Sure, there's no apparent reason in the letter for the adults holding a grudge against Beatrice, but on the other hand, why is Beatrice putting the grandchildren on the spot over a label?

Isn't the relationship between them what really matters? Is being called Grandma going to suddenly change the nature of that relationship? If they don't have a good grandparent relationship, putting the kids in between the two generations of adults hardly seems like a good strategy for developing one. If they do have a good relationship, why the hang up on being "honored" by a particular name? Seems odd to me. There are an awful lot of possible terms of endearment that can evolve in a situation like this one; forcing one particular label doesn't make a lot of sense to me, especially knowing that it will cause friction between the grandchild and his/her parents.

bagelwoman:

Sure, there's no apparent reason in the letter for the adults holding a grudge against Beatrice, but on the other hand, why is Beatrice putting the grandchildren on the spot over a label?

Maybe now that the grandchildren are adults (or are nearly adults) she wants to know why there hasn't been any attempt to give her a family name. I imagine that it's upsetting for your husband's family not to accept you years and even decades after your marriage.....

My point though is that assuming that the label determines whether she's been rejected or not is strange. If she's truly been rejected, and they don't have a relationship, calling her grandma isn't going to change a thing, and asking for it is only going to make things worse in all likelihood. If she hasn't been rejected, and they have a close relationship but just have never called her Grandma, why is it so important to have that label that she would put the grandkids in a position of having to fight it out with their apparently unreasonable parents?

I think the fixation on labels is odd and is probably a distractor from the real questions about their family relationships.

PhysicsGirl:

I imagine that it's upsetting for your husband's family not to accept you years and even decades after your marriage.....

To be fair, we can't know from the letter that the grandkids haven't accepted her. Yes, it seems evident the kids haven't, but the issue here is with the grandkids. All we know is the kids don't call her grandma, and they have a legitimate factual reason for it. They might well love her, and show it in other ways - the letter never indicates one way or the other.

Coming from a grandchild who actually has step grandparents I have known all my life I know the annimosity that can be caused, but for the sake of the next generation should not be spread. My mother's parents divorced when she was very young. A couple of years later both grandparents remarried. My grandfather married a woman and they were married for over 30 years (both my grandparents were very young when they originally married) she had 2 children of her own and then my mom and her siblings equaled 4, so 6 kids alltogther. My grandmother married and divorced several times before she married the man she has been married to for 28 years (they got married when I was 18 months old). My uncle (my mom's brother) has always had an annimosity against the woman his father married, to this day I am not sure why, but has never stopped his children from having the type of relationship with her that they choose. Growing up she was always Memma to us (one of her biological grandaughters started calling her this and it caught on with all of us). We always had a good relationship with her and although I think it is hard on my grandma from time to time to hear us call Memma, she understands it and has not made any big deals out of it. As for my step grandpa I have called him Pappa (although I am the only one) and all my cousins call him Grandpa. My mom even refers to her step parents as her mom and dad when she is talking about them with other people. My biological grandfather died about 12 years ago, so the only great-grandpa my duaghter has ever known is her Great-Pappa and he is the only grandfather I have left (on both sides of my family). I don't know what I would do without either step-grandparent in my life. I have been blessed to have so many grandparents.

I am not sure about the situation in the background, but I do not feel that the person's deceesed grandmother would have a problem with the grandchildren calling this woman Grandma or any other loving nickname they choose to call this woman who I assume has loved them like her own grandchildren and tried to love them not in replacement of their biological grandmother, but as a partner in raising healthy loved grandchildren.

I can understand why she is upset. My mother lost her father when I was very young. His tragic death and funeral is actually my first memory. I was about 2 1/2 and staying with my grandparents at their house in the country when a tractor flipped over and crushed my grandfather to death. About 4 years later my Granny remarried. While my mother's original father was called Papa by all the grandchildren our family reached an agreement that my Granny's new husband would be "Grandpa Bob". This was meant to honor the fact that my biological grandfather is still important but it was also meant not to down play the role my mother's stepfather took up. This poor lady has been that role model and filled the ideal of a grandmother and yet has never received any recognition. For my family the term is one of affection, respect and a synonym for love. Things happen and you can't control them. My Papa's death was horrible but my entire family was happy that my Granny found somebody else to share her life with. Unfortunately my "Grandpa Bob" died unexpectedly of a heart attack several years after he married my Granny. I feel so grateful that I got to know that great man for those years and loved him dearly. I am thankful that he knew just how much our entire family loved and accepted him. Life is too short to live bitter and to not let those we love and care about know exactly how we feel. I would be hurt too if I had spent years "filling in" for a deceased grandparent and never being acknowledged.

I'm sure she does, but from the LW's letter it doesn't sound like she knows, either. Kids call their grandparents whatever their parents teach them to.

"I would be hurt too if I had spent years "filling in" for a deceased grandparent and never being acknowledged."

OK, I feel like a broken record, but why is being called "grandma" seen to be the mark of being acknowledged? What about the time spent together, the hugs and kisses, the "thank yous" and "I love yous"? Isn't that what matters? If those things are there, does being called Beatrice instead of Grandma really undermine them or make them less meaningful? Why should an adult potentially sacrifice the relationship by putting the grandchild into such an awkward position if she has the stuff that really matters?

If those things aren't there, isn't that the real problem and not the label? Why would I call someone who I have no attachment or relationship to by a special name, especially if it will hurt people who I do have relationships with?

I get it that names are important to people; I really do. My point though is that maybe in a time where family relationships are so complicated we should question that, and focus on the relationships instead. We should all question why it matters so much to us, why we would let it become a source of tension and anger in our family.

Sure, to you and me and other rational people, it's the relationship that really matters. And you're right that her questioning the kids suddenly about why she's not called "grandma" is "odd". And I have an idea about this situation.

I've seen a lot of marriage and divorces and something that people sometimes do before ending (especially a long-term) marriage is they go to the various family members and sort of feel them out about how they feel about things. I've known people to go to all the other members of the family and discuss with them the prospect of a divorce (and want to know how it will impact them) before they actually tell the person they're divorcing. It's a subtle way to either get people on your side or find out if you're going to irrevocably shoot yourself in the foot with the entire family.

PG kind of hit on it already on this thread with "I imaging that it's upsetting for your husband's family not to accept you years and even decades after your marriage."

Maybe "grandma" has had enough of being treated like a second-class citizen and is trying to find out if she matters. Maybe she's thinking she'd like to separate from her husband but worries about what it might do to the grandkids because she knows she's the only grandma they've ever known. So, she takes them aside and asks them why they have never called her grandma. Is it because they've been taught not to or is it because they don't think of her as a grandma?

I'm not sure she asked so much because she wants to be called grandma as she wants to know how much she matters to this family.