you, had I ordered them around in this manner they'd have laughed at me like I was a monty python special. Certainly, it would be nice if the teens cleaned up after themselves. Acting like she's a god given authority isn't going to make that happen.

No - ordering around is not the thing to do. I think she is frustrated and inexperienced, hence her letter to Emily, which has done no good whatsoever. Thanks again Emily for absolutely no help!!! Only sarcasm and a judgmental rant to someone asking for advice!!! God why doesn't Slate fire her ass???

mas_tequila:

Thanks again Emily for absolutely no help!!! Only sarcasm and a judgmental rant to someone asking for advice!!! God why doesn't Slate fire her ass???

Because her job isn't to dispense advice. Her job is to enterain people enough that they hang out, and maybe click on an ad or two. If someone wants actual advice, the dumbest thing to do is to write an advice columnist.