I was feeling for you until the magic catch phrase, 'i have had tons of therapy'. BINGO!. While I've seem to have run into people like your beau, and you may very well have a valid point that you've come across a personality type you either take in toto or leave in toto, I do want to clue you in on the way to men's psyches and hearts. Men dont mind getting their balls busted. That's how they communicated with each other in close friendships. While it's the end of the world for a woman to be told the blunt truth, as you see it (Howard Cossell), for men it's the opposite way. In fact, they start losing respect for you if you behave like a child that can't figure out a thing, only the fact that it needs to cry. So, when he says, you've been behaving like a bitch tonight, you answer truthfully and straight forward, like, yeah you bet your scrawny ass, you pissed me off by having to remind you to bring the theatre tickets three f*cking times, then showed up late, and made me retouch my masquera several times. do you have any idea how emotionally draining that is? Not only will this clue him in as to the level of your feelings, but more importantly, it will let off steam from your boiler, and make both of you laugh.

LOL

unless he's an abusive-type man and she'll get her face punched.

When a guy refuses to admit he's ever wrong, and no matter what, you have to be the one to say sorry, that's a sure sign he's not that concerned about your feelings, or sees you as somewhat lower.

Yes, some men may enjoy getting their "balls busted" but this one may not be that sort of men. Some men get violent, or even more verbally abusive. So, I'd say dump him now, and while you are at your therapist, as about cognitive therapy and how to better assert yourself so you don't have to feel like a doormat for anyone else.

She'd need to adjust the tone for her own style, of course. However, when people who've had too much psychobabble try to play Dr. Freud on me, I resent it, too. Ignoring his petty flaws and focusing in on his good qualities shouldn't be that hard, given her description of him.

And if he does turn abusive, it's a no-brainer whether to dump him!

Unless of course she is a lunatic and she has been wrong every time

My "psycho babble" is more to help, since I have had dealings with many women from abusive relationships, and a big red flag that usually is in each case is the idea he is never wrong and she must always apologize even when he's at fault. If I were playing "Dr. Freud", I would have diagnosed both him and her with certain problems, delving into childhood. Sorry if I have offended you with my offering of advice.

And yes, those who are abusive frequently have "lovely" traits such as this man has listed.

So in other words, Intersurfa, the lousy way he treats her is ALL HER OWN FAULT because she is not enough of an agressive bitch to tell him off. Nice. Though experience I have noticed that some guys like to be verbally pummelled. To that I say 'I am not your Mommy. I am not interested in scolding you to encourage you to behave like a decent person.'

I've known a few women in abusive relationships. Their significant others always have some very lovely traits. If they were lousy in every department, the woman would see what an ass he is and run. Most of these men are very charming except for that one flaw. That flaw is usually the elephant in the room no one sees.

Wow, sansu, that's putting extreme words in my mouth that don't belong there.

No, it's not her fault. But she's the one who can leave and become stronger. The man isn't going to change, no matter how wrotten he is, no matter how many relationshps he's been through. The one leaving and changing is not always the one at fault. Don't read too much into things that aren't there.

And since when does a woman become and "aggressive bitch" when she decides she's had enough and asserts her own thoughts and feelings? Assertion and aggression are two very different things. Some women are by nature extremely meek and are easily taken advantage of, and there is nothing wrong with them learning to become more assertive and be able to walk away easier from jerks.

Thank you for making your extreme accusations. Very nice.

No offense taken. I was suggesting she probably analyses him every time there's a disagreement. For example, "It's a latent fixation on your lack of affection from your father that you always order the exact same thing every time we come to this restaurant!" That could get old in a hurry, and most of us would demand an apology for stuff like that, especially if he's told her it bothers him.

Thank you. ElleBlue!

Svenskmom:

The man isn't going to change, no matter how wrotten he is, no matter how many relationshps he's been through. The one leaving and changing is not always the one at fault.

At the same time, people have flaws. She seems to be looking for Mr. Perfect, instead of Mr. Almost-Perfect.

My hubby pouts. It drives me crazy. He won't argue, or even talk sometimes when we disagree. Is it a problem? Of course it is! Is it bad enough to leave him over? Not hardly. I've learned to let him pout and to go about my business. If I leave him alone for a bit, he comes to his senses and we move on, assuming I don't bring it up again. And usually, it's not anything worth bringing up again.

Unfortunately, I don't think this is a case of just a mild irritation. Yes, everyone has faults. You should meet my hubby! (he pouts too, and leaves the house for a while) But they aren't to a point where one is feeling the need to apologize at all times, or walk on egg shells. I may have read the LW wrong, but where did you see her analyzing him?

Svenskmom:

I may have read the LW wrong, but where did you see her analyzing him?

"He has never had therapy (I've had tons) and he has never been broken up with. I think that has allowed him to legitimize his feelings and negate those of the other person, and that it has worked quite well for him."

It sounds like she's one of those "therapy has saved my life!" types who wants to "save" everyone else with her amateur psychology. A little knowledge can be dangerous, sometimes.

She also may be trying to over-rationalize his behavior. She may be wanting to explain the behavior out to make it sound more acceptable. He hasn't had therapy may be her way of saying he doesn't know better. It does make interesting thought.

It sounds like she's making excuses for him, by saying "he's never had therapy" and "he's this way because of this that and the other thing. The guy can be a real A-hole and it sounds like she wants to save the relationship at all costs.