Why do people enter into, and stay in, abusive relationships? Because abusers are good con artists.

Like a con artist, an abuser has something to gain from exploting others. Usually it's not money, although in some cases it may be. It's generally about power and control, and/or getting off on another person being emotionally or materially dependent upon them.

A good con artist can spot a "mark" for whatever their game is. Abusers are good at that too. They are able to find people who are needy and insecure, who have martyr complexes, who are too proud to admit they have a problem even when it's a very serious problem. Some people, for whatever reason, are just easy suckers for abusers.

When the abuser finds a mark, then the long con starts. They begin by playing nice, convincing the intended victim that they are a wonderful, trustworthy person. Once the victim is attached to them, or maybe addicted to them, they start subtly undermining her (or him), making the victim doubt their own intelligence, competence and judgment. They convince the victim to cut him or herself off from friends and family. The abuser presents their "wonderful" persona to the outside world so that no one will believe them capable of physically or emotionally abusing people in their family.

Look at this whole Chris Brown and Rihanna business. There are a lot of teenage girls out there who think Chris Brown is so nice and wonderful that Rihanna must have done something really bad and deserved getting beaten. Now that's a good con artist - one who doesn't even keep the abuse secret, but has a whole lot of people (including the victim) on his side, not seeing him for what he really is.

Masquerading and mind games are part of any abuser's tactics. Victims stay with abusers because by the time things start getting really bad, the abuser's got such a grip on their minds that he could convince the victim that down is up, day is night, and that they deserve to be treated like crap.

So what's the issue with women who DO know the signs and DO know that staying with that asshole is stupid, and who DO go on to marry the guy, even AFTER he's hit them? What is that? Are women so weak/stupid/credulous that they're somehow compelled to let this go on? What is this, anyway? Are women so busy casting themselves as victims who can only be acted upon that they've forgotten that they can act?

I cry bullshit. I think that we need to educate all women and girls on the basics of respecting themselves and the rights of others. I think every girl should have a t-shirt, a tattoo and a daily mantra that says: You are NOT allowed to hurt me! It's not complicated.

And for those women who stay with an abuser "for the sake of the kids", I have news for you. Your kids, as young as they might be, already hate you for it. You are doing them no favors and will end up alone after they decide that you are so selfish that you didn't bother to consider what your wallowing in your own problems is doing to them.

Wow, MessyONE, way to be compassionate and encourage the abusee that she/he is worthwhile and strong enough to leave.

I don't think it's news that the children are always victims in abusive relationships between their parents. I think what is new is the number of alternatives to get out that are becoming realistically available in the last 20 or 30 years. Not everyone area has a shelter, or well-educated law enforcement, or economic opportunity at the snap of the fingers. There are a lot of dead women in this country who believed that the system would do its part and keep the abuser away ... but it doesn't.

Extraordinary people have always escaped from intolerable situations, but it's the rest of us who can provide supportive services to each other to make successful escape not just a hope but a reality.

After the victim(s) are safe and learning to be unafraid, the healing can begin.... maybe by learning to forgive their mother who did the best she could, even if it wasn't good enough.

.... maybe by learning to forgive their mother who did the best she could, even if it wasn't good enough.

There is no forgiving a parent who has been such an abject failure as to deliver his or her child into the hands of an abuser. Further, how could such a parent forgive himself or herself? What greater responsiblity, what more basic duty, could one have in life than to prevent this? What could one possibly do to atone?

You have an excellent grasp on whats going on with abusive relationships except when you start talking about the psychology of the abused people, the "marks". Thats when you start trotting out the standard myths with flowery language and justification. See there actually has been no study that has found that abusers seek out those with low self esteem, actually they seek out normal people with relatively high or middling self esteem because they're more fun to break. The quivering clingy messes you describe are actually the result of abuse. Nothing kills self-esteem like unpredictable undermining relationships with Jeckyll/Hyde types.

I've noticed in most of my conversations with people who haven't done any research on DV there comes a point of confusion with what women are like before and after battery. Some people, for whatever reason, seem to think that some people are predestined for abuse because of some stable characteristic that this unfortunate person has. They can't tell the difference between the effects of abuse on a person and their stable personality. Its almost like they think that since battered women form a categorical group after the abuse, they must have formed a categorical group before the abuse as well. That's just a cognitive illusion.

You know what makes women targets for these abusive con artists? Bad luck. You just want to think you're too smart to find yourself in that situation. And I guarantee there has been more than one strong confident woman who felt exactly the same way that you did until that first sucker punch shattered her sense of control.

