I have found that offense is a sneaky cancer that I have to daily eradicate from my life. It can blow through the doors of my heart or sneak in unnoticed. When I don't deal with it, I deteriorate emotionally, relationally, and even physically. Forgiveness is something I have to give the offender - not because (s)he necessarily deserves it, but to keep me from being eaten up. It's easier for me to do if I realize that forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean that there are no consequences for the behavior; it does mean that I am not going to seek revenge.

There are millions of things to take offense over - especially if you read blogs! And the bad thing is, so many of those comments are written with the main intent of causing hurt. So if I'm looking for offense, it's easy to find. Then I almost feel justified giving back as bad as I got. And so the cycle goes.

I have taught my 5 kids (with varying degrees of success) that most people walk around with sharp nails and thin skin - they offend others sometimes even unawares, and then take offense to the slightest askew look. Rather than concentrate on their behavior, we need to look inward at ours. For example, when reading this article, it is easy for me to see how this subject applies to so many people in the Pres. race, and in my own personal circle. But I can't change them. I can only change myself (with God's help and grace) and so I should read this and examine my own head and heart. A rhino hide and velvet gloves - that's what I need to go for.

Another excellent article from my favorite slate writer. Emily, your advice columns are great, but your articles are beyond superb. What balance and insight, supported by science and not by uninformed opinion.

Here, Here, I applaud all the responses’ and feel that if we all, in our society and our offspring would consider the rhino hide and velvet gloves theory we would be a kinder gentler world. Thank you and I hope it makes a front page.

Here is my question, how is it that some people can be totally oblvious to their own hipocrasies when i comes to criticising, ridiculing, and berating others with their Obviously Uninformed opinions on a fairly consistant basis and see absolutley "nothing wrong" with their behavior, but when they are faced with having to deal with someone else's viewpoints, they either become "offended" or totally ignore the person in question because although they may disagree with the so called "offender" the thought of a confrontation with the individual is "too much" for them to handle. So they "stew" in private. But here is another question that just Boggles my brain, without proper discussions and genuine dialogue and feedback from BOTH parties, how in the world could you expect the issues to be resolved i ask you? Does the other party EVER want to stop the disagreement and move on to more pleasant things? Or does that sort of thing FUEL him or her i ask you?

Does being thick-skinned make you impervious to attacks people make on you, or others? Of course not, like it or not sometimes peoples comments and opinions of us does hurt sometimes but how you handle those attacks should tell you a lot about that individual who's on the receiving end of them.

I just happen to be a very strong willed woman who can dish it out as well as i take it, it's just that simple. Sure i may have some opinions that people may or may not agree with but at least i'm not afraid to express my opinions and i will defend them if necessary. But there are a lot of people who aren't that way. These people would prefer to "hide" and throw "darts" rather than FACE the individual in question to resolve whatever the matter is ONCE AND FOR ALL. Hiding behind walls and people has never been my "style".

People who offend regularly tend to have extremely unhappy lives and when they lash out at others, it makes their situation only worse. So if you ever encounter such a person, it is easier to understand them and therefore easier to figure out a way to deal with them. Just a thought.

Thats great Bigmac, I am copying this and hanging it in my cubical. Its nice to see that some people are teaching their kids to learn how to let things just roll of their backs instead of getting their feathers all ruffled. I know that sometimes I am a little touchier than others but I do try not to let things offend so easily because I think people who do just come off looking like cry babies even if they do get the other person to apologize.

Bigmac: BRAVO! Teaching our children not to judge, criticize or try to put down others with our speech and behavior is exemplary! Thick-skinned or thin-skinned, there is no place for racial slurs, condescending comments, sexist remarks, religious slurs and the like. Treating each other with respect, agreeing to disagree, is the example we all need to be to each other. I do agree with others that lack of self-esteem is part of the problem when a person lashes out at another in the above-mentioned ways. To live a life with integrity and grace, does not mean that you are weak and pathetic. It means, in most instances, that you have been able to "see" beyond mere words and behaviors and do not get sucked into mind games and word games. Your basis for being is not in hurting others, but in enriching your own life and the lives of those around you. Misery loves company -- stay clear of those that only want to judge, punish and complain, as much as possible. Distance yourself from those persons and those situations that contain hatred, paranoia and pessimism. Find supportive, strong, loving individuals, groups, activities and places to surround yourself. Keep your mind and behavior in positive places and be a role model to others. This is not easy, but it is infinitley more healthy and satisfying than the alternative. Be good to yourself and others and your life will be richer. Sometimes this will mean letting go of a lot of your surroundings, attitudes, behavior and even "friends", when you realize that their reality is not your reality and their ideas and ideals are not yours. Be good to yourself so that you can be good to others. Seek out the good in people, places and situations. Work towards justice, respect and goodness in everything. Forgive yourself and others when you or they don't "measure" up. The Golden Rule is a wonderful standard to live you life by and by no means sets you up as a wishy washy do-gooder. It is the basis for respect for us all, as long as we are all striving for respect and healthy esteem.

I also wish to applaude the author for an insightful article. As I read the article I was reminded of the link between taking offense and tolerance of others. I believe that a hallmark of our american democracy, and a fundamental factor that sets us apart from others, is our tolerance of our differences. As americans we pride ourselves in our ability to restain from being offended by the religion or beliefs of others, or at least in restraining ourselves from taking action against those whose opinions or lifestyles offend us. In speaking of our democracy, the phrase "I disagree with your opinion, but will defend to the death your right to speak it" is often used. This is not to say that we fall short of this ideal in many instances. But I do believe that the set of circumstances that made religious tolerance the important consideration for the first american settlers, set the stage for our success. Democracy cannot exist where a person cannot tolerate the diffferent views of his or her neighbor. I hold very little hope for the success of democracy in the middle eastern countries, especially Iraq, where the citizens are so easily offended, and are not tolerant.

Bigmac: What a wonderful response!

great article. but can someone explain to me the boat example because i dont get it. empty or not the boat still crashed. even if the guy had kept his cool it would still have crashed. whats the moral of this story? stay zen under attack because no matter how you behave you will still get attacked?

It is as the man said...."How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you don't see the beam in your own eye? You hypocrite! First remove the beam from your own eye, and then you'll see clearly enough to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Sorry for the late reply, I found the article just now.

The guy could have changed the direction of his own boat. That's what he should have done in the first place, try to avoid the collision himself, instead of jumping and shouting and expecting the other boat to avoid the collision.

But, of course, this doesn't help if you are really attacked. I know a lot of people who regard politeness as weakness.