Let's review:

"My husband insists that I get an abortion"

"My husband told me that he is not happy enough in our marriage to go through another pregnancy and childbirth with me"

"he does not want to support my daughter and me any longer"

"I told him that we should go through marriage counseling, but he doesn't want to"

I'm sorry, but there is way too much "balance" and "reason" and "what about adoption?" crap being offered up in these postings. Let me read the tea leaves for you. Your husband is staying in this marriage because he thinks that it's "ethical" and that he is obligated to do so. What he really wants, but doesn't have the guts to do, is to leave. He is completely unhappy - no, miserable - to feel so stuck in this situation. And because he feels so trapped, he is frantic to avoid creating any further commitment to you and these circumstances. In fact, he'd like to get rid of the commitments he already has - but can't. The only way for you to survive in this arrangement is to submit, submit, submit.

You know that sex thing that resulted in your pregnancy? It was more about his gratification and dominance than anything that had to do with love. Do not let this confuse your perception of the state of your marriage. These have not been the happiest of times.

A caring partner would honor your reservations about having an abortion. This would be an untenable act for you - one that you could never live with. Yet he doesn't seem to have a problem with putting you through it - you know, for the rest of your life. And to grasp the sense of hostility here, it's not just about having an unwanted child, he says he can't even tolerate going through the pregnancy and childbirth with you.

Honey, you have passed well beyond abuse and this could turn really ugly if you persist in staying in this situation. He will only get angrier and angrier and I fear it could even become dangerous for you. If he's not going to contribute to improving your relationship - then I say you better move on. I know that's tough medicine, especially for someone in your situation, but if you have to pick between two bad alternatives at least choose the one that won't risk your life.

Seek help now. All you can get.

What he really wants, but doesn't have the guts to do, is to leave.

Leaving your wife and handicapped child to fend for themselves doesn't take guts, it takes gall.

I think you might be a little over the top here. But maybe not.

She did say that she behaved very badly after the first child was born... so she put him through a lot.

He has a right to his feelings... but if they are going to stay together he does have an obligation to go to counseling with her... and she should not have an abortion just to please him... it sounds like it wouldn't be enough anyway and that baby might be the best thing in her life.

She does need to make contingency plans though. We had a couple who went to our church in a similar situation... the husbands mother had moved in with them as she needed almost full time care. Later the husband picked up and left town with a waitress that worked for him.

Left the wife with 2 kids, his mother and a restaurant to take care of. Didn't even call them for 6 months.

Later though... she said it was the best thing that ever happened to her. She said it was a blessing to learn how strong and self sufficient she could be.

He came back to town later to find his wife with a new man, a restaurant that was doing better than when he left and two kids that wanted nothing to do with him. Fortunately for everyone the wife was a class act... and it all worked out well for everyone... she got the kids to forgive him and even let him come back to work at the restaurant... though as her employee.

Bottom line... my Aunt used to say that "you should learn to do for yourself. You'll feel good about yourself and everything gets done your way."

You have a good point. He feels like he's just a paycheck? Great! He can stay home for a while and take care of the disabled daughter and incontinent mother, while you work. The wife might not earn as much, but hey, that's the breaks. He'll just have to find a way to make ends meet.

Alternatively, wifey should take a month or two away to sort out her feelings, leaving him to earn the money and care for the daughter & mother.

He can't make you do anything you don't want to. It's your body, he doesn't get a vote at this point. Get therapy, and decide what's the best decision for YOU.

Changing the subject -- the video made me laugh out loud. I agree!! And Prudy did a great job.

I get the distinct impression that her husband guilt-tripped her into feeling bad for wanting him to be a more involved father. Sounds like he resents having to work to support his family, doesn't acknowledge how difficult it is to take care of both a disabled child and an elderly parent, and then castigates her for making additional demands for support. So he convinces her that she's being selfish.

This marriage is so over. The guy resents his wife. He resents his child. There is no team here. Just a guy who thinks that that his family owes him everything he demands just because he puts up with them.

This woman ought to go to counselling. By herself.

...if after six months she's trained her children to hate their father and is fucking someone else before the divorce papers are signed?

She had no business saying anything negative to the kids about their father, no matter how much of an asshole he is or was.

what really got me was that not only does he feel like "just a paycheck," it sounds like he won't LET her work (i don't have the column up anymore, but didn't it say something about how he wants her at home with the kid and the mom?)

it sounds like he wants to wear the mantle of husband and father, but doesn't actually want to take on any of the responsibilities involved. i think the best thing she could do is leave him, and whether or not she keeps the baby, aborts or puts it up for adoption is up to her.

MessyONE, I have no energy or desire to explain anything to someone like you, so let's just say you are judgmental (that's an understatement).

BTW, to care for HIS mother under the circumstances is beyond admirable.

