In response to the "New California" letter:

Dear Blue States:

We're sorry you feel that way, but understand the decision. Frankly, the past few years have felt a little like a bad relationship--with you being the whiny chick who always wants to talk about her feelings. Perhaps it is best we split and thank you for your honesty about what you plan to take with you. In the interest of continued full disclosure, we'd like to clarify a few things as well:

We'll be joining OPEC. With almost 90% of the U.S's oil production and 70% of refining capacity, that was pretty much a no-brainer. We'll also be taking most of the natural gas production, all of the oil shale production and 90% of the coal production. Oh, and also the strategic oil reserve. Sorry, but it would be pretty hard to move.

You can have your Ivy's, Seven Sisters, NESCAC's et al. because they're apparently no longer capable of teaching third grade math. According to your letter and some census data, 110% of our population is obese. Granted, we do have Mississippi, but we also have the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders and six of the last 10 Miss America winners, so your numbers are clearly wrong. We'll stick with Georgia Tech, Duke, UNC and UT where "new math" hasn't yet gotten in the way of reality.

While you're fixing your math lessons, you might also want to work on geography (Where exactly do you think all of that fresh water comes from?), and sociology (with 72% of the people on welfare, you're pretty much a lock on the single mom title).

It's true, you do have most of the fruit from the union, but we consider it a fair trade for most of the wheat, sugar, corn, beef, poultry, etc. When you're jonesing for a rib-eye, feel free to stop by. Be advised, though, that our entry standards have tightened. We'll no longer be accepting anybody driving a Prius, wearing Birkenstocks or familiar with Kabbalah Additionally, since you were kind enough to take all of the women who haven't yet figured out how to shave their legs, we're not planning to let them back in either. Yes, that means all of you from the Seven Sisters and ....Oregon.

We'd like to thank you for Florida because of our crazy run to the World Series this year and because Disney World is way cooler than Disney Land. If you're looking for other vacation spots, may we also mention Alta, Park City, Jackson Hole, Snowmass, Steamboat, Vail, Aspen and Telluride. Please be advised that anyone looking for more than 1000 feet of vertical will be subject to the same entry standards mentioned above.

Your decision on Iraq is ok with us. Apart from gang members, not may Nuevo Californians know how to use a gun anyway. We're planning to roll back the whole "war on terror" thing in any case. Let's face it, there aren't that many people out there looking to bomb grain silos in Omaha.

Lastly, we don't need your pot because we're high on Jesus.

Amen,

Red States

I'd like for them to make sure not to leave Oprah, Star Jones, and Whoopi Goldberg on our turf. But I'm going to have to disagree with you on the pot issue...

Look up Republican Buddy:

That meaning is why we had the United Soviet Socialist "Republic" and the Peoples "Republic" of China. All of the oil production you are talking about will only add up to about 1/3 of our daily use. Bush is spreading the war to Syria and his ally Mushariff in Pakistan. You and your god don't like abortion because you would rather kill women and children once they are out of the womb. There is more money for repubs that way. Why worry about oil when we can have WWIII and a final judgment day like all the mean spirited Repuglicans want? I like that whacky Chick line; you must'a been dating Rosey Palmer again eh?

The last time the right (Fascists) went to war with the Left (Marxists) the fascists got their asses kicked big time.

Just a reminder fascist.

Don't forget that Colorado is now a blue state so I believe we can pitch in with beef and wheat. So I think we will be ok. We also will not need your dirty oil as we will find a way not to be under the thumb of OPEC by creating alt fuel sources. And I have Jesus sitting next to me and he said hi and for you to call because he has not seen anyone from the red states in 8 years.

Dear Red States,

We read your letter and wonder if the geography curriculum in your neck of the woods is really all that good.

Last time we checked, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, and Michigan were in our camp. This would seem to indicate that we control the headwaters of the Mississippi River and the Great Lakes. With Pennsylvania on our team, we also control the Ohio. Add in all the other north to south flowing streams in the United States, and it would appear that we can turn off the spigots to our beloved Red State brethren whenever the mood strikes us.

Since it would appear that Iowa will be rejoining us, I think that the Upper Midwest can more than adequately feed our population. Especially when you consider our per capita caloric intake when compared to yours.

You will probably win the college football games, but we're pretty confident that Columbia, Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Northwestern, U of Chicago, Pitt, Penn State, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, Michigan, MIT, Washington, Carlton, Gonzaga, Oregon, Cal Tech, NYU, Cal Berkeley, UCLA, Tufts, and on and on give us the edge intellectually. SAT and ACT scores as well as literacy rates would seem to back up our confidence in this arena.

Our superior university system is the reason that most alternative energy investment is occuring in our neck of the woods. Enjoy your oil and the cancer that goes with it. Of course, it seems likely that any cure for cancer will come from us. Sorry.

You have the Waffle Houses, which pains us. Love the hashbrowns.

Since it would appear that Colorado is going to succeed from your union, we will be enjoying the skiing. Word has it that Montana is petitioning to join us. Plus, turns out there are mountains in California, Washington, Oregon, and New England. Some of them are kinda big. Check your maps.

We will also be taking a pretty good chunk of the literature, music, and art, but we know y'all don't much care for that stuff anyway.

When it comes to shooting, our members in Wisconsin, Michigan, Minnesota, Maine, New Hampshire, Iowa, and Pennsylvania don't feel any to threatened by big talkers from Texas. With the possible addition of the Montanans, you might want to sue for peace quickly. Plus we own Remington, Ruger, Federal Ammunition, and a host of other firearms manufacturers. I would tell you to buy yourselves Kevlar vests, but it turns out that Du Pont belongs to us.

I understand that Florida, Georgia, North Carolina, North Dakota, Colorado, Montana, New Mexico, Nevada, Ohio, and Indiana are all showing real interest in joining the Blue States. We welcome them with open arms.

To our our Red State neighbors, enjoy the coming years. Stay high on Jesus.

Sincerely,

The Blue States

Did you seriously put Tufts on that list? About the only thing jumbo about that school is it's women.

It's good of you to invest in cancer research. You're going to need it.

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