Dear Blasted,

Yes, you are too sensitive. It's music, nothing more. Besides, what are you going to do? Dump him over his taste in music? Insist he stop listening to it? If he's a great boyfriend the former is silly and the latter is simply psycho bitch material.

PhysicsGirl

Dear My Kid is Normal,

You can't make someone focus on something. If they complement your kid, say thanks. If they diss their kid, your reply that he's really great is fine. If they're insulted by this, then that's their problem because they've now put you in a situation where there is no answer you can give that isn't insulting. I mean, the alternative response of, "Yeah, your Timmy may simply be a short busser" isn't going to win you any friends either.

PhysicsGirl

Dear Not in Love,

It sounds like you're not capable of choosing love without the associated drama. You have to decide what you want. If you like what you have now, keep it. If you want love and drama, dump your boyfriend.

PhysicsGirl

Dear Nest-Featherer

What the hell ever happened to simply talking to them like a reasonable human being? They may ignore you, but they may also stop throwing their cigerettes in the yard. Sending them a pithy gift simply means that you're declaring apartment dweller war. That's an action that should not be taken lightly.

PhysicsGirl

The last three are excellent!

The first one, I think the LW may actually have a point. She isn't asking him to stop listening to the music, she is asking him to stop making her listen to the music during sex. I look at it as any other fetish (notice she says he can't get it up without it) - it is neither good nor bad but if it is essential, you are going to have to find a matching partner. She isn't matching. So yes, she should probably break up with him rather than trying to make a life with somebody that has a fetish that turns her off.

On re-read, she says he is 'extremely lackluster' so maybe he can get it up but just doesn't do much with it. Either way, it sounds like a fetish to me.

Crying does it for me. Her crying not me.

I'm kidding.

Some people can tune out music easily and some can't. Not being able to tune it out doesn't make someone a bitch.

The music isn't the issue, having an environment during sex that pleases both people is the issue. If one person has a fetish or just a preference, certainly there should be compromise, but the person without the fetish should NOT have to be the one doing ALL the compromising. If he is never able to give her good sex in an atmosphere that she enjoys, is she willing to ALWAYS be the one who sacrifices what she wants sexually? I don't think that's a fair arrangement.

She's not being a bitch just because she doesn't want to be only on the giving end. Sheesh, and you're a geek?

Clara:

Some people can tune out music easily and some can't. Not being able to tune it out doesn't make someone a bitch.

Read her letter again. She says, " Although I find the music unpleasant and distracting, I don't object when I feel focused enough to block it out. What really bothers me are the awful themes." and "It disturbs me that a seemingly well-adjusted man in his 30s is aroused by torture fantasies set to music." She didn't say that she couldn't tune it out on those occasions when the boyfriend listens to this type of music. She specifically objects to the music itself..

Clara:

but the person without the fetish should NOT have to be the one doing ALL the compromising.

True. And notice that they don't always have sex with his music blaring.

Clara:

If he is never able to give her good sex in an atmosphere that she enjoys, is she willing to ALWAYS be the one who sacrifices what she wants sexually? I don't think that's a fair arrangement.

Life isn't fair. If he is not capable of "giving" her good sex without the music, well that's simply a fact that can't be changed. At this point she has to ask herself whether everything else in the relationship makes is worth keeping or not. In any case, that wasn't what she asked in her letter. Her specific question was,

"I really don't know what to think about someone who wants to listen to Cannibal Corpse when he makes love to me. Am I being oversensitive about this?"

She's asking us to tell her what to think, not how to spice up her sex life.

iscandara:

She's not being a bitch just because she doesn't want to be only on the giving end.

Read what I wrote. While the internet washing out the ability to determine the emotion behind a statement, the literal meaning of the statement is still there. I stated, "Dump him over his taste in music? Insist he stop listening to it? If he's a great boyfriend the former is silly and the latter is simply psycho bitch material."

No where in that statement do I say that she's being a bitch because she doesn't want to be the only one on the giving end. I said that insisting your SO stop listening to a type of music is psycho and bitchy. She hasn't done that but it appears that she may be contemplating it....

iscandara:

Sheesh, and you're a geek?

DNC. Geeks can use the word, "bitch" . By defintion, a geek is, "a peculiar or otherwise odd person, especially one who is perceived to be overly obsessed with one or more things including those of intellectuality, electronics, gaming, etc" (<link>). If you find a definition that includes not using the word bitch, I'll change my tagline.

I can see why she is disturbed by his taste in music. I looked up some of their songs on wiki and found the titles:
Dismembered and Molested
Necropedophile
Fucked with a Knife
Entrails Ripped from a Virgin's Cunt
Meat Hook Sodomy

I can't believe the LW really has to ask what she should think about this. She needs to ask him: Is it the sound of the music that gives you "energy" or is it the lyrical content?

She has to force herself to tune it out though- it's unpleasant and distracting to her and she needs to focus to block it out. And while she can force herselft to tune out the sound, she isn't able to tune out the content. To some people, music is just noise, they don't even notice the words, but to others, the music can't be separated from the lyrics.

That to me is still a matter of sexual environment. She doesn't like her sexual environment pervaded by music about rape and torture.

Life may not be fair, but that's no reason to stay in a sexually unfulfilling relationship. It's not a compromise when the choice is between lackluster sex in an environment she likes and good sex only when being made to listen to something that bothers her. I mean, come on, necropedophilia? You're honestly telling me that if your boyfriend had to listen to that to have good sex, you'd be fine with it? You'd be all "oh I don't want to be a bitch, so I'll just pretend it's not about sex with dead children."

The first letter writer should dump the boyfriend. That's not a loving, intimate environment.

My last girlfriend wanted to listen to jazz. That's romantic.

Meat Hook Sodomy. "Those were good times" he says wistfully, "good times."

I disagree with the potential psycho-bitch assessment. She is willing to do him with the music, but has to focus. On herself. He, in the meantime, doesn't seem to be able to focus on her on the non-metal romps, and certainly is using the music as his focal point when it's on. I just don't see the two of them having intimate, mutually-pleasing sex in either case. They're incompatible, and it's not all her fault. I actually think he's kind of an ass for needing the music to get into having sex with her (anyone) rather than her presence.

She should just plug in her ipod!

Just kidding of course. ;)

Plus, depending on his perspective of music, he may not actually be listening to, and or interpreting the lyrics. My husband and I deal with this sometimes. He plays guitar, so when he hears a song, he notices the riffs and the rhythms and the overall sound of the song. I sing, so when I listen to music I pay attention to the words and the meaning of the song. Now many times he has been listening to some great song that he adores (and I usually like as well), and I come along and tell him that it's about a guy cheating on his wife (perhaps I'm a bit bitchy...). The fact that he enjoys the song does not mean that he intends to cheat on his wife. He just focuses on a different part of the music than I do.

This could be the case with the LW's BF. Given the fact that the words to most death metal is unintelligible at best, and out and out screaming at worst, (although I have seen guys at concerts singing along with the band, which usually scares me), it is entirely likely that he doesn't even know what the hell they are singing about. Which is in line with what the LW said. And I think it's been proven that music can affect your body and heart rate, so if her way is in stark silence, and his way is with raging instruments it could explain a less than stellar performance. She could try to find some music is a different genre that is equally as fast as death metal, and see if it really is the tempo that helps him perform.