Otherwise, your post was right on.

I grew up in a household that someone as sheltered as you clearly are would probably think is fiction. My father verbally and mentally abused my mother and siblings, but saved the beatings for me. No. He did not drink. No. We were not rich, but we were not suffering. No. I didn't "ask" for it. Unless a three-year-old can cause offense enough to get kicked in the head by a grown man, that is. No. I never went to a hospital. Yes. I did tell people, all of whom told my father about it.

I hated my father. Up to that point, the most fun party of my life was his funeral. I hated my mother, because she never even tried to protect me. Never. Not once. Not even when I left home at 17. Not when I begged for money because I was literally starving. (Not that you'd know what that's like, I'm guessing).

I never asked for help after that. I got my degree, got a job, got married, moved a bunch of times, and I've not spoken to my mother since June of 07. Oh, and the REASON she chose to stay and screw up her children's lives? That's a good one, you'll like it a lot. "I'm Catholic. We don't divorce."

I've heard all of her excuses, just as I've heard the excuses of other women who stay with abusers and let their children grow up in hell. There is NO excuse for that. NONE. Women who stay are as guilty of abusing their children as the men who are doing the actual hitting. Women who stay train their children that violence is acceptable. These women are as much to blame for continuing the cycle of abuse as men are. By choosing to stay, they tell their kids that they have no value.

I know that you are now going to accuse me of being mentally ill and suggest that I need counselling for my "anger", as if after all this time. I know all of the buzz words, I know that you'd really like to think that I'm just being nasty. It would make you feel better to think those things, but it would be a lie.

You need to face reality. You need to stop treating women like idiots who can't help themselves. You need to acknowledge that women are NOT children, but actors in their lives, responsible for their actions and are required to take care of themselves not only for their sake, but for their kids.

Absolutely on the money, MessyOne. Mothers who close their eyes to abuse of any kind of their children have failed in their fundamental task, and they are teaching their children they have no value. Then years later they wonder why their children don't call them or visit them.

I agree! While I didn't get hit, my abuser knew that he could get away with grabbing me too hard and saying I bruised too easily. Or saying it's only because he loved me so much and was protecting what was his. While I thought that was not a good excuse, I forgave him because it was out of passion. I thought, I came in too late, he is not used to an independent woman, maybe I should be more thoughtful. But I still called the police, filed a report and chose not to press charges. I should have though, because he continued until I left with these games.

I watched on Oprah, the abusive men tell about "grooming" the women at first. Breaking them down emotionally, making them feel guilty for everything so by the time the man blows up, the woman feels like it was her fault somehow. What makes them really good con artists is that they are lying to themselves, these men really believe they are the victims many times and lose sight of another human beings rights and boundaries.

I am sorry for your pain. In my family my mom was the abuser and my dad was the passive one. I did one of the best things I ever did for my self and that was to get counseling. However; by the time I did reach out for counseling I had a serious case of PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder) combinded with clinical depression. These kinds of issues lead to other health problems and the list is very long.You have done well for your self and did the right thing by leaving. My husband also came from a family much the same, we work on our problems each day and we talk about them.

I think it is more of a socialtal (hope I spelled that right). Because this is acceptable behavior, and then everyone acts so surprised when one spouse kills the other. It is not a surprise, it is we as a society don't expect better behavior. Here recently, the Iraq, they recently passed a law that it is ok for husbands to rape their wifes. This is the law, and this is acceptable in their culture. So, these become acceptable, and I think that religion has been a big culprit in this...ie: Catholic....just look at history read some history on their purifications and burning innonecent people at the stake and what they tried to do to Queen Elizabeth....

I again am very sorry for your pain and I hope that you find peace and solace somewhere. You are the master of your desinty and you can make your life different and it does not mean you will not have times that will fall into the learned behavior, but you will gain the skills to function on a better level. I hope this does not make you angry, but I hope that it will give you some relief and knowing that others have come from that kind of home life too and survived. You are choosing not to be a victim....victim implies inablity to correct the problem...you are a survior and that means you will have victory over the torture you suffered at your fathers hands and mothers inablity to deal with reality.

I wish you the best.

Thanks sweetie, but I'm just fine. I figured out by the time I was ten that none of this was about me and just tuned them out. Not something most kids could do or would if they could, but I just decided that they couldn't touch the core of me and that was the end of it. I did my own thing and survived quite nicely in the end.

I get really annoyed at some women who refuse to own their mistakes. You know what? Marrying an abuser is a mistake. I'm someone that would tell them to quit whining about "victimhood" and fix the damn problem already.