I used to support the idea that one shouldn't molly coddle tubbies because it's not a healthy condition, so one ought to take some action to dispel the beliefs in some folks that being obese is just dandy. The question, though, was what action.

That depends on the person and the nature of the relationship. Full out stigmatizing the fatties is really only best reserved for drill sargeants and or people sharing a life boat/desert island. The former because, well, hell, that's how boot camp works- break down the old person and rebuild the new.

Somewhat less severe stigmatizing, or rather just teasing, is fine between male friends. Refering to your male friend as "fatboy" is normal, and if he starts crying or binge eating, then you can stigmatize him for being a pussy.

Female friends? Nope. Can't do it. In this case, you ought to find a better, more positive way to get them to lose weight. This is a major problem when dealing with a tubby daughter. My kid is overweight and I refuse to even acknowlege it. Why? Because I'm also responsible for her self esteem and hitting a 13 year old on her weight is way to, uh, heavy. So, no stigmatization, and in fact, the dad's always got to make the kid feel good about themselves (well, not in terms of behavior-- that's where you can lay it on them hard and heavy).

So, that leaves these options: being a good example in diet and exercise; getting the kid to participate and try to enforce good eating and activity habits; putting them into enough activities so they aren't sitting around with nothing to do but watch the tube or surf the net.

But stigmatizing a daughter will just end up fucking her up in many fundamental ways that can be far worse than the health effects of obesity.

Somewhat less severe stigmatizing, or rather just teasing, is fine between male friends. Refering to your male friend as "fatboy" is normal, and if he starts crying or binge eating, then you can stigmatize him for being a pussy.

Female friends? Nope. Can't do it. In this case, you ought to find a better, more positive way to get them to lose weight.

What a ghastly sentiment. Tell me you're being facetious. (And, please, tell me you don't really have a 13 year-old daughter.)

modenastradale:

What a ghastly sentiment. Tell me you're being facetious. (And, please, tell me you don't really have a 13 year-old daughter.)

I think OP was being slightly facetious, but there is some truth to his thinking. For some reasons, males seem to hold up to verbal jibes about their weight better than females. Or at least, males are much, much, much less likely to develop an eating disorder. The breakdown of people with eating disorders is something like 95% female / 5% male.

I'm not sure why this is, but I too would be more nervous about pushing my young daughter (if I had one) to lose weight. I'd rather have an overweight daughter than an anorexic one, though I'd prefer she was just healthy.

You didn't respond to a lot of positive stuff from the original post. I think the notion of leading by example is an important one. I think my waistline would have been better off if my parents had been more athletic. The reverse seems to be true; I think family members who are unsupportive of one's weight loss program can really damage its effectiveness. It's very difficult to be good about diet and exercise when everyone around you is not (which is what the studies referenced in the article seem to imply).

I think OP was being slightly facetious, but there is some truth to his thinking. For some reasons, males seem to hold up to verbal jibes about their weight better than females. Or at least, males are much, much, much less likely to develop an eating disorder.

It is a commonly held belief that men are impervious to body image-related disorders, but that simply isn't true. Yes, anorexia nervosa specifically is diagnosed in disproportionate numbers among women. But many other disorders affect men and women equally, or, in the case of body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), are now believed to affect men more often than women. (BDD is particularly pernicious because it has the highest completed suicide rate of any mental illness, if I recall correctly.)

The fact is, it's always wrong to try to shame or humiliate a person about his or her physical appearance. It's always emotionally damaging (regardless of whether the person's mental anguish rises to the level of a clinically recognized disorder); and it's usually unproductive, too.

I do agree that setting a positive example for one's children is an excellent idea, as is making sure that the children regularly engage in physical activity, eat a balanced diet, etc. But the OP's daughter is still overweight -- so it hasn't been enough. Rather than turn a blind eye to her development because of some sexist double standard, the OP might instead consider a more direct -- but supportive and constructive -- form of intervention.

modenastradale:

I do agree that setting a positive example for one's children is an excellent idea, as is making sure that the children regularly engage in physical activity, eat a balanced diet, etc. But the OP's daughter is still overweight -- so it hasn't been enough. Rather than turn a blind eye to her development because of some sexist double standard, the OP might instead consider a more direct -- but supportive and constructive -- form of intervention.

Or he could consider that if his daughter is eating healthy and getting enough activity she is healthy even though she's not skinny.

Maybe the reason why females are more prone to eating disorders is that the ideal in magazines for a man is healthy while the ideal for a woman would only be healthy for a 12-14 year old. And by the way, there are a lot of men who are gym addicts.

What a ghastly sentiment. Tell me you're being facetious. (And, please, tell me you don't really have a 13 year-old daughter.)

Yes, I do. And my guess is she'd kick your ass in a New York minute, pussy boy.

