Well gosh Prudence, so kind of you to point out that the writer needs to watch her weight--I'm sure she was too stupid to realize that! Duh! She knows!

As to 35yo boyfriend--he should count himself lucky that someone 23yo wants to be with him.

My advice--dump him! I'm willing to bet he's no Brad Pitt, and if he is turned off by your weight gain, he does not truly love you. Someone who truly loved you would be concerned about your weight gain as to how it affected your self-image and your health. A relationship goes both ways - it's not all about him!

I agree. Will he like her better when she's back to a size 16, or would he like her better if she were a size 4? What about her hair? Is that okay? How about the clothes she likes to wear? Would it be better for him if she opted for a different style? How many other things can she change to accommodate his preferences? She needs to dump this jerk before he pushes her self-esteem so far into the dirt she won't know what she likes about herself or anything else.

ahhhhh....but wait! perhaps she too is bothered by her weight...in that case...she needs to take the proper steps into healthier living!

Nothing wrong with improving her physique and dumping the guy!

I was shocked by Prudence's answer as well. What would she have responded if the LW had gone from a size 8 to a size 12? What size would have been an acceptable weight gain and what is too big? What if she had gone from a size 2 to a size 6 in one year? Would she be telling her to get a handle on her eating habits then? Or would she tell her to dump the guy who's only looking for someone perfect?

And Prusie advised her to separate the fact that her boyfriend doesn't find her attractive from her relationship. Er, hello! You can't separate those two things!

Bottom line - she didn;t write asking for weight-loss advice; she wrote asking for relationship advice. Epic fail here.

I think that the starting weight and ending weight *do* matter. There is reasonable weight gain, and weight gain that is a problem. For instance, I worked with a woman who got married weighing 120 lbs (maybe around 5'8"?) and after a little more than a year she was probably past 200 lbs. This is a serious issue! But had she gone from 120 to around 140, it wouldn't be.

As a plus size woman myself (in the 18/20 size range) who, when she married, was a 14/16 - I understand exactly how the LW feels: I'm sure the LW, as she was gaining weight, wondered if the weight would impact her boyfriend's desire for her, as a woman, I think knowing how important sex is to our men, makes sex very important in gauging our relationship. If there is less sex, it must be somehow our fault; I think the boyfriend here just confirmed LW's worst, and probably valid, fears. My husband (we've been married almost 3 years) has never had an issue with my weight; we both know we both need to lose some and are taking steps to remedy that - HOWEVER - our relationship doesn't revolve around this, nor does our sex life. If LW's does, that is a problem for her boyfriend - he needs to get a grip and help out, or he'll lose out on this young thing.

- By the way, we don't know how tall the LW is either, or her bone structure; some tall plus size women are very svelt and Hot - look at Queen Latifah. Alas, I'm short :( so not so svelt.

I usually don't bother with the videos, but as someone who's recently experienced a weight loss of 30 lbs, I was curious to see what Heavier & Hard Up had to say (she went up 2 sizes, whereas I went down 3, so I assume she may have gained about 20 lbs, not a horrendous amount & less than 2 lbs/mo; the video made it seem as if she went from svelte & shapely to a tub of lard!).

I was appalled at the flip insoucience of the reply. This person did not ask for a weight loss cheerleader; she asked how to deal with her BFs arrogance, & was told to pretty much to "ignore" it & stop eating. What?

1st of all, she's 23 & he's 35, & they've been together for a year already. What's a man that age doing chasing young girls? I'll tell you what he's doing... he's looking for someone inexperienced & malleable that he's better able to control than a woman of his own age bracket who's old enough to be wise to this sort of head game. Even the video poked subtle fun at the age difference by picturing him as balding & tubby himself.

2nd, he also zeroed in on a girl who was a couple sizes larger than average (the average American woman is supposedly a size 12) because he thought a heavier girl would be grateful for the attention, even if it came from a man who'd graduated high school by the time she skipped off to kindergarten. When looked at from that perspective, the age difference borders on perversion IMHO.

3rd, she was already overweight when he displayed his interest in her. Obviously this is a man who either thinks he has a better chance of success in scoring with a heavier woman or just is more naturally attracted to a big girl, & a 20 lb gain (or loss) isn't that noticeable to people who see one on a daily basis.

Therefore, this guy is feeding her a load of crap that Prudence stepped over in her haste to advise this girl to change her lifestyle to accommodate his bad attitude.

One of two things is happening here. Either this man is cheating on her, or more likely, succeeding in controlling her, if he's using sex (or the lack thereof) to manipulate her.