What I wanted to say, though (and I haven't seen anyone else say that, I think, although I didn't have the time to look through all the posts on this subject yet), is, what is "MY daughter" supposed to mean? It's THEIR daughter.

you got him figured out, but then you fall short with the 'wife'. why? for personal reasons? did you totally miss that the wife doesn't want to attend to the daughter they already have and escape into 'work' world? did it escape you that there's also an elderly woman in the house, someone's mother? what are her feelings about spending the day raising a downs syndrome kid? the wife never said in her letter, so it hasn't occured to her. the wife wants to knock out the kids and the happy family, but she doesn't want to stick around to do the work. THAT is why hubby wants out. He KNOWS that the dingdong wife doesn't have a clue, and is compounding the misery with yet another kid. You mentioned sex, getting off , dominance.....this clearly shows that you've got issues yourself. If you honestly think that every act of physical intimacy is driven by love, not lust, then you are a big liar.

...

MessyONE:

...if after six months she's trained her children to hate their father and is fucking someone else before the divorce papers are signed? She had no business saying anything negative to the kids about their father, no matter how much of an asshole he is or was.

Wonderful over the top response Messy.

'want nothing to do with' /= hate.

Is it to hard to possibly believe that the children also felt abandoned, if he didn't get in contact with them for 6 months.

Class act is just that. From the *wording* of the response, that mother also smoothed things over for her ex and his kids.

Anyway... back to the LW. If he refuses to go to counselling, and as there are many underlying problems with this marriage, I agree that it is, indeed, over. Communication and compromise are lacking here, and the avenue to bring those both back in, via therapy, is a closed door. I've been in this position (thankfully without a child) and when one refuses to continue counselling in the face of major problems, it's toast. (Though, in my case, I found out a while later that he 'felt that I had put the counsellor up to' her responses to him in his 'by himself' therapy sessions. He didn't like the feed-back he was getting, I guess.) Oh.. he refused to 'find another counsellor' in case this one doesn't work out, was also rejected.

catbert:

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What I wanted to say, though (and I haven't seen anyone else say that, I think, although I didn't have the time to look through all the posts on this subject yet), is, what is "MY daughter" supposed to mean? It's THEIR daughter.

Hmm. I actually see nothing wrong with it. Many people use the singular form instead of the 'royal we' signifyer when talking about their children.

Though it could also be an indicator that either she feels rejected (and unconsciously uses the singular form) or she feels that the husband rejects the daughter.

When a person feels rejected by a spouse, one can unconsciously devolve to the single possessives. (My dog, my house, etc. ) I know I did.

i will not respond to posts that include personal attacks. please change your tone.

intersurfa:

you got him figured out, but then you fall short with the 'wife'. why? for personal reasons? did you totally miss that the wife doesn't want to attend to the daughter they already have and escape into 'work' world? did it escape you that there's also an elderly woman in the house, someone's mother? what are her feelings about spending the day raising a downs syndrome kid? the wife never said in her letter, so it hasn't occured to her. the wife wants to knock out the kids and the happy family, but she doesn't want to stick around to do the work. THAT is why hubby wants out. He KNOWS that the dingdong wife doesn't have a clue, and is compounding the misery with yet another kid. You mentioned sex, getting off , dominance.....this clearly shows that you've got issues yourself. If you honestly think that every act of physical intimacy is driven by love, not lust, then you are a big liar.

Where do you get that she doesn't want to deal with her responsibilities? Do you think that the only way the MIL & daughter can be taken care of is if the LW stays home at thir feet all day every day?

Many, many, many couples with kids, elderly parents, diabetic dogs, whatever their considerations are, find a way. She can do work out of her home, like selling Avon or one of thousands of real, successful home businesses. She can work nights, while he works days. She can work weekends while he is at home with his daughter & mother.

It sounds to me as if this woman has accepted far more responsibilities that are her due. The fact that he husband feels depressed is NOT her responsibility. It's a problem she has to help him deal with, but ultimately, it's HIS problemt o sort out. His "feelings" are ultimately his to control. HE brought his mother into their home, for whatever reasons we do not know. HE fathered both the disabled child and the unborn one. HE failed to ensure he would not father a second child. HE refuses counselling and refuses to accept his wife's assistance in mediating his probably self-imposed financial burden. (Want to bet he insists on a Disney vaccation every year, or a 5-bedroom house?)

He has no sympathy from me.

Wrenn:

catbert:

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What I wanted to say, though (and I haven't seen anyone else say that, I think, although I didn't have the time to look through all the posts on this subject yet), is, what is "MY daughter" supposed to mean? It's THEIR daughter.

Hmm. I actually see nothing wrong with it.

I see plenty wrong with my husband stating he doesn't want to support me and my retarded daughter anymore, when in reality I stay at home on his insistence and the daughter is just as much his as she is mine.