If the husband was talking about sleeping with another woman at the time, who's to say he didn't do it after they were married? Perhaps he's being so nice to her now because he feels guilty for something he did wrong. I think the LW is perfectly within her right to be upset and she should confront him about what she found. I don't think the hubby deserves any sympathy, because if kids were such a "no no" then he wouldn't have dated and married the LW. If he makes a choice that's against his standards, that's his fault, not hers. I think Prudie isn't taking the problem seriously enough. Infidelity, even if it happened in the past, is nothing to brush off.

if kids were such a "no no" then he wouldn't have dated and married the LW.

Obviously it wasn't too big a deal, because he continued to date, and then marry her. And dating is just that. Dating. Unless you profess or imply exclusivity, dating others doesn't equal infidelity.

It was at the beginning of their dating relationship, it should STAY there. When I first started to date my husband, I wasn't at all "in" to him. But a few years of dating and 35 years of marriage later, I'm glad he can't find out what my thoughts were when we first started dating! Geez, not everyone falls in love at first site, but that does NOT rule out long lasting love! As for his opinion on children, most young single men don't WANT to find a woman who has children. A friend of mine had a house full of cats, you'd be hard pressed to find a man looking for a woman with a house full of cats! But once the men fall for her, they fall for that extension of her as well, her love for her cats. Otherwise, they definitely would not stick around nor propose. Same with children.

As for whether or not her husband slept with another woman when he first began dating his wife, how is that a problem now? How is that infidelity? He wasn't in an exclusive relationship with either woman. He didn't say that he went to the woman's place, just posted that he intended to go. So what? He obviously fell for the woman to whom he is now married, he is happy, she is happy, but if she harbors this hurt, there could be a problem. He can't change the past, he has done NOTHING to reflect that he is anything other than a loving, doting husband/father, and she needs to let this go. Her ego is hurt because he posted this and strangers read it. She needs to laugh about it and tell her husband he ought to post a retraction -- dated years later, for those posts! It should be done tongue-in-cheek, but nonetheless, it will help her to feel better.

Men are such scum, and you are too good for any of them.

If he is sleeping around now, she should dump him. I get the feeling that he's just a pathetic loser, who's trying to look like he's got such a happening life, with these chicks, just dying to boink him.

What?????

He expressed on a public online forum that he wasn't totally into her. That he wasn't really looking for a serious relationship and kids were not what he was interested in. I am sorry but as of a year ago, I would say the same thing about the kids and yet right now, I have a girlfriend that has 3 daughters and I care for each deeply. I recognized and accepted that it was a package deal with my girlfriend. There were relationships that I knew that it wasn't anything more than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship because we were not compatible as a couple. People change as time goes by. It happens.

Infidelity??? What infidelity??? He was thinking about going to some other woman's place. We don't know if anything happened and it was really early in the couple's dating. Dating is all about people finding out if they are right for each other. Obviously the two of them were because fast forward, they married, had kids and now she decided to check up on his website and see what he posted. All I gotta say is that she needs to talk to him.

I'll take it a step further and suggest she seek professional help to better understand her insecurities and need to take things to a place that will cause her pain! Nothing that has happened should have caused her this much discomfort. If she couldn't read that and laugh at how he has changed and (if she must) laughingly inquire about this slut he was going over to see before he fell for her, then she is a drama queen. She was looking for accolades for how great she is and found out that he didn't think she was so great at first meetng and now she's pissed. I call bs! Knock it off and be happy with what you've got!

A reasonable person might have doubts about a relationship early on but change their mind later. Even the bit about not wanting kids could have changed completely after he got to know her and them.

But posting the lurid details publicly, stating he just wanted a physical relationship and hoped to hook up with someone else as well is pretty skeevy. It makes him sound like a person who uses women for sex.I wouldn't be comfortable dating someone who thought like that.

I have a feeling that if they had only been casually dating at the time, then the LW wouldn't have been so upset. How hard would it have been for the guy to be honest with her and to have said, "I'm not really into having kids; let's just keep this casual. I am seeing other people, so I don't care if you do the same thing." You may respond that these aren't the types of things that people usually say to each other. But if someone can't be honest about things like that, then they don't need to be sleeping with that person anyway. And a person who acts untrustworthy in the small things can't be trusted with great things, either, like being married. I have been hesitant to date certain people as well, but a wise person doesn't post things on a public forum and then tell their wife "my username is blank and I use X forum."

You read things into the letter that other people did not. It's better to leave it at that.

Sorry, but if I'm not all that into him at first, I never get all that into him. I know if I like someone, right away. If I think of them as a friend only, they stay in the friend category and the relationship cannot be anything but friendship.

thentherewere7:

She was looking for accolades for how great she is and found out that he didn't think she was so great at first meetng and now she's pissed.

That's what I got out of it.

Unless the website identifies her husband by name, he's just some anonymous guy to anyone who goes there. Unless he's said to people, "Go to doofus.com. My name there is BigIdiot;" then no one would know who either of them is.

I'm guessing he didn't identify her by name and location when discussing these allegedly "lurid details", either. If so, then she has a legitimate beef that someone Googling her might find that, and could he delete or at least edit those posts?

IncogNeato:

thentherewere7:

She was looking for accolades for how great she is and found out that he didn't think she was so great at first meetng and now she's pissed.

That's what I got out of it.

Unless the website identifies her husband by name, he's just some anonymous guy to anyone who goes there. Unless he's said to people, "Go to doofus.com. My name there is BigIdiot;" then no one would know who either of them is.

I'm guessing he didn't identify her by name and location when discussing these allegedly "lurid details", either. If so, then she has a legitimate beef that someone Googling her might find that, and could he delete or at least edit those posts?

I'm surprised there was ever a second date.

I don't think other people being able to identify her is the biggest problem with the lurid details. I think the problem is that he thought it was ok to post it in the first place and he didn't delete it as soon as he could (if that was possible).

Think of it this way - what if your hubby took a close up shot of your genitals and then posted the picture online anonomously for everybody to see. Would you be ok with that? It isn't like you could be ID'd by your boss if he happened to see it.

Sex is a private thing for a lot of people. Those who get to have sex with them ought to just respect that and keep the sex private. It isn't a terribly unreasonable request.

I agree, but it was a long time ago and the damage is done. Very few people go back to years-old posts, anyway, unless like the LW they are looking for something specific.

If they are indeed "lurid", I can see her anger. But some people think saying, "and then we made out" is lurid. Even so, she needs to tell him what he's upset about.

Dictionary..com defines "lurid" as essentially either gruesome or sensational. I doubt she thinks the details were gruesome, but they may not be as sensational as she thinks. One definition is "glaringly vivid and graphic"; but again, she needs to remember that that was a date, and this is her husband. If he's been such a great husband, is it worth a divorce when it's in the past? Especially when he isn't even aware of what his "crime" is.