Prudence should've alerted this girl to the signs of both infidelity & an abusive relationship, instead of lecturing her to join Weight Watchers, & suggested she consider them carefully before deciding to even continue this relationship. (I mean, if this girl dropped that extra 20 lbs, what would be his sorry excuse for withholding sex then, a crooked tooth?)

I found it even more ironic considering that on the same page, Prudence was all over the abuse angle in addressing the guy with the slap-happy GF. Some abusers are a little more subtle than that at first.

An overweight cousin, at age 22, became involved with a 39-year-old man who constantly belitted her in private about her size, slowly isolated her from friends/family & had her quit her job so he could "take care of her" (so that she was totally dependent upon him for everything), & eventually began shoving her around; 5 years later he was chasing her down the street with a butcher knife in a drunken rage that he came home from the corner bar & found her on the phone with a cousin he didn't like (who called 911 after this psycho ripped the phone out of the wall; the look on his face when he was suddenly illuminated by flashing lights with weapon in hand must've been priceless).

Also, the reasons behind this sudden weight gain might be "comfort eating" from being embroiled in an unhappy relationship with a control freak. She might lose the weight without half trying if she lost the jerk who may have triggered it in the 1st place.

I think it also would've behooved Prudence to have suggested this girl examine her poor self-esteem (who stays with a man who refuses to have sex with you because he thinks you're too fat?) & figure out why she thinks she is worth so little as to settle for this sort of a relationship. Instead, Prudence only succeeded in making this poor girl feel even worse about herself. Very bad answer anyway you look at it.

No offense, Prudie, and all of you skinny girls out there, but as a person who has struggled with her weight pretty much her entire life (and at 23 being a size 16/18 is not because you were a twig at 15), early 20's is a typical time for weight gain, and it's even more difficult to deal with the last 20 pounds she's put on (I'm sure Weight Watchers has been attempted in her past). I guarantee you she's fought it off for YEARS. If you've always been small and you suddenly gain 20 pounds, yeah, then work on your "food issues". However, if you've fought your entire life to try and be thin and realize it's a continual uphill battle, it's not going to "fall off" by just watching what she eats. She does need someone who loves her for who she is. He's a complete jerk for even telling her that. If he wants someone supermodel thin, Prudie, he can date you.

GOOD GODESS! Let me make sure I have this straight: a guy does not find his girlfriend sexually attractive bcs she has gained weight means he is arrogant, doesn’t love her, purposely went out to find someone who he can control and (presumably) hard up for attention/affection, unfaithful, abusive, manipulative, will withhold sex even if she does drop the gained weight and a control freak. I know we have to fill in some blanks since these are shortened letters but…WOW. I would also disagree that a 20 lb weight gain isn’t noticeable whether you see the person every day or not unless they are very tall.

One thing we don’t know is the circumstances under which she was told and what else he said. Did he lash out at her to be mean? Then he’s a jerk. I have sneaking suspicion that he didn’t want to tell her bcs he thought it would hurt her feelings (correct) but she kept asking him why he was not interested in sex (repeat 100+ times). Perhaps he should have lied or maybe, since this is something that is potentially changeable, he thought that the truth would be helpful/useful so they could work on it. I’m not saying that’s the brightest way to communicate the information but not completely illogical. He has to do his part by exercising with her, eating healthy meals, being supportive, etc. Also, to be fair, if he’s put on weight he needs to lose it too.

You all must be kidding. Everyone has the right to be attracted to whatever physical characteristics they like and it's not shallow to include physical attractiveness as one of the factors you consider when you decide whether to have sex or not. You pick your partner based partially on looks. If this guy thinks his gal has gained more weight than he'd like, he's entitled. She has three choices: deal with things as they are (less sex), lose weight, or leave and find someone who likes her as she is. Relationships aren't charity. The guy deserves to have what he wants most just as much as the girl deserves to be loved for who she is.

If you disagree with me, think back on all the times you rejected a perfectly nice guy or girl based on something about them you found physically repulsive.

The gratuitous immediate defense of being fat is simply stupid. If you shop at Lane Bryant, you're obese and need to lose weight.. not for your date, for yourself. Even if you think you don't want to - guess what, you still need to.

Obesity causes health problems that are irreversible and unchangeable. Instead of pointing fingers at the guy for not being attracted to her, point fingers at YOURSELF for defending gluttony.

