I usually admire Prudence's advice, but her answer to Heavier and Hard-Up was very discriminatory. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! Heaven forbid a woman move into the plus sizes! There are plenty of women who proudly wear plus sizes, and look beautiful doing it! There are also plenty of men who appreciate them.

That is an extremely unhealthy and shallow relationship if it hinges on her maintaining a specific size. I am shocked that the advice was to examine her relationship with food, and not the romantic one. She said that she felt she must lose weight for him to love her! That's a HUGE red flag! No one should feel unloved just because they go up two sizes - whether it be from a 4 to a 6, or 26 to 28. Just because she crossed over the magical line into the plus sizes doesn't mean she is somehow suddenly subhuman and unworthy of love. If the man had gone up 2 sizes, even if he had crossed into the "big and tall" sizes, I seriously doubt that advice would have been so one-sided. What she really needs to examine is how shallow her boyfriend seems to be.

Shame on you, Prudie, for perpetuating the idea that plus-sized women don't deserve love, and that their weight is to blame for relationships not working. That's the notion that pushes so many into eating disorders.

I want my SO to live a long healthy life, obesity (and yes, if you're + sized, you're obese, sorry) raises the risks for so many diseases it's no wonder Alabama is implementing a fat tax.

If the man wants her to lose weight, the best thing he can do is excersize with her, promote a healthy lifestyle _including_ her, and encourage her every step of the way. _Not_ deliver ultimatums.

That's what I did with my wife, -boom- 70lb weight loss in a year, now I don't have to worry about things like diabetes or heart failure nearly as much, people just need encouragement, try it some time!

No one should feel unloved just because they move up two sizes. I couldn't agree with you more.

However, it is not a conscious choice to be physically attracted to someone. If I find that I am not attracted to women of a certain race, age, or body type, am I capable of changing that just by willing it? I doubt it.

The simple fact of the matter is that regardless of how deep and meaningful a relationship may be, one cannot overcome basic biology. I was in a similar situation with my girlfriend: after being together for a year, we had both put on a significant amount of weight, and we both found the other physically less attractive, despite the depth of our feelings for one another. We dieted, hit the gym, and got rid of the extra weight.

Is my story somehow more acceptable because it was mutual? Maybe, but if the weight gain is one-sided, then so will be the advice. Besides, the letter writer mentioned that her boyfriend still loves her, but that he wasn't excited about having sex with her anymore. That's not something you can fix with sensitivity therapy.

I hear you, Parsa. I'm totally stuck on one "type" of guy myself. That is probably why I would spend two or three years single after a breakup. I just can't help it. I'm stuck on a certain type of guy and that's just the way I am. When I tried to force myself to fall for a different kind of guy (because they were really nice and whatnot) it just didn't work.

However, I do feel bad for people who get passed up just because of a few pounds. If someone gains weight while in a relationship, sometimes their partner rejects them.

Heather, you are spot on. I don't care weather he is less attracted to + sized women or not. That wasn't your point. For Prudie to turn around & blame the LW is ridiculous! My initial though while hearing the letter was that the reason for her gaining that much weight (if not a medical condition) in that short of time has to be environmental. Clearly, the relationship comes with strings. The LW may not recognize the other ones now that her boyfriend has pulled the big one out. She will have trouble losing weight & keeping it off at this point because it's always going to be an issue between them. She needs to dump him, lose what she can but love herself regardless of what he thinks.

Good Luck, LW!

Finally! Someone says the same things I was thinking. I agree with both heatherglenn and MrsTeny on this one. There has to be *some* reason she has gained that much weight in such a short period of time, and it may not necessarily be her relationship with food that's the problem.

(the assumption that all plus-size women have an unhealthy relationship with food bothers me, too. There are many possible reasons for women to be plus-sized, and it's rather short-sighted and ill-informed to automatically assume it MUST be that one).

Excellent post, badfae.

I'd also like to point out that the LW didn't exactly "cross over" into plus sizes. In many stores, plus sizes begin at size 14. I say that from the perspective of being a woman who wears plus-size clothing. Sure, 14s and 16s - and even 18s - can be found in the misses' sections, but if you check the "womens" section of a department store, that's often what you'll find (albeit with a "W" following the numeric size). If you look in a store that caters exclusively to plus-size women, sizes start at 14.

