1. This is why many people who carry such children to term choose to give them up for adoption. Then someone else can deal with these questions. Okay, she's 10. She's old enough to start to hear the truth. Sit her down. Explain how much you love her. Then tell her that good things often come from bad experiences. Finally, tell her that a man hurt you years ago, and he was her father. Save the term "rape" for when she's a bit older, unless she brings it up.

(Here's a problem with Prudie's approach. What if something happens to Mom, and she is never able to explain it that way? Then Grandma or someone can bluntly answer, "Oh. Your dad was the stranger who raped your mom." Plus, in the meantime, the daughter will think Mom used to be a prostitute. Ten year olds are not that naive anymore.)

2. It was inproper for this person to take advantage of her authority over you to pressure you in this way. You need to be blunt and state simply, "I am not interested." If she hounds you about it, report her to the board of the agency.

3. It depends on what state you are in. If you decide to cohabitate, marry, or bear children together, check with a lawyer about local laws. If it's prohibited in your state, go to another one.

4. Offer to split the cost with the in-laws. If they won't spring for it, pay for it and let the matter drop to save familial relations. In the future, tell her you need it "this afternoon", and go after it. Or better yet, keep an inventory of what you take there and try not to leave anything behind.

I have to disagree on 4.

In case she already had brain damage, he emphasized to his sister the need to pack the item carefully, something she obviously disregarded. It's one thing for an employee at Acme Inc to be negligent with your possessions, but you expect a little more care from close family relations. Every time you post something, it's a roll of the dice and what she did was pure negligence, plain and simple. She should cough up - the onus is on her to keep the relationship from suffering, not the other way round.

Of course the in-law should pay for the damages. But if she refuses, is it worth the rift?

If they don't have $700, it may be. But I suspect they can afford it. Perhaps they can put it on homeowner's insurance?

The SIL is responsible for the damage.

What the hell difference does it make that the negligent one is a family member?

It is true the onus is on the sender. The question though is how big of a family rift and problems is the LW willing to go? I agree with Neato, open up a discussion with the SIL and figure out what she is willing to do to cover the expense. It may be that she cannot cover the expense all at once. If SIL avoids responsiblity then the LW and his wife need to figure out how badly they want to get the SIL to pay and at what expense to family dynamics. Are they willing to not be speaking to the SIL and her family for a couple of years from now over a laptop screen. Besides, the screen has to be fixed either way.

On a side note: Did anyone else stumble over the fact that the LW's wife forgot an expensive and fairly large piece of equipment at someones house? Perhaps it is just me, but when I take my laptop anywhere very rearly does it leave my reach. I guess I put forgetting laptops up there with forgetting ones drivers license, atm/credit/debit cards, or even keys.

I had a brother in law who twice dropped our TV while we were moving and killed it. He didn't trip, and I asked if he could handle it, no bad back. I understand things happen, but yeah, you do expect more from family and those cheapos wouldn't pony up a cent, either.

I think even if you pay, there's going to be a rift because you're going to feel slighted by them. It doesn't take a genius to know how to properly pack and ship things, I do it all the time thru ebay, and I offer insurance on it. But the important thing is, she cost you twice. If UPS won't pay, then she should. And I would take her to small claims if she didn't.

The old saying goes 'The Devil gives you your relatives. Thank G-d you can choose your friends.'

You can also choose your spouse, but LW#4 had the experience of a dim-witted / negligent sister (who can't pack a laptop properly) and he still went and married and equally careless wife (who forgets a 2-week-old gadget worth 4 figures).

If this is the first time something like this happens, consider it a single data point and give the involved parties the benefit of the doubt. Cough up the $700 and be glad it was a relatively cheap way to learn the lesson (at least they didn't ship & damage something irreplaceable).

If something similar has happened before (or happens in the future), identify the trend early, get a divorce, change your identity and get as far away as possible from your poor marital choice and your costly careless relatives.

Half kiddingly, Dan

iscandara:

I had a brother in law who twice dropped our TV while we were moving and killed it. He didn't trip, and I asked if he could handle it, no bad back. I understand things happen, but yeah, you do expect more from family and those cheapos wouldn't pony up a cent, either.

I think even if you pay, there's going to be a rift because you're going to feel slighted by them. It doesn't take a genius to know how to properly pack and ship things, I do it all the time thru ebay, and I offer insurance on it. But the important thing is, she cost you twice. If UPS won't pay, then she should. And I would take her to small claims if she didn't.

Just how much were you paying BIL for his services as a mover?

You want movers' insurance, hire a mover. Cheapo.

