Keep It Private:

When the kids find it and watch it--and they will find it, and will watch it--they will have a chuckle. Then they will burn it. Then they will forget it. No worries.

P.S.: Glad you had a hot marriage. Most will never discover what such a thing is.

Brotherly Love:

It's not your relationship, thus not your business. It was unfortunate that she cheated on you, but she's clearly moved on. So should you. It's what you would want your brother to do had you won her.

Colorblind:

"And is there a diplomatic way to point out to her that the "mean" girl is a product of her own racist imagination?"

What about: "The 'mean' girl is a product of your own racist imagination. You know that, right?" If she's self-aware enough to call herself a "closet" racist, she had better prepared to get called on it

Confused Family Member:

"At Christmas last year, Beatrice pulled me and my brother outside and asked us why we don't call her 'Grandma.' "

Answer: "We love you, Beatrice, but we don't want to call you 'Grandma', so we won't, okay?" Perhaps add: "But you know this already, Beatrice, so why are you forcing it? It's painful."

"Beatrice, every time you ask me to call you grandma, I'm going to delay calling you grandma for five years. Funny thing is, I was ready, starting Monday, to call you grandma! But now we have to wait five years."

" I was ready, starting Monday....."

Hilarious!

its yggy:

"Beatrice, every time you ask me to call you grandma, I'm going to delay calling you grandma for five years. Funny thing is, I was ready, starting Monday, to call you grandma! But now we have to wait five years."

That's harsh. The correct response, though it may have been hard to admit to her, would be, "Our parents have always called you Beatrice. They taught us to. It would be weird now to change that, after all these years."

After all, it's not like these kids got up a few days earlier, went to their secret clubhouse, and decided, "Hey! Let's call Grandma by her first name from now on! After all, she isn't really our grandmother!"

I'm putting myself in place of someone asked by a 75 year-old woman why I won't call her grandma.

Pity - This is just sad. Maybe I will so the old bat doesn't break down or something.

Offense - Ask a stupid question...

The question itself is either pitiful or offensive. I don't like her authoritative stance. Yes, technically, she may be in a familial relation to me called "grandmother," but something tells me she's not after logical completion. She's trying to coerce me into accepting her as that familial role. You don't want to get into a battle of wills with me, IcogNeato. I can be one stubborn son of a bitch! And the more you push, the less willing I'll ever be to accept your position.

So that's the root of my comment. Tact be damned. If you're trying to fit into my family, be cool. Really cool. Don't try to manipulate people. Maybe I'll grow to like you. If I do grow to like you, I'll let you know.

"She's trying to coerce me into accepting her as that familial role."

That's what pricked me about it, too. It doesn't bode well for our relationship if you seek to muscle familiarity out of me.

Nomenclature hasn't been a requirement in my feelings to family. We never, ever called my aunts & uncles by those titles. My older brother claims we called one "Aunt Bea", but I don't remember doing so.

My husband's nieces & nephews call me by first name only. My kids call him by his first name. Any of those kids would defend either of us to the death. (Well, maybe except one ...)

One of my allegedly close relatives, whom we do use a familial appellation with, could drop dead and not be missed by several of us.

My parents have well over a dozen grandkids & great-grandkids. My parents answer to about 6 different names each, just from those 2 generations, plus several variants of "Mom" from my siblings and myself.

We don't know the age of the LW, but I think it shows that the parents think they "answered correctly." I'd have left biology out of my answer, and essentially said, "Because I never have." If she pressed and asked if I would call her that, I might or I might not. I do wonder why it's bothering her now, after all these years, unless one of the step-kids said something nasty to her, or one of her friends bragged about new step-grandkids calling her "grandma."

I went back and reread the letter, and this woman honestly sounds sad. Nobody in the family has given her the "grandma" stamp-- and it doesn't sound like any of them ever will. I can see how that would get a person down.

And if you read it closely the letter writer is not totally opposed to calling her "grandma." She's just worried it disrepects the memory of her "real" grandma. Ball's really in Confused Family Member's court.

One thing I don't agree with is Prudie here:

You all sound old enough to discuss this with your parents directly. Ask them why they remain so angry. Then ask yourselves, why not honor the only grandmother you have ever known by calling her "Grandma"?

Prudie wants CFM to go on some crusade to get grandma accepted? That ain't going anywhere!