Wow, what an offensive statement. I agree that the LW ("Hurting") sounds self-absorbed and like an absolute brat, but making the assumption that all whiny, self-centered people surely must be single (because there couldn't possibly be any single people who are kind, warm, soft-hearted people, or else they'd be married, RIGHT?) is just mind-bendingly rude. Come on, Prudie.

Agreed. I was also irritated by her advice that it was time to start looking for a husband.

Ditto. And sometimes the craziest, meanest, most psychotic people are married to other crazy, mean psychos or just enablers who have enabled the worst aspects of their partner, making everyone else's life more miserable. It's like, double your displeasure.

choirgirl3377:

Wow, what an offensive statement. I agree that the LW ("Hurting") sounds self-absorbed and like an absolute brat, but making the assumption that all whiny, self-centered people surely must be single (because there couldn't possibly be any single people who are kind, warm, soft-hearted people, or else they'd be married, RIGHT?) is just mind-bendingly rude. Come on, Prudie.

Oh, come on, choirgirl! The assumption that the LW is single, to me anyway, was made based on the fact that a) the LW doesn't mention a significant other or kids (which would have changed the dynamic at Christmas, so would likely have been mentioned), b) is focused on her brother and parents in a way that speaks more to a nuclear family relationship than the extended family those same people become when one forms a nuclear family of their own, and, lastly, c) because when one is in a relationship, one has less spare time and emotional energy to whine about a minor, minor sleight like this one (unless one is sociopath, which our LW may very well be--how's that for an assumption?!).

As a purposely single woman who does not expect any handouts from her parents, I also found Prudie's comment to be offensive.

I'm not defending the LW, but for people who have grown up un- or under-loved and appreciated, Christmas can be an annual reminder of those old childhood resentments.  And yes, it makes one feel insanely guilty for caring about such things as an adult, but it's not about materialism or selfishness.  It's about not feeling like you mean anything to your workaholic father, and having that feeling symbolized by him not getting anything whatsoever, not even the generic bubble bath or other token effort he made in years past. It's a minor, minor sleight indeed if it happens once or twice or only on Christmas - some people are just cheap about presents.  But uncaring, unfeeling people have a habit of being uncaring and unfeeling in just about everything they do, and gift-giving is one of them.  The LW does need counseling; I just wish everyone, Prudie included, wasn't so quick to make her "wrong" for caring about something like a Christmas gift at her age.

SmagBoy1:

choirgirl3377:

Wow, what an offensive statement. I agree that the LW ("Hurting") sounds self-absorbed and like an absolute brat, but making the assumption that all whiny, self-centered people surely must be single (because there couldn't possibly be any single people who are kind, warm, soft-hearted people, or else they'd be married, RIGHT?) is just mind-bendingly rude. Come on, Prudie.

Oh, come on, choirgirl! The assumption that the LW is single, to me anyway, was made based on the fact that a) the LW doesn't mention a significant other or kids (which would have changed the dynamic at Christmas, so would likely have been mentioned), b) is focused on her brother and parents in a way that speaks more to a nuclear family relationship than the extended family those same people become when one forms a nuclear family of their own, and, lastly, c) because when one is in a relationship, one has less spare time and emotional energy to whine about a minor, minor sleight like this one (unless one is sociopath, which our LW may very well be--how's that for an assumption?!).

I agree. Prudie was merely telling the whiny brat to get a life. What I find annoying is she seems to equate having a husband with having a life. If the hubby doesn't pay attention to her, she'll still have all the time in the world to still be stewing a month after the holidays.

Naptowner:

I just wish everyone, Prudie included, wasn't so quick to make her "wrong" for caring about something like a Christmas gift at her age.

I think if this had been a letter that simply said 'I didn't get a present and I'm hurt' then a lot of people would be more sympathetic to her. That isn't the letter that she wrote though. Note she is also complaining that her dad is taking care of her sick mom. She is complaining that his dad ranks his wife higher than his adult children. Given that she went to that level of detail it implies that 1) if this was a thing about not feeling loved, she would have said that and 2) she really is an immature brat.

I could be wrong, she could be the victim here. But her own words don't seem to support that.

SusanM:

She is complaining that his dad ranks his wife higher than his adult children. Given that she went to that level of detail it implies that 1) if this was a thing about not feeling loved, she would have said that and 2) she really is an immature brat.

I agree with that analysis.

Me too, me too!

I also think that the assumption about the letter writer was single was probably based on the lack of any mention of comparative gift giving to SOs and children, not on the idea that all selfish people are single. But it was still way out there and the advice to find a husband to replace her daddy was just, well, awful and wrong.

Saying that whiny, self-centered people are probably single is not the same as saying that all single people are whiny and self-centered...unless, of course, you're a whiny, self-centered, and illogical brat.

Naptowner:

I'm not defending the LW, but for people who have grown up un- or under-loved and appreciated, Christmas can be an annual reminder of those old childhood resentments. And yes, it makes one feel insanely guilty for caring about such things as an adult, but it's not about materialism or selfishness. It's about not feeling like you mean anything to your workaholic father, and having that feeling symbolized by him not getting anything whatsoever, not even the generic bubble bath or other token effort he made in years past. It's a minor, minor sleight indeed if it happens once or twice or only on Christmas - some people are just cheap about presents.

She did get a present, from her parents. Guess that doesn't count. Her mother is ailing, he works 60-70 hours a week. He goes out and buys 6 or 7 special presents for his wife instead of trinkets one might typically give to casual acquaintes. I am curious, hows mom's health been last year? Did it take a turn for the worse? Could that be why he decided to treat his wife extra special this year? Or was it an apology for the lack of time spent with his wife? How's the money? Not knowing this illness it may be that his wife cannot work and the illness is a huge drain on money, thus only being able to afford one present per a child.

But uncaring, unfeeling people have a habit of being uncaring and unfeeling in just about everything they do, and gift-giving is one of them.

And working two jobs or the equivalent in hours to take care of your ailing wife is also one of them.

It maybe quite possible that the LW parents are assholes and jerks. Even if that is the case I still think the LW needs to distance herself from her parents. If they are assholes then she has distance herself from toxic people, if not then she will probably grow up a bit.

While I am posting might as well address the topic of this thread. :p

I do disagree with Prudie telling someone to grow up and get married. One does not mean the other, plenty of single adults who act grown up, plenty of married adults who act like big babies.

Not knowing how things were as the LW grew up I am only guessing here. To me it sounds as if the parents no longer consider their children as part of their nuclear family, not in the same way as when the children where say 10. It sounds to me as if their children have left the nest and that the parents have moved on to the next stage of life, approaching retirment and, hopefully, making some plans for it. A stage of life and plans that do not include their children in the day to day living. It sounds to me as if the LW resents that, it may be possible that she has resented it for a while. And let us not forget how hard she worked on the Christmas present to her father, could she be feeling a little resentful because he didn't work that hard for her present in return?

ccrone7 wins!

Naptowner: I agree with you here, and think a lot of people relish the opportunity to bellow at an anonymous person.

choirgirl3377:

Wow, what an offensive statement. I agree that the LW ("Hurting") sounds self-absorbed and like an absolute brat, but making the assumption that all whiny, self-centered people surely must be single (because there couldn't possibly be any single people who are kind, warm, soft-hearted people, or else they'd be married, RIGHT?) is just mind-bendingly rude. Come on, Prudie.

As I wrote in an earlier thread... it's the hand-sewing a satin dressing gown for daddy that's the proof. What woman with a partner has time for such crap? And what woman with a partner who has time for such crap would make the dressing gown for daddy rather than partner?