I mean, f'reals, people - we live in a world where my email homepage carries a headline screaming BEYONCE GAINS 20 POUNDS! She's one of the most beautiful women in the country. But holy horror, she gained weight! This is what women in this country have to contend with - the perception that weight gain at ANY level compromises your value as a human being. And I assure you, it's tiresome.

My hubby has been overweight since a couple of months before we got married, and we've been married for 21 years.

When he proposed to me, our mantra was "young, thin, and in love". He was skinnier than me!

Then, he put on weight a little at a time. He's been disgusting to look at for the past 12 years. But I still love him. We don't have sex as often as he would like, and I've come up with all sorts of "reasons" why, but I would NEVER tell him the truth. THAT is the only thing I can faulth the LWs boyfriend for ... telling her something so hurtful, regardless of the truth.

As for his reasons or problems for gaining weight. He doesn't have any except that he eats too much and insists on fast food for lunch nearly every single day. Sure, he works out, but he refuses to do the cardio that would help him the most and looks at me like I'm stupid when I suggest sit-ups for that blubber around his middle.

But, he is a good man. And I love him. Period. I'm turned off sexually because of the way he looks, but there is more to my love for him than sex ... as there should be.

I don't agree with this at all. I think America has an incredibly unhealthy and enabling relationship with food and our rates of diabetes and heart disease are incredibly high. Why? Because we're a lazy, depressed people with a terrible diet that consists of processed sugar and red meat. Yet we make excuses for all of it--we believe that, no matter what terrible choices we make, those choices should be acceptable and celebrated! If you deal with every problem you have by eating, hey, it's not your fault! If you eat McDonalds every day and you have a heart attack at age 35, hey, it's not your fault! If someone suggests that you should lose weight to get to a healthy and normal size, they must be telling you to take on an eating disorder! If someone is turned off, very rightly, by the fact that you look like you might keel over and die and thus leave them alone to deal with your self-inflicted demise, they're just a shallow bastard.

If her boyfriend became less attracted to her because she LOST 40 pounds in a short period of time and weighed 86 pounds, we would all be singing a different tune. We would say, "of course! Get thee to a clinic!" But because she's on the opposite side of the eating disorder spectrum, all of the sudden her boyfriend is in the wrong.

That's crazy. Prudie's advice was completely spot-on and you should really change your enabling way of thinking. Obese is not okay just like anorexia is not okay. If she dies of a heart attack or has to have her feet amputated due to diabetes, I guess it's alright as long as her boyfriend never mentions that she might be morbidly obese.

Again, crazy.

Weight is just a bad measure of how good one's health is, I'm sorry. You can say fatties are more likely to have health issues than skinnies, but the truth of the matter is, if you wanna look at someone and make an uneducated guess about their health, weight would be a baaad indicator.

But fine. Maybe you still want to up your odds for optimal health and you don't smoke, rarely drink, don't use drugs, and keep a trim figure. That sounds like an awesome plan! (Even though genetics plays a much bigger role on how long you're likely to live.)

The LW's boyfriend didn't say he was concerned about her health. He said "I don't want to screw you because you're hard to look at."

I don't think it was unreasonable for Prudie to address the issue here- this woman has gained a lot of weight in a year. What is going on in her life? And size 16 IS already big, 20 is quite large, even if she avoids health issues (which she might) she's not gonna be happy if she continues gaining weight at this rate.

However, I completely disagree that her relationship problem is nonexistant. A man she's been seeing for not really THAT long, but long enough for it to be serious, has shut her out and in my opinion made the problem worse. If he had feelings for her, why wouldn't he address the issue sooner? I gotta say, franki, walking around thinking the love of your life is disgusting and allowing them to be oblivious to your own feelings seems VERY unfair. This woman (like your husband) deserves to be in a relationship with someone who finds her attractive, whether that means working on the weight issue or finding someone who likes a lot of meat on their bones.

She asked him why they didn't have sex as often as before and he answered honestly: you've gained a lot of weight dear and I no longer find you as attractive as I did when you were a size 16. He hasn't left her, he didn't dump her. He told her the truth. What should he have said when she asked him what the reason was? He said he still loved her as much for the person inside her as he ever has, but he's having a hard time wanting to sleep with her.

