Hi-

This is the first time I have read your column. I must say that most of the advice you have given seems very sensible, and your pen name (or perhaps your actual name?) is quite an appropriate.

However, I was dismayed at the sarcastic response you gave "Trying to Be Practical." Of course, it would not be appropriate to ask friends involved in certain careers to offer their professional services at this person's wedding, the bartender example you used being one type of career. But on the other hand, I don't see what is wrong with asking a friend to design, say, wedding invitations in lieu of a store-bought gift.

Are you saying that there is something wrong with a friend to use his or her talents to create a highly personal present instead of buying a blender or some other mass produced consumer item from a retail store?

When appropriate, I think that it's perfectly fine to ask friends for created gifts. Most people wouldn't consider such presents in the first place, since we Americans seem to have the mindset that anything that didn't cost money isn't valuable. And also, this person's idea is much more prudent than your own advice, considering that the friend in question doesn't have much money to spend but has a richly developed talent and an opportunity to use it. She may even be flattered to be given the opportunity.

Anyways, I enjoyed your column, and I will read it in the future.

Sincerely,

Collegemoth

I agree fully with Prudie. I had lots of friends in college, but because I also was a photographer I was NEVER in a wedding party. Never a best man, never a groomsman, never a guest. Always the free photographer. Sure, it saved me money and I was happy (at the time) to offer my services to my friends. Then again, it sure would have been nice to enjoy the event like all my other friends were doing. Instead I was working.

OK, I could have said NO - but these were good friends and a no seemed pretty harsh.

I just look back with sadness at all the joyous events I worked instead of shared...

I agree that Prudie was being overly sarcastic, although I also think she's right that it's in poor taste for the LW to ask for money for the honeymoon, etc., in lieu of gifts. I like Prudie's idea for offering the graphic designer her usual rate to design the thank you cards, but I also think that would leave the designer with an opening to offer to do the cards for free as her wedding gift. Either way, though, I don't think a recent college graduate would be offended by a good friend asking her to design thank you cards as a wedding gift. On the other hand, if the designer is a distant cousin or someone who might not even have been planning to attend the wedding at all, then of course it's inappropriate for the bride to ask this favor.

If you really like your friends talent then ask her to design the invitation and offer to pay her. More than likely she will offer to do it free of charge. Same with the bartender friend. You would have to hire someone to do it anyway. Just be sure to not them as part of the wedding party.

Check out some of the earlier posts re: this question. We're all for personal, unique, gifts. I've been at weddings where friends made the dresses, did the photography, and baked the cake. It's great, and I don't think Prudie or anyone else is naysaying it.

But you don't ask for gifts, and you definitely don't tell people what gift they should give you. You tell your friend that you'd like to hire her to do the invites because she does such beautiful work and it would be really special for you, and then she gets to tell you that it's on the house as her gift to you. Even if gift-giving is traditional, you don't ask for gifts. You can offer suggestions **when asked** (hence the registry concept) but that's it (which is why putting your registry info in your wedding invite is tacky, tacky, tacky).

Collegemoth didn't completely read your answer to "Trying to be Practical." You wisely suggested that she offer to pay for the service - that way the guest could decide whether or not he wants to do the service and not send a bill if he choses.

If you really like your friends talent then ask her to design the invitation and offer to pay her. More than likely she will offer to do it free of charge. Same with the bartender friend. You would have to hire someone to do it anyway. Just be sure to note them as part of the wedding party.

I believe what some of the posters are missing is that it is in poor taste to ask anyone for a gift! A gift is something that people want to give, not something that is required or asked for (tradition aside). The LW is not only out of line for 'expecting' gifts, but even more so for requiring the specific gifts that she wants and/or choosing what people should give her. You should offer to buy the services of talented friends and if they want to donate them as their wedding gift to you, then so be it. Telling them that they can do this for you as their wedding gift to you is crass in the extreme.

I definitely agree that it is absolutely inappropriate to "ask" for gifts or tell people what give they should give. Be advised that some people who come to your wedding may not even bring a gift, so to tell them that they should be is rude, rude, rude. However, as a soon to be bride myself, I'd like to share my two cents. My fiance and I have lived together for 3 1/2 years now and we have EVERYTHING that we could possibly need for our house. We still did the traditional registry thing, and registered for those little extras that we wouldn't have typically bought for ourselves, as well as some new bedding, etc, to replace what we had used for years. We just didn't register for as many "material" items, as most couples do. We had also thought of the option of asking people to donate to our honeymoon, however we didn't want to come across as rude. So, we found a honeymoon registry website and set up a registry page that showed our guests what our plans were for our honeymoon. We let our guests know that we were excited to be able to share with all of them what our plans were and we included pictures of the hotel and the island that we were planning on going to. Then we "registered" for different aspects of our honeymoon, such as "romantic dinners" "the hotel" "the snorkeling trip" etc..... We included the direct URL address on my shower invitations, and you'd be surprised how many people were very excited about having something different to spend their money on. It gave them options that most registries don't have, and we only had to pay a very small fee to the site to use it. Also, the site that we went through (www.travelersjoy.com) is one of the only honeymoon registry sites that will just simply send you a personal check when all is said and done, and you can book your honeymoon through whichever travel agency you would like. I honestly think this was the best thing we could have registered for.... and we got almost $1500 towards our honeymoon!!!! Very exciting! So...in conclusion, I think it's rude to "ask" for gifts, but I think it's great to give your guests fun, different options on what to get for you if they want to get you something!!!!

