I dated a girl in college that would let out some physicality once in a while when upset. Whether a kick to the side from on the couch to a roundhouse to the jaw once (I did taunt her into that one though). They weren't frequent at first, and like the letter writer, there was a size discrepancy (her=gymnast, me=offensive lineman) so I didn't say too much. But as they got to the point of 3-4 a month for whatever reason, I started thinking about "battered male syndrom" or whatever you want to call it. I mentioned that I thought she hit out of anger and it was pretty hard. That didn't get much response. So, the next time she slapped me, I slapped her back. WOW! Yeah, lady, it hurts, eh! She stopped after that.

My advice... give a good crack back once. Maybe the little princess has never really been hit in her life. Maybe she doesn't know that it actually hurts. If it continues after that or escalates... bail out.

I'd argue that if you have to retaliate to get that point across, then it's already escalated, and you need to get out and find a relationship with someone who actually learned that lesson as a kid.

Watch out. She might be in to that kind of thing. :)

She never hit me again (with her for another 10 months after that) and we are still somewhat in contact, which means I've never seen a bruise on her husband. So even though she didn't "learn that as a kid", I guess it just means she did need the "crash" course to learn the lesson.

Slap her back and you've given someone with very poor judgement all the ammunition they need to screw up your life for a very long time. One call to the police and even she may not be able to stop what she's started, even if she wants to.

Slapping her back is a good way for him to end up in jail. If talking to her won't help, he's better off moving on.

PhysicsGirl is right, DO NOT slap her back. If he does, and the cops show up, BOTH may end up in jail. Even if neither of them calls 911, a neighbor may get sick of it and take care of it for them. And the logic of striking back escapes me: if he dislikes being hit, why would he do to another something he himself does not like experiencing? How can he ask her not to do something that he himself has now started doing?

What the LW describes is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, pure and simple. Reverse the pronouns, and it is easier to see. Myself, I'm writing a damn solid report in my head right now. She's going to jail, and he's getting a referral to the Y for victim services. The fact that she has done this in public (subway) is worrisome to me; most abusers will not act badly in public so that their victim's statements are less believable. My guess is that the incidents in the home are more frequent than the LW is reporting, perhaps even admitting to himself. It was just a little shove, I'm sure she didn't mean it; she's just having a bad day. I know she loves me, but she's under so much stress at work. She's only like that when she's drinking.....

POAndrea:

And the logic of striking back escapes me:

She stopped hitting him, didn't she. Problem solved.

Her hitting him on the subway, may be thought of as brazen, but most New Yorkers (and other big city folk) see this sort of thing and don't ever want to get involved. If people ignore a woman getting hit, they sure as hell aren't going to lift a finger if a man's getting hit. I'm from NY, so I know about this.

This cycleboy is a moron and an idiot. They are somewhat synonymous, but not the same. I invite his lineman self to come see me. Any man that would hit a woman outside of strict self-defense is not a man at all, but a worm with a social security number.

Suggesting hitting a woman makes him a moron, not realizing that sometimes people need patience, love and guidance to get them beyond some of the bad things in their life makes him an idiot. If you have an S.O., that implies that they have some value to you and are as such worthy of investment of time, effort and attention.

Thank god for her that pinhead is part of her past, it sounds like the guy she is with now is less of a scumbag.

Have a great day!

ElleBlue:

POAndrea:

And the logic of striking back escapes me:

She stopped hitting him, didn't she. Problem solved.

Her hitting him on the subway, may be thought of as brazen, but most New Yorkers (and other big city folk) see this sort of thing and don't ever want to get involved. If people ignore a woman getting hit, they sure as hell aren't going to lift a finger if a man's getting hit. I'm from NY, so I know about this.

Run LW Run. It's escalating already. And do not slap back...men get dealt with more harshly. Women hit for the same reasons as men,a nd the same controlling behaviors bubble up. So LW needs to take several someone's with him (preferably a similiar sized female with some fighting skills) so that if girlfriend goes after him, the woman (or women) can pull her off, and restrain her while he calls the police. THAT will have credibility. Can you tell I've had to do this for a friend?

He should not touch her at all. Let his sister slap the daylights out of her if he wants to teach her a lesson and it has not escalated. But this LW is past that point. He needs to get out.

I agree with you, ElleBlue. If they aren't living together, he should never go anywhere near her again.

He should break up with her over the phone by telling her that he doesn't tolerate physical abuse and no, they can't still be friends, either. In other words, the LW should run, not walk, away from her. NOW.

Domini:

ElleBlue:

POAndrea:

And the logic of striking back escapes me:

She stopped hitting him, didn't she. Problem solved.

Her hitting him on the subway, may be thought of as brazen, but most New Yorkers (and other big city folk) see this sort of thing and don't ever want to get involved. If people ignore a woman getting hit, they sure as hell aren't going to lift a finger if a man's getting hit. I'm from NY, so I know about this.

Run LW Run. It's escalating already. And do not slap back...men get dealt with more harshly. Women hit for the same reasons as men,a nd the same controlling behaviors bubble up. So LW needs to take several someone's with him (preferably a similiar sized female with some fighting skills) so that if girlfriend goes after him, the woman (or women) can pull her off, and restrain her while he calls the police. THAT will have credibility. Can you tell I've had to do this for a friend?

He should not touch her at all. Let his sister slap the daylights out of her if he wants to teach her a lesson and it has not escalated. But this LW is past that point. He needs to get out.

...then his sister or his girl friends will end up in jail. I actually think it's a pretty good idea to have a few women present, but if she's smart, she won't touch him in the presence of friends or family. It is true that men are dealt with more harshy and it's a shame. I actually heard stories about the guy hauling his wife or girlfriend's ars down to the police station and the police say, "what's the matter? You can't handle the little lady at home?" And the man said something like, "sure! If I handle her at home, I'll end up in jail!" The police never had any witty responses for that one.

catseye:

I agree with you, ElleBlue. If they aren't living together, he should never go anywhere near her again.

He should break up with her over the phone by telling her that he doesn't tolerate physical abuse and no, they can't still be friends, either. In other words, the LW should run, not walk, away from her. NOW.

Yes, she will learn her lesson, when she loses a perfectly good guy. Most guys won't even put up with a girl throwing a verbal tantrum, let alone being hit!

Elle,

I dont think she will learn her lesson, I dont think this is the first time it has happened. If she is great enough to htink about taking it 'to the next level', then a (minor) flaw like this one is just a detail to be dealt with. Maybe if she was twce his size, or some kind of bad-ass, it might be a problem, but he is twice her size, so it is merely an inconvenience.

Do you really expect every persn you date or love to be perfect? Are you really so unwilling to invest time and effort to help someone you love to overcome something difficult and distasteful? If she responds in this fashion, what do you want to bet she was abused (physically if not sexually) during her youth?

I say suck it up and take the hit until you come to a clear conclusion that you cant help her. If she is someone you want to be with, sometimes there is some assembly required....

He should just kick her to the curb.