Yes, I do. And my guess is she'd kick your ass in a New York minute, pussy boy.

LOL. I see.

Or he could consider that if his daughter is eating healthy and getting enough activity she is healthy even though she's not skinny.

It's possible, but if the daughter is significantly overweight (as for some reason I took the OP to imply), it's not very likely. These days, there is a LOT of confusion over what constitutes healthful diet and exercise patterns -- particularly diet.

The food and restaurant industry is literally infested with false claims of healthfulness. Chain restaurants tout their "garden fresh salads" and "finest quality ingredients" while actively concealing the fact that a single salad might have 1,500 calories and 87 grams of fat. Packaged food producers slap all sorts of meaningless feel-good labels on their products while at the same time calculating absurd portion sizes for the FDA labels.

Given these circumstances, it's understandable that many Americans consume too many of the wrong types of calories, get fat, and continue to believe that they are eating healthfully.

This is a major problem when dealing with a tubby daughter. My kid is overweight and I refuse to even acknowlege it. Why? Because I'm also responsible for her self esteem and hitting a 13 year old on her weight is way to, uh, heavy.

But stigmatizing a daughter will just end up fucking her up in many fundamental ways that can be far worse than the health effects of obesity.

I just have to say that ignoring your daughter's weight problem is going to be more harmful to her in the long run. I can assure you that she is probably well aware of her weight issue and is probably confused and/or angry at your ignorance towards it. Chances are, she has been teased or at least commented on by other kids, which is far more dangerous to her fragile self-esteem than any polite and constructive criticism you could offer.

I say this from personal experience. Growning up, I never really took any real interest in my weight. Sometimes, my mother would comment that I should start watching what I ate, and without thinking twice, I did. This saved me from becoming overweight for most of my adolescent life. However, after a medical problem, I began a medication that caused me to balloon. My family ignored, denied, and then later minimized the problem through half-truths and blatant lies. This has caused some serious trust issues amoung myself and those who tried to "help" and "protect" me from the reality of my weight problem.

So while you may think you are doing what is in your daughter's best interest, you are doing a great disservice to her by denying and ignoring her problem. A problem which is so shameful and humiliating, that she probably is too embarrassed to even speak about. By offering her a loving and supportive environment, you can help her from any further emotional damage that will only worsen as she ages.

...between stigmatizing her and ignoring the problem?

I'd have thought that pushing a healthy diet, pushing exercise (and being a good example on both counts), and positive reinforcement would do wonders...?

I like the general tone of what I'm hearing in this string. I think the absolute best way to influence another person is to live in a way that you are proud of and actually model the behavior you want them to adopt. Then, if they approach you for guidance, provide it to them caringly at that time because that is when they will be receptive. We too often rely on preaching and belittling people. That may work sometimes, but it doesn't always work and it certainly has negative consequences.

I don't know the ultimate answer to dealing with children and weight issues, but modeling healthy eating and exercise should definitely be the start. Here is my personal experience...My parents had weight problems and horrible eating habits. My parents were embarrassed of their own weight and they also told their children that we were fat and lazy. When my sister was in 2nd grade she was overweight and the school contacted mom to discuss the problem. Mom agreed for the school to serve my sister a "special" lunch which was just like everyone else’s lunch without the dessert. The other kids noticed and upped their teasing of her, and the eating habits in our home remained the same. We would go through a week of eating "good" food cooked poorly with no spices for flavor followed by a longer period of having fast food, pizza, cake, ice-cream, or coke floats for dinner. My sister continued to have the negative health effects of being heavy plus the negative emotional (which eventually translate into physical health) effects of being singled out for something that she really couldn't control at that point because she didn't have a choice about the food that was being served. All of the children in our family have struggled to learn how to live healthy lives and have struggled with disordered eating. I continue this struggle and have found that it isn't helpful for me to be told that I am bad or lazy or stupid or incapable of basic calorie math. What is helping me maintain a healthy weight is to get myself into an environment where I am not judged and good habits are practiced without a lot of fanfare.

Other experiences like this may be why so many people are "sensitive" to the idea that stigmatizing fat people is a positive road to take. It isn't that they can't face the facts, that being overweight is unhealthy, it is that so often the message has been sent in a belittling and ineffective way.

I scrolled through this thread after I glanced at that comment...just to say seriously that I work with teen girls and I would bet that your daughter knows that you call her "tubby" in your head even if you don't say it out loud. Your presentation of your unwillingness to "acknowledge it" can contribute to her sense of shame because kids can pick up discrepancies between what their parents say and what they think. Daughters thrive when they know their dads see and love them in both their strengths and their weaknesses, if that is true, she will see it in your face, if it's not, she knows that, too. If she ever came across that post and knew it was from you--what would she think?? Being able to kick someone's ass is cold consolation for hearing a father say he's not telling his daughter she's tubby because girls can't handle the truth.