That is completely normal. And she is the one with the problem with food. She is the one who needs to change, for herself, not for him. If my boyfriend all of the sudden grew a moustache that I found to be physically unnattractive, should I say something? I started dating a man with no moustache, and I hate moustaches, and now the person I still love has one, but I find him less boinkable because of it. He asks me why my attraction has wained...what should I say? If I told him the truth, that, would I be in the wrong if I find him less attractive? Should I get used to making out with his facial hair, even though it sickens me, or should he just shave it?

No, I totally disagree. Sex is important, and how he feels about her is important. That's "cute" that this man thinks it's good enough he still loves her. It's not reality. He pushed her away and avoided sex without giving her a reason. And then when she asked about it, he could have come clean, but he really didn't. There's a difference between "I'm sorry, honey, I love you so much I didn't want to hurt you, but obviously we need to talk about it since it is affecting both of our feelings. I think you're gaining too much weight, and it's bothering me. Can we talk about it?" and saying "Look, I don't find you attractive anymore. You're too fat," and walking away. Now she's supposed to be left with this feeling he's doing her a favor by staying with her even though she's disgusting, instead of being able to either have a real conversation and take some real action about her weight problem, orrr... Sorry! I know you hate fat people and think they should be banned or something, but she also has the right to say "See ya! Gonna find a man who wants to screw me!"

He didn't do those things. Most people, men especially, are not just going to say, over dinner, "hey sweetheart, it looks like you're getting a bit chunky." That would hurt her feelings. So instead he sends out signals. She noticed them and asked about them and he said, "I still love you as much as I always did, but I'm having a hard time wanting to sleep with you as much as I did before."

He didn't say, "Hey oinker, I'm out of here!"

I don't hate fat people. Many family members of mine are fat--some are very fat. I love them but sometimes I DO worry about their health and their happiness. They tend not to be happy people and they rationalize their depression or boredom and make themselves feel better by eating *all the time.* And the foods they eat tend to be high in sugar and fats because those are the foods that release the most pleasure chemicals in your brain. Hence that are fat because they are sad. Instead of dealing with the sadness, they ruin their health.

If they dealt with their sadness by cutting themselves or drinking themselves to death and I suggested they get health, would you accuse me of discriminating against alcoholics or self-mutilators?

No.

Wow. You're just all over the place. I can't figure out what you're for and what you're against.

I don't hate fat people. My two favorite people in the whole world are overweight, and I feel that I have a right and responsibility to not hurt their feelings by saying "hubby and son, your weight issues are disgusting me, can you please not touch me when your man-boobs aren't covered by a shirt?" Yeah, that's real helpful in a family.

I'm supportive and try to show how I feel in other ways .... cooking healthy meals when I'm exhausted. Hiding the fatty foods I need to keep my weight on. Not buying junk food at all. Spending tons of money on fitness items and memberships. Doing sit-ups with son every morning to keep him motivated. Playing racquetball or riding my bike with hubby even though my doctor told me not to ... car accident injuries.

And, I show my love by spending time with them, listening to their joys and sorrows, trying to make them laugh when they are having a bad day, and so on.

Both my guys are beautiful people, inside and from the neck up. When I say that my hubby is disgusting to look at ... I only mean his belly. Not the whole package. If I ever told him that, though, I would destroy the self esteem he has built up after a childhood of growing up in a household of man-hating women.

So, for you, go ahead and insult everyone you know in the name of truth and honesty. Me? I'll continue with my "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything" approach.

Although I would hate to lose my husband early from obesity, his MENTAL health is more important to me than his physical health. And, since he isn't morbidly obese, maybe I'm just shallow.

A few years ago, The Boy was getting fairly heavy. This is a family thing with him, some of them tend to run to fat. His job is incredibly stressful and he flies at least twice a week, but sometimes as many as six. He ate when he could, but in a 70 to 80 hour work week, that isn't so easy.

I could tell it was bothering him. He's a bit of a clothes horse, so believe me, he noticed the weight gain. Now, we've been married for a long time, and I certainly didn't expect him to get down to the weight he was in in his 20s (God knows I'm not there), but this was getting to be too much.

One weekend, I sat him down and told him that he needed to lose the weight. He was feeling stressed all the time, he wasn't sleeping, he had apnea and he was miserable. I told him that I had no intention of losing him to a heart attack or stroke, and that meant working out.

He lost about 30 pounds. Probably more, we don't own a scale.

Even with his schedule, he works out at least three times a week. He uses an exercise bike for 45 minutes to an hour at least five times a week ON TOP of the workouts. He looks good, he feels great and I have my happy guy back.

Think about it.