Every fat person has fat friends who sit there and say "Men still find you sexy!" or "Girls don't reject you for being fat!" -- and they're all wrong. Knowing stupid people is not a justification for doing harm to your body.. the only one you'll ever get.

You gained 30 pounds? Darn right you'll get dumped. And you should - your lack of care about yourself is gratuitously ignorant. This goes both ways, because it only happens to a person whose self-control is simply lacking.

Get off the couch, get on the treadmill, lose weight - and live a healthy lifestyle. It's not today that you're living for - it's your own future.

Um no, I LOST 30 lbs....READ don't skim before blasting opinions & presuming to lecture. The LW gained 20 lbs.

(You're also hardly (over)using "gratuitous" in the correct context FYI.)

"Obese" is defined as 20% more than the highest number in the weight range for one's height. For example, if one is 5'5", the "acceptable" weight range is 125-165 lbs. That's normal, though I'm sure all the holier-than-thou size 0s living on green tea & celery to hoard calories for alcohol consumption at Ladies' Night would shriek in horror at the numbers.

Therefore, a 5'5" woman is not overweight until she blows past 165, & is not considered "obese" until 33 lbs later, at 198; weigh in at 195 & you're merely "overweight", by medical standards.

Someone could fall within that acceptable, healthy range at 160 & *gasp* still wear a "plus size" (depending on boob or booty curve). There was no such thing as a "size 0" years ago; you were embarrassed by shopping in the kids' department if you were a Nicole Richie clone because "grownup" sizes started at 5. Y'all have been brainwashed by Hollywood ideology into thinking anyone more than 120 lbs is *gasp* fat.

Yes, I sure did read between the lines with this question. There's unsavory reasons older men like to date much younger women, & this girl obviously wasn't a "hot trophy babe" at size 16, so I saw "immature control freak" as I did in real life with the scenario I illustrated.

In another thread on this subject, a woman mentioned she has the same issue with her husband's weight gain (finding it a turn-off), but would never say so because it would hurt a person she loves.

Do you all regularly rip into your loved ones with hurtful "truths", like you're ripping into this topic?

How would you respond to someone you thought cared about you who would have the gall to make such a hurtful statement? How would you respond to such thoughtful "advice" as "get your fat ass on a treadmill honey?" I'd hazard, not in a positive fashion, especially having such "perfect" bodies as you smug dissenters seem to think you have.

As was said, we don't have the entire background here....so how can an automatic knee-jerk reflex of "gluttony" be thrown out?

This girl could be 6 ft tall for all we know & simply look curvaceous (like Liv Tyler, for example). My 30 lb-loss was "baby weight" that was truculent for a long time (JLo's personal trainer was overbooked, alas, & my couch was rather comfy). Plenty of people are "fat" due to lousy genes, or the aforementioned "health issues"; my own SO is stressing over having put on 20 lbs due to a medication side effect.

But that doesn't mean I'm going to clamp my legs shut & say "you gained 20 lbs & I don't find you as attractive as I did when we met, get that gut to a gym if you wanna get laid ever again". I'm just glad this med keeps a bigger health problem in check & that his "numbers" (cholesteral etc) come back OK despite his weight gain. We may initially be attracted to a body, but the greatest sex organ is your brain, the part that fell in love with your SO in the first place & wouldn't be as deliberately cruel & heartless over a lousy 20 lbs as some of you are being over this subject.

It seems, judging by the snarky comments on here, that "fat" is still hanging in there something people think they have a right to be rude & nasty about to the "offender's" face, under the arrogant guise of "I know what's best for you & you apparently don't because you're a tubby glutton, & therefore I'm justified to lecture you all about what you need to do to shrink that fat ass of yours, you lazy cow, so get it off the couch, stop shoveling in the bon-bons, & mind me".

The BF did so to the LW, & so did Prudence in her response. Nicest manners, people. Prudence also did not address LWs question at all, which was not "O Prudie, would you please lecture me on how to stay out of Lane Bryant for the rest of my life?".

This BF chose to date a fat girl....& then he turns around & torments her about it? He uses sex as a weapon against her? She'd be better off to lose him, not try to please him.

And my, I do hope none of you perfect girls develops a nasty disease like, say, lupus, where you have to take steroids to survive & they make you gain 100 lbs & then smug, skinny bitches come up to you & tell you to get your fat ass off the couch & on a treadmill & stop being such a lazy, ignorant glutton & get healthy!

You prove your own ignorance with such remarks.

You can try to justify it any way you like. It's fat. You don't have to like it, that's the way it is.

Sorry, sucks to be you.