This might be a little long, I apologize.
A few days ago, I wrote a Persephone update here on the board, and told about how my husband is filing for divorce. Apparently my husband has people spying on me here on the board, and what I wrote quickly got forwarded to him. I do not know who the spy is. It could be his pill popping ex-coworker. It could be his sister who has probably been waiting for 12 years for this divorce to happen. Who knows. Let's just call her Medusa.
What Medusa, and my husband, does not get is that I chose the myth of Persephone to talk about my marriage because I've always thought it was a perfect fit. I have had the Persephone alter-ego for almost 5 years BECAUSE of that. Persephone was abducted by Hades. He fell in love with her when he saw her picking flowers in a field, and quickly spirited her away to live with him in the underworld. She was afraid at first, but slowly fell in love with the king of the underworld and chose to stay, co-ruling with him in this realm. ANYONE who knows my husband should know that the analogy between him and Hades is perfect. He is fascinated with horror movies, is a Scorpio, and is very unconventional and YES sometimes very secretive. Our marriage felt like an exile at times, but not for the reason I am now being accused of now. It felt like an exile because it was a very PERSONAL and DEEP relationship. I said to him many times how our relationship felt like a comfortable cocoon. That is why the exile anaylogy seemed to fit.
It seems that I am also being accused of presenting a one sided view of our seperation on the board. So I am here to clear the air. I do not feel bad for divulging any of these details, because he took it upon himself to tell all of his Myspace friends and all of our family about his issues anyway, and told me he does not care who I tell. Since only like 9 people, well apparently 10 people, read this board then I really don't have a problem divulging it here.
Hades has had a problem with sexual addiction since I married him. His problem manifested itself around 5 major times in our marriage, and each time I stayed, hoping that it could be worked out and he could get treatment. His sexual addiction manifested online. He had secret porn subscriptions, would make profiles on adult sites soliciting for sex, would post explicit photographs of himself online, and would communicate online. There is more to the story, but I will not get into everything. By the time I decided to leave, I discovered that he had signed up for swinger's parties. That hurt the most.
Over the years, the outside activity really took a toll on my self esteem. I stopped thinking of myself as attractive or desirable in any way, even though every sex addict site out there would say it has nothing to do with the partner, that it is an addiction. This does a great disservice to spouses of sex addicts, because it minimizes what we go through and writes off our feelings. It did a lot of damage on my self-esteem and my security to have the rug pulled out from under me (when I would discover these things) multiple times, and out of nowhere. I distincly remember in 2006 thinking "wow, i am really happy" but at the same time I was fully aware that at any moment that could go away and I could find something that will once again shatter everything and all the happiness that we had managed to build back up after the last episode. My security, and my trust for him, never got completely built back up.
I did not handle my seperation correctly at all. I have my own emotional problems, and could not stand the thought of being alone. I got involved with another Hades, briefly. Then with a Minotaur. I was unconsciously trying to fill a void in my life, and we all know that relationships don't work when this is the unconscious goal. I hurt people in the process, I was like a little tornado that steamrolled anyone who was unfortunate enough to be in my path. I'm sorry for that.
I also befriended Hephaestus later on in the summer. Hephaestus had his own little personal drama. He was seperated, unhappy, and we clicked. We were a great comfort to each other in a time of pain in both our lives. He also discovered he had a possible brain tumor (later to find out it was benign). He was not in his right state of mind anymore than I was. This relationship hurt Hades more than anything, and I can't say I'm sorry for it because it did help me to grow, but I do regret the way I went about everything because it caused more pain than necessary.
I was a complete mess after the seperation and after I moved out, and since then I have done nothing but try to deal with the mess I made. What really hurts me more than anything is that even though Hades and I both did things to each other that were VERY wrong, I am the one who is demonized. I am the one who isn't allowed to make mistakes.
So the mistakes I made caused Hades to get very angry with me, and that's why I wrote that it prompted him to file for divorce.
I stayed. For twleve years I stayed and hoped this problem would be fixed. I never cheated in those 12 years, not once. I never even so much as flirted with other men. I cared for his family. They NEVER let me in. They made it perfectly clear that I was not a part of them. Not in their direct actions, but in their attitudes towards me and their unwillingness to let me in and let me be myself. I was always the selfish one and the one who he should have left for someone better. I was a good wife. Hades and his family loves to say that I was no picnic to live with. WHO THE FUCK IS?? I am stubborn, passionate, curious. And I am ambitious. That is who I AM. They never could accept me for that and always treated me like I was nobody special.
I was a good wife, dammit. I was always there for him. I did not deserve the treatment I got from his family after I left and it has hurt me like I have never hurt before because I had thought for the past couple of years or so that they had finally started to accept me. I was dead wrong, it was a complete facade.
I loved Hades with all my heart, but by the time I left I just had no reserve left to go through it again. I couldn't learn to trust him again knowing that there was every possiblity that I could be dashed to pieces again just like in the past. Seeing his profiles online, reading things he wrote to other people, seeing that he advertized to meet people. A part of me died EVERY time I discovered something like that, and by the time I moved out I knew if it happened again then there wouldn't be anything left of me at all.
I am sorry to unload so much personal information on the board, but with his so-called friends spying on me and taking things I write out of context, I am not free to say ANYTHING on here. This is MY domain and MY friends here. Medusa, whoever you are, MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS. Don't bother forwarding this to him because I will have already done it myself.
I would appreciate it if those of you who may know a little more about the situation to REFRAIN from posting additional information. In fact it would be fine with me if no one responds to this at all. I usually don't feel the need to defend myself like this, but this has gone too far. Whoever is forwarding these messages, I can assure you that you have no clue of what really went on and you never will. This is not a GAME. There are real feelings at stake here.
I did things wrong. I still do things wrong and don't know what the hell I am doing. But I am trying not to hurt Hades anymore and whoever this Medusa is STILL wants me to hurt him and is still hoping that I hurt him. Let me be clear. *I* did not hurt him when I wrote about the Persephone/Hades update the other day. YOU hurt him because you forwarded it to him. You are so blinded by your mistrust and hatred for me that you will HURT him over and over again by spying on me and running to tell him the latest. Maybe you need to look a little deeper inside yourself before playing with someone's feelings next time.
Again, please keep in mind that Hades and his minions might be reading this, so I would appreciate any comments made with that in mind if anyone plans to comment at all. It would probably make my life easier if no one does comment.