I think it's inappropriate to ask someone to be the bartender or the photographer at a wedding, because then the person is "working" the wedding instead of enjoying it as a guest, as pointed out in an earlier post by a photographer.

When I got married over 20 years ago, an uncle (who I was pretty close to) was the photographer, and an aunt (who I barely knew) did the cake. When I learned that my aunt did wedding cakes, I asked her to do mine -- without saying anything about it being free, although as a naive young woman I had thought it would be.

My aunt worked up a quote and presented it to me, and I graciously paid it without batting an eye (I'm so glad I didn't stammer and say uh, I thought it would be free!). She brought the cake to the wedding (along with a wedding gift) and stayed as a guest and everything turned out fine.

My uncle, I'm pretty sure, was also fine with being the photographer because he liked having something to do and he was trying to get a start as a photographer. He gave the wedding photo book to us as a gift (which I now realize was a pretty expensive gift for him to produce -- about 50 color prints in a photo album) and gave us a list of prices for people (such as in-laws) who wanted copies of the photos, so that worked out fine too.

He was not a professional photographer, but he was trying to become one, so I think he enjoyed the opportunity. Also, the wedding and reception was a pretty casual affair, so he had plenty of time to schmooze with the other guests and not have to be working the whole time.

I got divorced a few years later, and my ex kept the wedding book -- his logic was that I could get a copy made by my uncle if I wanted to have a copy. As if I'm going to pay money to my uncle to have pictures of my ex-husband printed out! So now I only have a couple of snapshots taken by someone else during the wedding, and one print of me and my family (without the groom in the picture). Just as well, I suppose.

Anyway, guess I got off on a bit of a tangent there. As for the LW's dilemma, I think the best thing for her to do would be to mention casually to friends WHO ASKED that she and her fiance had plenty of blenders, toasters, etc. I think people are generally pretty savvy that way anyway -- that they'd conclude that a couple who'd been living together for a year probably don't need household items.

If I were invited to the wedding of a friend in that situation, I'd probably give cash, or a beautiful vase or something I thought my friend would like. But I'd be a bit offended if there was any kind of mention of what kind of gift was "expected."

Years ago, I worked for a very large cosmetic company as a manager and each year the 20 managers in my division would take up a collection for a gift to be given to our boss at the Christmas Party. Then suddenly one year a small group of fellow managers decided the "gift" should be $25 for a pair of gold cufflinks. To me that as not a gift when I was told exactly how much to give. I see this situation as the same exact problem. A gift is exact that, A GIFT. And when a person decides what the gift they will be getting is to be, then it is no longer a gift. It's odd how often people think artists and musicians should "give" their talents but no one would think of asking a doctor to "give" his or her services. To me when some one has the nerve to ask for gift of a service that is usually high paying (my husband is a highly skilled Systems Developer for a large city. He is always being asked to help people with their computers). It is insulting, but he graciously says he doesn't like doing that and that is usually the end of it.

Have a nice wedding "trying". Let your guests be your guests, not free labor to save you money. I think I would be too busy to come to your wedding if you did that to me.

Oh, I should make it clear that each manager was asked to give $25. That was a total of $500 for a pair of gold cufflinks. And even today that would be quite an expensive gift. Back in 1978 when this happened it was an enormous amount of money and a good pair of gold cufflinks back then would have cost about $50 to $100.

Clearly you need a lesson in manners. It is never appropriate to ask for gifts of any kind. Period.

Clearly you need to wake up and smell the roses.... registering for gifts is not "asking" for them. It is merely giving your guests suggestions on what they could give you if they want to give you something. If there was no such thing as a registry, I'm afraid that every set of newlyweds would have 25 "home sweet home" plates lying around their house, only to be sold at a garage sale in the spring. If you're going to give someone a gift, wouldn't you rather it be something that they can use or that they want. I know I'm not a big fan of wasting money on useless things!! I do, however, like to use a couple's registry to find out what the colors are in their kitchen, for example. Then I can go look for a nice vase or windchime that will suit their tastes, rather than some gift that will sit in a freakin closet for the rest of their blissful lives together, only to be brought out when said gift-giver drops by the house! LOL! Some people just weren't meant to "pick out" gifts on their own.... It's as simple as that. And, I suggest that if someone thinks a couple is rude because they registered for their gifts, then you shouldn't go to the wedding because you wouldn't want to associate yourself with such rude people!!! Nobody said you HAD to buy something from a registry.....KEY WORD: SUGGESTION!!!

The original poster wasn't talking about registries. Read more carefully. "I think that it's perfectly fine to ask friends for created gifts." Did you catch that? --

ASK FRIENDS FOR CREATED GIFTS-- It's NEVER okay to ask for a gift. Period.