LW#1 - Yours is one great letter, seriously. It provides so many possibilities in responding that it is difficult to know where to begin. One could try to be scientific and point out that having children is not like cloning. The blending of genes is a chaotic process, and thus a child may or may not actually resemble one of its parents. (To improve your odds, though, you could always try to seduce George Clooney during one of your fertile cycles. Good luck with that.) One could also be moralistic and suggest that perhaps you should not be sleeping with, and certainly not marrying, a man you believe should effectively be sterilized to prevent him from polluting the human gene pool. (Did you never see - or read - Beauty and the Beast? The moral of that story wasn't how hot the chick was, you know.) One could also be logical and point out that your suggested solution is ineffective - or, more directly, STUPID -since you won't have any idea what an adopted child will look like either. (Sorry, but you can't just order them from the Nieman's catalog). One could resort to hoary cliches that you must have missed while you staring in your mirror, timeless adages like "beauty is only skin deep" or "ugly men need love too." (Or perhaps we could coin a new saying like "someday you will be fat and wrinkled like everyone else, you know.") Or one could just be practical and state that you, my dear, lithe and lovely as you may be at this fleeting moment of your life, are nevertheless one seriously stuck-up bitch.

LW#2 - A theme emerges. The boyfriend in the first letter is physically defective, while your boss is merely an emotional cripple. It may not have come up yet, but just in case it does I suggest that you first make it clear that you are unwilling to bear this man's children since you are (a) far too beautiful to share your genes with him and (b) already married with children of your own. (Is your husband handsome? Perhaps you could lend him to LW#1. Just for a little while, of course). Next, ask yourself whether this is actually a serious problem or whether you are overreacting. Is your boss just assuming a level of friendship that you don't yet reciprocate or is he telling you in intimate, painstaking detail how his wife finds him so unattractive that she refuses to have sex with him on the off-chance that she might get pregnant and thus propagate his hideousness? If the latter, I suggest you get a new job. Neither lovers nor bosses respond well to "Ewwww! Get away from me!"

LW#3 - Today is a treasure trove! Freegan, you say? There is some merit to your sister's point about wasted food, but it doesn't - or shouldn't - extend to salmonella-infested garbage On the other hand, your sister and your parents are all adults who can decide for themselves what they want to eat, so grab a snack before you go to visit and try to focus on what really matters. At least your sister has not yet been impregnated by someone less attractive than she is. Bringing comfort to the handsomeness-impaired might appeal to her activist instincts, so be vigilant. (Thank you LW#1 for a gift that just keeps on giving).

LW#4- This is really pretty simple. Since you have no interest in marrying Larry, and you don't work for Larry and want to keep your job, YOU actually can say: "Ewwww! Get away from me!" Teenage boys tend to be even more sensitive to humiliation than fiances and bosses, so my guess is that it would be pretty effective at making your point. Alternatively, you could tell Larry that you have become a freegan and invite him to lunch at the dumpster behind the school. Even "odd" kids usually don't like eating trash. And whatever else happens, please be sure not to have Larry's children. If we are ever going to create a Master Race in this country we must stop our women from breeding with sub-human defectives!

I think I would refrain from the, "Ewwww...get away from me!" with the high school kid unless you are looking to create another Columbine-style shooter. This kid is obviously emotionally retarded and won't handle that well. Go to the counsellor and let them do their job by intervening. Sometimes the thing teenagers need to learn is that even as adults they can't always handle every life situation by themselves...that they need to know when to ask for help...and this is one of those times.

Beautiful answers.

Re. LW#1: If I remember Beauty and the Beast (Disney version, of course), wasn't one of the opening songs about how strange she was - but no bother, because she was beautiful? "A beauty but a funny girl..." I think.

Actually, the view of most of the townsfolk is that her intellect and oddness detract from her beauty and make her unmarriageable. Only the shallow, dim-witted Gaston is willing to overlook her bad habits like "reading," because she is so beautiful. Too bad he dies at the end, or LW1 would have her man.

Tex, I like your take on all these letters. You sound like my kind of guy.

itsmyparty:

Re. LW#1: If I remember Beauty and the Beast (Disney version, of course), wasn't one of the opening songs about how strange she was - but no bother, because she was beautiful? "A beauty but a funny girl..." I think.

Well, almost. They only think she is funny because she reads books and wants more than their tiny backwater town has to offer. Undoubtedly, this is how the LW views herself as she reads the latest issue of Us magazine. "If only more people were cultured like me. How can they be so ugly and clueless?"