;)

Seems to me that the mistake here was not the poor packing, but the leaving of the laptop in the first place. That's where at least the initial responsibility lies--with the wife. Then, the LW made mistake number two and chose to let the SIL send it when it was an easy drive to go get it? So, mistake for the LW! To me, that's two mistakes before the SIL even packed the damned thing. Further, if the laptop was important at all to the LW, wouldn't he have gone to get it? 90 minutes is nothing--many of us are in traffic at least half that long each way to work! Ultimately, it was him who chose to have it sent, and not from a pro, but from his sister.

Now, I'm not trying to absolve the SIL completely, and I would hope she'd offer to pay half of the damages, but, damn, the way I see it, she thought she was doing a favor! And even if she is an idiot and incapable of packing, seems she's responsible for only the third bad decision in this fiasco! Finally, the box would have had to have been phenominally bad to cause screen breakage. Is it possible it was broken before forgetting it at SIL's house?

I notice that ctdsrtyr didn't like your post either.

Your answer to LW #1 is clearly better than Prudie's. In many ways you have to put your children's interests ahead of your own comfort and convenience and this is one of them.

I've been in a situation similar to LW #2's position. A good friend invited me to have an Amway sales pitch once, although they are NEVER allowed to mention the name of the company until ten minutes into the pitch. After fifteen minutes I told the jerk pitchman that he was only in my home because my friend asked me to meet with them, and that we would still be friends but he was leaving immediately. He got the hint, packed his stuff, and left.

Your answer to #3 misses one very critical point. She's only met the guy five times, and that's not enough to make a decision with lifelong consequences. Going slow would be advisable, although he might make a good FWB.

LW #4's SIL needs to offer to pay for the computer fix, but the wife needs to pay attention to her belongings.

IncogNeato:

... tell her that good things often come from bad experiences. Finally, tell her that a man hurt you years ago, and he was her father. Save the term "rape" for when she's a bit older, unless she brings it up.

I had the same thought about LW1, that at 10 years old, with only the vague info prudie's source suggested in her mind, her imagination would run wild, thinking mom was a slut or a professional. A 10 year old in smart enough to figure all the ways a woman could get pregnant without knowing the father, and then in her head (IMO) she'd be thinking... "it couldn't have been rape, because mom didn't say it was an attack or that anyone hurt her or anything, mom just said she didn't know the person, if it were an attack she woulda said so..."

And also... 10 year olds are already somewhat knowledgable about some of these issues, from when they were even younger- ... what with stranger-danger programs and things where they are taught that some people might hurt you on the "spots where your bathing suit covers" and to not be afraid to tell someone...

I cannot imagine that small claims court would force the SIL to pay for it. When someone leaves something at your home and you agree -- as a favor -- to go to the trouble of shipping it to them, as far as I'm concerned, they lose the ability to complain. If he'd wanted to make sure it was packed properly, he should have told her to take it somewhere that specializes in shipping, like UPS. There are places that pack items professionally. Furthermore, it's very easy to say in the letter that she clearly packed it inadequately, but that's going to be in the eye of the beholder. Different people have different senses of what's adequate packing.

If you're careless enough with a laptop to leave it behind (and seriously...what?), you can either go get it yourself, or you can hope for the best from whomever agrees to ship it to you -- as, I repeat, a favor to you. If you want to make sure it's safe, go pick it up yourself. If you agree not to pick it up yourself, then the risk, it seems to me, is on you, because you left it in the first place.

It seems to me that this is really about being pissed at his wife -- he wanted to go pick it up, and his wife and her sister decided not to heed his advice, and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED, and he's mad because they didn't do what he said. It's his wife's computer; his wife took a perhaps unwise risk with it. He needs to take that up with his wife, not her sister.

tonto_goldberg:

I notice that ctdsrtyr didn't like your post either.

Yeah, I went & dissed its only post.

tonto_goldberg:

Your answer to #3 misses one very critical point. She's only met the guy five times, and that's not enough to make a decision with lifelong consequences. Going slow would be advisable, although he might make a good FWB.

Well, yeah, it's way early to be comtemplating a solid future together. My point is, until they get to that point, who cares? I believe the states which forbid step-sibling marriages were assuming step-sibling who grew up together, so one doesn't abuse the the other, and cover it up by getting married. Just don't make it so uncomfortable that you can't stand both to be in the parents' house at the same time later.

IncogNeato:

Yeah, I went & dissed its only post.

but you didn't though... it says you left that message on the 16th (yeah I'm nosey).... so does that mean ctdsrtyr actually came over and thumbs downed you purely out of spite? That is so lame. And your reply to their post was entirely cordial and in no way really "dissed" anybody... I mean, if it was spite over such a nicely worded post, I hate to see the reaction if someone actually was dissing ctdsrtyr.